Journey of a Happy Heart 2

[princess_nic]

First I want to thank all of you for caring and responding.

I had a bad day yesterday, and thank you ISLH for talking to me on the phone. Also FIB--many thanks. You both helped me a lot.

Yesterday, I stupidly called H, which only led to worse feelings. I will repost my narcissism post above:

Thank you very much all of you.

I have checked out some sites, and have read your comments carefully.

At this point, I really don't know about my H. He has always shown some traits of the "soma" narcisist, who uses sex to get women. He has always been very flirtatious and gone from woman to woman (till me, which lasted 16 yrs, or 14 if you include the A he had at the end).

Wonder, what you said really spoke to me. My H is high-achieving, yet felt like a fraude and was constantly afraid of losing his job, or thinking that others were out to get him. He was on meds for anxiety.

Yesterday, he said some strange things to me:

Me: Sometimes I feel really sad that I couldn't be the wife you needed. Do you? That you couldn't be the H I neeeded?

H: No. I am who I am; you are who you are. We didn't have the tools we needed at the time [true--but that doesn't make you sad??]

Me: I also feel guilty about some of the things I did, and I wish I could change them. Do you feel like that?

H: No. I don't like to feel guilty, so I just don't think about anything that might make me feel that way.

Me: I have asked your forgiveness for specific things that I did in our marriage that were hurtful, and you have told me you forgive me. I don't know if you really do or not, but that doesn't matter. It would mean a lot to me if you could apologize for the things that *you* did. Maybe you could write it down; I think that would be easier for you. I only want you to do this if you feel in your heart that you want my forgiveness. [he has never taken responsibility for his part]

H: [this was the shocker] Well, I'm not the kind of person that asks for forgiveness; it's not in my personality. I don't need it.

H: But I can give you a heartfelt *acknowledgement* b/c I certainly did do some things I shouldn't have.

Me: ok



So--he says he's really worked on himself, yet he can't face his guilt, has no regrets [although maybe that's healthy], and doesn't feel the need to apologize or ask for forgiveness.

He told me at one point shortly after he left that he doesn't know how to love, there's something really messed up inside him, he doesn't feel empathy. He said three months ago the same thing: he can't be in an intimate R b/c he can't share himself, there's something very messed up about him. Then, w/in a couple of weeks, he was dating someone knew (w/o telling me until I found out a few days ago). When I asked him about everything he'd said, he told me, "It changed."

The thing is, he had a one-night stand 6 years ago, and was wracked with guilt. He told me that he was so relieved when he went for his final AIDS test after 6 mo that I went with him and he truly felt forgiven. This was a year and a half ago that he told me this! Yet he's not the kind of person who needs forgiveness?

Wonder, I think you are right: he's back into his crazy world since he's with someone new. I don't really think that the "right" person can really take all those feelings of emptiness and inability to love away. But maybe I'm wrong. Actually, that's what hurts the most--maybe I'm wrong and it really is all about me.

Gosh, I didn't mean to go on so much on this thread. I'm going to repost this on my own thread.

I don't even think it really matters, anyway, what his "diagnosis" is. Whoever and whatever he is right now, it's not for me.

Thanks again,
Nicola

The time has come for me to move ahead with the LS. I will see my new lawyer (my original one is now a judge!) and also a financial advisor. After that, I will tell H that I'm ready to see a mediator. I want to get this show on the road. It will be hard--I know that--but at least I will be going somewhere. I have left the control of this situation up to him for too long. I am still writing cheques with his name on them! I still have to tell him if I have a big expense, so he knows. This does not make sense. I think I may have to make some boundaries wrt him being in the house when this is done, but that can wait.

In the meantime, I am going to work out an agreement on my own, with the things I want for sure--the non-negotiables.

Yesterday and today, I took a tranqulizer. I haven't had to do that during the day since he left. I am so sleepy, yet I have a lot of work to do. I will have to find a way to get it done w/o going to sleep!

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Amazingly, H also said some things yesterday that I was happy to hear:

"This is hard on everyone."

"I feel like I've ruined your life, too. But that's not true." [In response to my saying that I felt like he'd ruined my life, and he said it wasn't true.]

At least this shows some humanity.

I am beginning to suspect that he's not really in MLC, or that if he is, it is just exacerbating problems that were already there.

He's right that we didn't have the relationship tools that we have now. I still think it's possible to go back and repair it, but he doesn't. And if he doesn't I MUST let this go.

I know there could be some kind of sudden turnaround, but I don't expect it. I just have to get out of this limbo right now. My heart just can't take it anymore, and I have to be able to take care of myself and my children.

Well, I guess I've gone on long enough!

I hope you all have a good day.