My Sob Story 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear ImL and Mark,

First, IML, see my thread under "piecing" and "God's will" etc, if you want some thoughts about being the LBSer and all the mixed emotions WE have when the WAS wanders back into our lives. I think one person posted that it is OUR form of MLC when the WAS returns. We've spent so much time wanting our R's with the WAS to work, that we forget some of the pain we felt for so long, and now when "the good times should be rolling", instead we find ourselves unexpectedly mad about something that pops up, or uncomfortable that the "routine" of our LBS lives, which we were Forced to create when the WAS left, is now being uprooted b/c they have returned. Also times where I find myself needing yet more reassurances from H that he doesn't totally get. Weirdly, I needed LESS in the past when he was gone in my mind and heart. I became more self reliant and I don't want to go backwards totally. Also, To my H, only some of what happened was "bad" and he seems to just want to move forward without addressing much of what happened. I'll try to catch up on your sitch later and post there if you can point me to your thread.

MARK, ouch for you. How is your son reacting to all this? Am I correct in assuming you only have one child? I am struck by your FIL's support for you getting custody. Wow, that is huge. If you can schedule a session or two with a DB coach, it'd be worth it. Where I live, (near Los Angeles) it actually costs more to talk to a therapist three times, than 3 sessions with a DB coach. I do both off and on and find both helpful, but my therapist is pro-M and that isn't so easy to find. ALSO, the DB coaches are specific with advice and that helps me a lot. Not just searching the past for clues, etc, but what to do NOW.... so even though money is an issue, it would be worth at least one time with a DB coach.

Is your wife in a 12 step program? In this state, a DUI is a BIG deal (no matter what Paris Hilton gets....) and I THINK some meetings are required for the charges to be reduced. Interesting that she didn't tell you.

What are your wife's complaints about YOU and your behavior? I know, I know this does not make them accurate or valid. But just so we all can assess what it is SHE SAYS is the problem. Because then you can actually do something about it. With the son, the great news is you have to have some contact with W, and yet if you are physically separated too, you have some space. See, I think if you lived together thru this whole thing, it's harder for her to notice changes you make, whereas if she sees you intermittently, it could be easier for her to note. I know this sucks big time. And as for her living with her mother, (knowing that she was reluctant to move there in light of the sexual advances from her stepdad, almost made me glad to hear of sex abuse, so how sad is THAT?) that cannot last. I mean, IF what she said really did happen, it'll happen again. And if your W is as unstable as she sounds, that could spell disaster...
SO what do you do? Read the books, and take whatever DB advice that helps you, which I got from my coach. Here is what she advised me to do, and nearly all of it helped.
1) Listen like a lover. Meaning, when your w calls, be her friend about every topic EXCEPT the M. If she complains about finding a job, or gardening difficulties or your son's homework, whatever, just be there for her.

2) Re: R talk--Never be the one to bring it up. And do not challenge her views or perspective AT ALL. Do not argue about the M. If she starts revising the M again, which she already has done and seems like ALL the WASs do that, you still don't argue, per se. You can say you "recall things very differently", and or you are sorry if something that happened hurt her, you understand that she feels "that" way, etc. without agreeing with her. You can be her friend in this, without challenging it all. By challenging the choices she is making,you force her to defend them more. Let her have enough space and time to really dig deep and see what choices she should be making, and the damage she is causing. Obviously if she brings up an issue or view point that IS valid, then validate it to her. Like if you forgot her birthday one year and she says that's an example of how you don't care, blah blah blah, you can say how much you regret that mistake and that you hurt her. Assure her that in no way did that reflect your real feelings b/c you have always loved her, etc. You can also say, "If I could go back in time, I would do things differently" and that you are changing. Better yet, tell her you WILL do things differently in the future.

3) Lose the Anger in front of her. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS TO DO when you are being so deeply hurt. Believe us, we all know it's damn hard. Like Mother Teresa stuff. But anger at this point simply fuels her fire and validates her "need to leave" the M. So you have to counter her negative justifications with positive images of what could be, in your future, together as a family.

4) Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. Don't make it harder for her to change her mind and want to reconcile. How to do this? Well, how NOT to do it is by involving as many people as you are telling. Not all these people need to know and the more of them that do know, the more defensive your wife will be. And that does not help you. Plus, she has to know that on one hand, you are a great catch and only a fool would leave a man like you, but on the other hand, you have to show enough commitment that she is sure of your love. It's a tough balancing act, especially when it comes to detachment.

Hope some of this helps. Your wife has several issues but perhaps you have some too. If so, that is actually good news. You only have control over your behavior, so the more you can change it, the better your chances of her coming around.

Last but not least, why are you helping her move things? Maybe I'm confusing that part with someone else's, but I thought in some way you were helping the sep/Div move forward physically speaking. I would not do that. A D is Not what you want. Have you seen a L, just to know your rights? If you do that, I would keep it to myself. But you do have to protect yourself AND your son if she totally loses it and starts spending like a maniac. BTW, my H went thru six figures of our savings (what savings?) in the past 2 years and now we face some financial issues we should not be facing at this point in our lives. Yesterday he said something about him "F------ things up" and I didn't respond either way. Because although he DID do that, it does not help me or move me towards my ultimate goal, which is a GOOD M with H....but don't think I didn't want to chime in and say "You're damn right you F- things up...." I am a better woman for all of this, b/c just one year ago I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut at that moment. See?? (Nope, that doesn't make this all worth it....by a long shot).

So keep your eye on the ultimate goal and let THAT guide you when you are deciding things. Lashing out will not help you get there. And maybe involving others past a certain point won't either. Is she seeing a T? Hope she is. How about your son?

keep posting and sending good thoughts/hopes to you.
j-