Cinders, Sndderly and PWS,
Thank you so much for your comments. I know that is probably what he needs. I need to give him the chance to live that life of the single man. I can't jump when he needs me (when he has gotten sick I have gone over to care for him). That is the hardest part of all of this... to leave him alone and not be concerned for him and to not check in with him is NOT my personality. So it is hard to do what is needed or to deny my personality and who I am at my core, a caring person.

I guess it would all be so much easier (or in my mind) if we weren't already divorced. If we were just seperated there would be stings that were still keeping us attached. In my case there is nothing, so PWS he is free to go and be with other women. I won't be an affair, as we are not married. Sadly I would almost prefer that there was another woman he left me for, or who he is persuiing. But there isn't. It is just him, pushing me away.

And I of course in my overly reactive mind assume it is b/c he is having a hard time dealing with the choice that he made. That maybe leaving me was not the right choice. He says everyone he has ever cared about has left him and I think in his heart he knows I didn't/haven't and wouldn't. And I think given his history that is hard for him to deal with. that he walked away from the one person who truly loved him for being him.

It is just so hard knowing that all these other people who don't really care about him are able to see him, talk to him and e-mail him, and I can't. He might say that they are his friends, but they aren't. They have an agenda. His 57 year old friend her agenda is that her husband died 4 years ago and she is lonely and doesn't want to be alone, so my XH fills that for her. If she really truly cared for him she would know that it isn't healthy for him to spend every day and weekend with her. He needs to live his own life. But she won't ever see it that way b/c she needs him.

Also is she cared about him should would not encourage/promote his use of pot. All that is doing is depressing him even more. It is a cycle that isn't good for him and that is not doing anything to help him lead and good and healthy life. That is what makes me so sad that I see him spiraling down and there is nothing I can do to stop it. THere is no one I can call to help him there is nothing I can do. It is so hard to sit by and watch someone you love crashing. And maybe it isn't as bad as I think, maybe everyone is right that he is just doing this to hurt me. That everything he does it to hurt me, but I like to believe/I know that he loves me, he has told me and I just think that he doesn't know how to deal with unconditional love. He has never had it and therefore it scares him and he runs from it...I don't know.

PWS- I do hoe that you are wrong though. I hope I am MOSTLY through this ride. This started two years ago. And while I can sit on this ride for a while longer, I am not sure if I can do this much past a couple of more years. I want children and at 30 I don't have the luxury of waiting him out. I can only HOPE that by the time he turns 30 he will have figured this out.

I just want to see him happy again. I know I didn't cause his unhappiness, that started long ago, but I feel bad that I didn't know a better way to deal with the things that went wrong in our marriage.

I don't like this kind of game. I prefer games like "Truth and more Truth and honesty!" \:\) I have played this distancer/pursuit game with him too long, I just hope we can find a new game to play together soon!

Okay I will stop babbling!
Thanks for listening!