I have checked out some sites, and have read your comments carefully.
At this point, I really don't know about my H. He has always shown some traits of the "soma" narcisist, who uses sex to get women. He has always been very flirtatious and gone from woman to woman (till me, which lasted 16 yrs, or 14 if you include the A he had at the end).
Wonder, what you said really spoke to me. My H is high-achieving, yet felt like a fraud and was constantly afraid of losing his job, or thinking that others were out to get him. He was on meds for anxiety.
Yesterday, he said some strange things to me:
Me: Sometimes I feel really sad that I couldn't be the wife you needed. Do you? That you couldn't be the H I neeeded?
H: No. I am who I am; you are who you are. We didn't have the tools we needed at the time [true--but that doesn't make you sad??]
Me: I also feel guilty about some of the things I did, and I wish I could change them. Do you feel like that?
H: No. I don't like to feel guilty, so I just don't think about anything that might make me feel that way.
Me: I have asked your forgiveness for specific things that I did in our marriage that were hurtful, and you have told me you forgive me. I don't know if you really do or not, but that doesn't matter. It would mean a lot to me if you could apologize for the things that *you* did. Maybe you could write it down; I think that would be easier for you. I only want you to do this if you feel in your heart that you want my forgiveness. [he has never taken responsibility for his part]
H: [this was the shocker] Well, I'm not the kind of person that asks for forgiveness; it's not in my personality. I don't need it.
H: But I can give you a heartfelt *acknowledgement* b/c I certainly did do some things I shouldn't have.
Me: ok
So--he says he's really worked on himself, yet he can't face his guilt, has no regrets [although maybe that's healthy], and doesn't feel the need to apologize or ask for forgiveness.
He told me at one point shortly after he left that he doesn't know how to love, there's something really messed up inside him, he doesn't feel empathy. He said three months ago the same thing: he can't be in an intimate R b/c he can't share himself, there's something very messed up about him. Then, w/in a couple of weeks, he was dating someone new (w/o telling me until I found out a few days ago). When I asked him about everything he'd said, he told me, "It changed."
The thing is, he had a one-night stand 6 years ago, and was wracked with guilt. He told me that he was so relieved when he went for his final AIDS test after 6 mo that I went with him and he truly felt forgiven. This was a year and a half ago that he told me this! Yet he's not the kind of person who needs forgiveness?
Wonder, I think you are right: he's back into his crazy world since he's with someone new. I don't really think that the "right" person can really take all those feelings of emptiness and inability to love away. But maybe I'm wrong. Actually, that's what hurts the most--maybe I'm wrong and it really is all about me.
Gosh, I didn't mean to go on so much on this thread. I'm going to repost this on my own thread.
I don't even think it really matters, anyway, what his "diagnosis" is. Whoever and whatever he is right now, it's not for me.
Thanks again, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
