Okay so here is the "drama"... Since my post in mid Feb. Everything has been normal. Talking to him on a regular basis seeing him once a week etc. Then things started getting "rocky" at work the week after valentines day. THen he had his birthday on the 26th. It was snowy and icky out but I talked to him to see if I could bring over his presents. He called after work and said to come over. He was kind of down. He had spent all day (Even though he had taken the day off) fielding calls from his crazy boss. I gave him the presents and he was thankful. No one called him, except his brother, while I was there. His mom didn't call his friends didn't call, and I felt bad for him, but I felt good that at least I was there for him.
I went over there two days later and spent sometime. And found out apprently his whole office knows we are still having a physcial relationship. That apprently his office manager had noticed he had been "happier" and asked if he had been sleeping with me and he said yes. I was irritated that he was sharing that with people, but then on the other hand it didn't surprise me.
Then we had LOTS Of snow that Thursday and Friday. He called me Friday morning b/c he was short with me in an e-mail on thursday. We talked for two mins and he said he would call later (i think this is his bye, b/c he really never calls later).
I e-mail him a few times over the weekend. He doesn't respond. I e-mail him once during the week... no response. I IM him the beginning of this week. I get that he is tired and work is still being rough etc. He says he will call me later.
Then Thursday during the day I send him the following e-mail... and I get the following responses. Me to H: "Be interested in exchanging a back rub tonight for a back setting? My back has been killing me and I can't seem to get it to pop.
If you are interested just e-mail me at school. It would not be until 8:30ish, (so if you had dinner plans it would not interfere) I have conferences tonight. And if you want quiet I promise not to babble on. ;-)
I hope today is going well for you!
Take care, R2"
H to Me: "I do appreciate the offer, but I'll pass. I'm trying to take a new direction in life, and, that means stopping some things that may physically feel good...but that mentally/emotionally don't as much. Before you ask me the 20 questions...the answer to all of them is no. What I said above is the extent of why I'm declining your offer...no matter how tempted I am. ;-)
Take care and I hope you're doing well too!
-H"
Me to H:"Does this mean we are no longer friends? That we can no longer see each other or talk to each other? Did I do something to upset you? Sorry that is three questions. And yes I have 20, but I guess I will leave it at three for now.
Last time we talked everything seemed fine. I knew something was up…. Just didn't know what.
(and as usual I feel that I need to say I am sorry if I have done anything to make you feel uncomfortable, or have hurt you emotionally or mentally.)
Take care, R2"
H to me: "I said that the answer to all of those questions was no. No means no, remember?
I just think it's best that I abstain from things that cause me emotional angst. Whether I admit it 100% of the time or not, being around you has an emotional cost to me. I'm sure it always will. For now, I've decided that keeping to myself is what I need to do.
I won't accept an apology that isn't necessary. You didn't do anything...you have known me long enough to know that if you did something I wasn't happy about...I would tell you.
Please leave out the additional questions...the answer has already been given.
Take care, H"
So there is the drama. I just feel like crap. I never wanted a divorce, EVER!! And if I had to have one I wanted one where I could remain friendly with my ex. I still love him very much and would do almost anything to work through our problems and create a better and new realtionship. I still feel very much responsible for him (I know I shouldn't but I do.) I promised to never leave him. I promise that while he will push me away at times I would always be there just out of the way to not be a problem but close enough to be there if he needed me.
I don't want to go through life not talking to him. And the thought of having to do that breaks my heart all over again. I don't want much. I just want to be able to e-mail him and say "Hi what is going on? Things going well?" I am okay with not seeing him, but no contact at all, is not something I have ever been able to do. I can go a month or so, but then I just need to know that he is okay. I just want him to be happy, either with me or without me. And while I am sure he will tell people he is happy, I know he isn't. He is just hiding from life. He is medicating himself and hiding from his reality.
And speaking of his reality, why does being around me have an "emotional cost" to him? He wanted this! He wanted the divorce he wanted it, and he got it. So why isn't he happy?? Why hasn't this brought him the relief that he wanted? Why would seeing me cause him emotional harm? Shouldn't it be the other way around?
And I recognize and acknowledge this is probably all part of his QLC/MLC, that I am hoping this is the withdrawl phase (Which I would LOVE to know more about. How long? When the start to move to acceptance what does that look like?)
It just makes me mad that he is so contrite and arrogant to believe that all the questions I have could be answered with NO. Because technically he said that no, it doesnt' mean we can't be friends. I just want to know what direction he is trying to head in his life? I want to know why I cause him emotional pain? Why if this is what he wanted isn't he as happy as can me? Why is it that he couldn't be honest with me? Why didn't he just call me and talk to me? Why does he run like this all the time? Why is he resistant to having an honest converstaion with me about our past relationship and why he is making this choice now? Why can't there be some middle ground? Why does he "hide" and his 57 year old best friend's mom' house all the time? Why doesn't he live the life of a normal 28 year old single man? Why does he need her to make him dinner every night and hang out with her every weekend? And why does he continue to break his word to me? He promised to love me forever and stay with me... then he promised me that he didn't want to live without me that we were going to make this crazy thing called marriage work.... then he told me he didn't want to hurt me. He broke all those promises...so shouldn't it be me who is emotionally wounded and hurt when I see him!?!
I would love any and all advice. I know I am not a real regular here.... but I hope to get some responses!
