Journey of a Happy Heart 2

[princess_nic]

My dear friends, thank you for your continued support.

RCR, my goodness! You went to a lot of trouble over this! Thank you.

Yes, it is interesting, isn't it, that in this time of terrible crisis, I turned to you, knowing that you would likely encourage me to Stand. I guess that shows more of what I feel than anything else. Also, you are the one who, I think, knows most about MLC, and I've had such doubts that it is, indeed, MLC.

But I want to point out that if he is refusing to give it a try the flip is that you have either asked him to give it a try or are wishing he would without asking/letting him know. Of course he refuses...THIS IS MLC. Please stop doubting yourself in that...and all other respects.

Yes, I did ask him. Yesterday, I truly felt that all was lost. I am still feeling that today. I am really, finally grieving my M. That is why I did the big NO-NO of initiating R-talk. I figured I had nothing to lose. Whenever I say I don't understand, he just says, "I know you don't."

He has changed...right now it hasn't got to the better...it will. BUT you admit he has changed and then use that to feel the problem is you. If he can be nice to anyone but you, you must be the problem. A decent person is nice to everyone. You are twisting everything to fit your personal feelings of low worth.

But isn't a decent person nice to everyone? Actually, he IS nice to me. He just doesn't want to be with me. He has noticed my changes, and he says it's "phenomenal" that I've been able to do that, but...it's over for us.

Quote:
I still think we have the potential to be happy and healthy together.
Quote:
He may indeed have found someone with whom he can be happy... I only wish it could be us.

You quoted this but didn't comment!

And your response to that comment was to wonder if it is MLC. To me that comment is additional evidence of MLC. He is directly telling you that he has to make an effort . If there is a deliberate effort toward such a thing...in these instances it is a clue that he is doing something against his feelings. He doesn't want to be mean. He's more likely martyring himself...she will be better off without me because I'm no good.

That is a good point. I wonder b/c he is actually, in a strange way, trying to be nice to me, unlike so many of the MLCers here who just spew horribly. Maybe he is just a WAH, who doesn't want to hurt me, but just doesn't love me anymore. Is that not a possibility?

But right now your self-esteem is suffering more than it had been. Have you talked to your Dcotor to check on your anti-depressants? Have you changed or gone off of them? Your clinical depression is not helping the situation right now, and it could be what is talking.

Nothing has changed. I was actually doing very well emotionally before this. I've just dropped like a stone.

Sometime early last year I warned you about not having high expectaions that this was at the tail end. You reassured me that it was merely the tail end of one stage --Repaly I believe--that you were talking about. But as a skimmed your posts you said he'd been in Replay a a year, and a later post--but later may have been minutes or months...but the next one I skimmed, you said he'd been in Replay for 3-4 years.

I'm really not sure. It's so hard to remember. He was in a depression, I think, for a couple of years before replay started. Replay started in Aug 04 or earlier, I'm really not sure.

Okay... the point I wanted to show was that you actually had higher hopes than were called for that this would be resolved in a certain time frame...I hadn't even noticed that final clause about half a year, and that half a year comment is evidence that you are still putting timeline of expectations on this crisis.

Yes, that's true. You also comment that it is often slow, but this really seems slower than most. I mean, if it started a minimum of three years ago, shouldn't it be nearing the end???

You need to come to place where you Accept this process. You are cycling yourself by instead, trying to accept that it is you that are the problem, and/or that this is not really MLC.

This crisis is not your fault
It is not about you. You just happen to be the main target in the cross fire.
You could not prevent this and you cannot fix him. He is not broken, he is going through midlife at CRISIS levels. He had issues when your daughter was born also...what this shows is that he has problems with life transitions. There are many oportunities in life to resolve these issues and reintegrate oneself. MLCers have probably had issues at other crucial transitions. They may have been able to sweep them away and go on withut resolving the problems. But each tranasition will then become more of a crisis. His problems earlier in your marriage are not evidence that he is just this way.

Thank you, yes, this is right. I never thought of it that way, with the birth being a transition.

Could it be that you have seemed so expectant to your MLCer...as Finally_Free's wife seemed happy to speak to him...that he retreated due to his own fear.

Could be. I haven't said anything (till yesterday), but it's possible he could tell.

Be cordial, be happy in yourself...almost so that he can see he is outside of it...because he will want to be inside of it. You can casually invite him to join, but when you show him that you have expectations, he feels pressured. This doesn't mean you are pressuring...he is feeling it. He can sense that you are happy because of what he is showing. He is still to fragile to withstand that burden...clearly since he retreats again. And this sends you...or any LBS...into a crash.

I have been happy. RCR, I have genuinely been happy and friendly and warm w/o being overwhelming. Truly. He likes being around me. He likes talking to me. He says he still thinks I'm beautiful. I was really getting the sense that he wanted to be in my life again. He comments on how the house looks when I change things, as if he still lived here.

Sweetie, you of all people should recognize that last statement as the Hopeless stage of Depression...the lowest of the low. "I'm bad, so I might as well live with it because there is nothing I can do to change it." He sees no end in sight, no way out and this is his lot in life.

RCR, that's what I thought. I thought good, he's finally opening up to me, maybe there's a chance now that he'll really work on things. But then, w/in weeks of that, he began casually dating ow2, and now, since VD, they have been serious. What happened???? Was it b/c I said then that I was ready to start LS if that's really how he feels? Damn, I am just kicking myself now.

There are different answers to your question. For YOU, I feel you need to drop the rope that is your relationship...hey, that old relationship is dead anyway. Focus on yourself and being happy within yourself and ANY life you have.

MNake your motivations selfmotivations rather than relationship- motivations. That is, be happy within yourself for its own purpose rather than as a manipulative means to get your MLCers to progress or become curious about you. Trust that those things will ALSO happen...but they are secondary.

Thank you for this advice. I am mostly doing that, but if I am honest, part of me is still wanting H to sit up and take notice.

You are tired. You have had a rocky marriage with separate periods of crisis. You stated bomb drop was August 2005...but there was also divorce talk in 2004. I personally believe those images are your true desire...and thus they may be a KNOWING. But as you pointed out...I cannot know.

You are talking legal separation and divorce...sounds like you are choosing the fomrer. Do that if you must...especially if you must do it for finances and such.

But you are not ready to say this is over. Yes, you've been doing this for a long time...and yet it seems clear to me you are not ready. Patti/MTN and MEA were ready when they made their choices. They DB'd there butts off, and came out strong in their decisions..and thus even as a Stander I tried to stop encouraging they Stand. I do not feel that with you.

You feel defeated, frustrated and just plain tired. But deep down you still want your marriage...as a good marriage.

You are right.

I feel that I must do the LS for my own sanity. I am very worried about money, and I feel like that is part of the reason I am still attached to my M. I want to feel like I can really do it on my own, feel independent and strong. At that point, I will really be coming from a place of strength, not weakness.

His answers also exhibit more of the Depressive Hopelessness I talked about earlier. This is his lot in life, so he might as well deal with it...since he is powerless to change it.

You are reading too much into his answers. He gave you answers that he knew you would not like. He gave answers that exhibit how dead he feels inside. He gave answers that show he is lost and not yet capable of handling the burden of his guilt.

And yet he complimented you on how you have handled the last few years. Good...it means he is seeing you as strong. Strength is an attractive force. But don't get all wound up in that...be strong for yourself.

But if he is in a depressive/hopeless stage, why is he even in a position to be dating? Why isn't he at home crying?

Yes, he does see me as strong, and I'm happy for that, for myself also.

Sweetie, you need a break. You are spinning right now and you need to get your SELF back...however you feel you must. SO if that means Standing Down...then do it.
But from your posts, I do not feel that you should because it is not what you want. But to continue perhaps not Standing...but keeping yourself open to the possibility of reconciliation in the future...you need to take a break and determine what is important in your life. Right now you ar enot in condition to make life-changing decisions. Recharge and focus on yourself.

Move on. That is when the MLCer turns back. Move on for yourself and just expect him to check you out.

In all honesty, I don't really expect him to look back, but of course, it is always a possibility. He keeps telling me to date, which just ticks me off! Yesterday, he told me that the way I'm feeling is normal, of course it hurts. I said I thought he'd be jumping for joy when I get serious about somone else. He said, no, he won't, in a sad voice.

RCR, really the tipping point for me is this ow. I just don't get it. I mean, those great feelings of being w/ someone new can go on for years. What am I supposed to do? Sweetheart is now back with you, and he really wasn't gone that long, from what I know. I am so afraid of giving up my chances of marrying again by holding on for this guy. I don't know how to just leave the door open a crack.

Again, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it very much.