Bizarre situation

[4ever_Regretful]

I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever come out of it. Seems too comfortable with things, although he has said that this whole thing is hard for him and is very stressful. 4-Ever, What made you realize that your marriage was important and that you didn't want to lose your H?

There were several things that made me realize.
I think it helped when I stopped contact with OM. Sorry that is not possible in your case. But also when I was involved with OM, I had all these illusions of how much better my life would be. But when I was truly given a chance to try it, H moved out, I didn't get back with OM, but I talked to him over the phone once in a while and discovered, it was not all I imagined it to be. It wasn't the great love I thought we had. I had an EA with him. H was working on living his separate life without me and he seemed to enjoy it. He didn't seem to want or need me. Also I was pregnant with DD and it made me think of what kind of family I wanted my DD to grow up in.

It also helped me to understand why I had the As. Your H may not be ready for that. Up until I learned from reading Surviving the Affairs, Not Just Friends, DB, and DR, I still believed I must not be in love with my H because I had the As. But when I finally understood, it became clear. I love my H, have always loved my H, but I made decisions and acted on them believing otherwise.

Your H may seem to be comfortable with the situation, but I believe him that it is hard on him and it is very stressful. He must still not be sure of what he wants. If he did, then it would not be hard or stressful because he can then cut the ties he knows he doesn't care for. With that, I say it is a good sign.

I didn't get angry but calmly told him that I would really have appreciated him telling me over a month ago when I first asked him to look after S for 3 days, rather than him agreeing but all this time not knowing what to say and then dropping this on me at the last minute. He seemed guilty.

You handled it marvelously; Got your point across without losing your cool. And yes! He should feel guilty.

I commented that if he had something planned then how come a little one could possibly fit in, was he just going to get someone else to babysit? He said not (and I believe him) but it makes me wonder what they have planned if a child could easily come along.

At least it is nothing romantic. And this will serve as a reminder to him that he has a family and this little arrangement with the OW may not work into it well.
And little issues such as this is good in jolting him into reassessing whether all of this is worth what he has with OW.
Just make sure you continue to be supportive of him.

I guess I have to stop thinking of all the things they are doing as it just messes up my head. I honestly thought that his child would be his number one priority - always. He did suggest that he come on Tues and collect S from childminder and also pick me up from the airport. I agreed and thanked him for suggesting it.

True. Your imagination will be worst than the truth. I have let mine get the best of me most of the time and it has only made things worst.
The fact that he is trying to make amends by picking you up at the airport shows he still cares about your view of him. That will work in your favor.

Later that evening before he went to work he sat and looked at me and told me he felt like a terrible father. I reassured him that he was a wonderful father but it was hard that he wasn't around much. We both had tears in our eyes. Anyway, before he left for work he hugged and kissed me on the lips - which is the first time since this whole thing began last summer.

I think it is great you are giving him the reassurance he needs. This will help him see you will be supportive and you two can be a team. Baby steps.

[Kim07]

Geordie,

I feel for you girl!! I wish I lived closer to you,,maybe could help w/daycare,,I could not imagine how lonely it could be w/o family & friends, but anyway, I think you are being so much braver than I could ever be!! Sometimes I believe in what goes around-comes around,,soon she will leave him w/a broken heart to clean up after just like he left you! I can't speak from my sitch,,,my H tells me that their is no one else and I have tried sooo hard catching him but I can't! I think you most definately caught it in time(my H & I have been living in separate houses for 4yrs!)
I can only dream to have as much resolve as you do now,,I think you are a very confident & smart woman to figure this out and HE WILL MISS what he had,,,I think I can say this b/c my H is also a "workaholic"-i'm not and "not much room for sex"-i'm a bit more needy in that area!

Hang in there and I hope all goes well for you!

[geordie]

I think you are being so much braver than I could ever be!! Sometimes I believe in what goes around-comes around,,soon she will leave him w/a broken heart to clean up after just like he left you!

Thanks Kim! I don't feel brave..just dealing the best I can. It's very difficult some days but others I just seem to be used to it. I guess H's night shifts helped to me feel OK about being on my own at night. I also believe in what comes around goes around....his previous OW (1PA, 1EA) both had something very bad happen to them within a few years - which was quite freaky. Co-incidence probably but still....

Anyway, a few days ago H seemed in no rush to get away from me and said "I don't know how you can ever forgive me for this"....I just said that I am reading and talking to people and it really helps - I can forgive you and forgive myself because we both made mistakes, and forgiveness is a gift I give myself". Never thought I could be so matter of fact about it but I was :o. He hugged me tight. As he left he said something about it being/will be/(can't remember which) "hard to come back mentally"....so does this mean baby steps....giant leaps? My gut instinct told me that he was trying to come back but as I analyze it more I get confused and think the opposite.

Anyway, since that convo he has been OK - haven't talked about R and he seems to be wanting to keep convos going even if they are about nothing in particular, eg. he called me on his way from OW to work and we talked about nothing for 30 mins...... I still don't see any sign of him coming back but I have to tell myself that it could be a lot of coming and going before that happens (if indeed that's what he wants).

Yesterday as he was sleeping off his night shift in our home I lay on the bed with him - on his chest - he hugged me and kissed my forehead. Last time I lay on his chest he didn't do anything. I am scared to get my hopes up....but I am noticing things. I have to control myself SO MUCH now....don't want to blow anything if he really is considering coming back. And if he is....I think I will start thinking "do I really want him..." That scares me also.

[geordie]

Well, the past week has had its ups and downs. But the positive things H has said were:

- I don't feel like I deserve to come back
- the 14 years that we had will never compare to what I have with OW
- This is all I've ever wanted (meaning me, S, the house etc)
- how can I face your parents again
- how can you ever forgive me
- Don't think I'm having a great time because this situation is stressing me out
- I don't want to look back and regret making a big mistake by leaving you

Words I know.....not to be believed....but I am wondering whether he is starting to come out of his fog. Of course, there were tears and I slipped back into calling her a wh***....saying their whole R is based on lies and deceit (he denied it, saying that they didn't lie to each other (!!!???!!!).

He hugs me tight and calls from work, calls me "babe" and even says "babe" on the texts he sends. This past week has has called on the 2 days that I never usually hear from him. He looked me in the eye, held me tight and said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything". Said it with tears in his eyes. I said "me too". Despite all these positives he still drives back to OW (says he's "not ready yet" to stay over at our home). I guess I just don't know whether he really wants to come back or whether he is just keeping his options open and seeing who (me or OW) will kick him out first. My heart tells me he is seriously messed up in the head and IF he is committed to coming back and breaking all contact with OW we could rebuild our marriage. My common sense tells me that perhaps I should get out of this R now.....This is the second PA (albeit the most severe, and the first was 12yrs ago)and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Advice please!! Is this normal behavior for someone considering coming back? He admitted to me that he has strong feelings for her.

Just when I think I am coping I get down again.....

[Kim07]

Geordie,

I'm very optomistically, cautiously rooting for you!! It sounds like a lot of the DBing you have been doing is paying off!

Keep DBing and GALing,,,I will too!
You're my hero, sista!

Kim

[geordie]

So, the rollercoaster continues. H stayed til 10pm one night (usually leaves at 5.30 after looking after S1 when I come home)...there was no R talk for a few hours b/c he didn't want to start as there was so much to talk about. Eventually he did start......here's the basics:

- does not want to give up OW, has strong feelings for her
- H "thinks" that I will have to go to HI alone (need to go for work but was hoping it could be a 2nd honeymoon...not til Aug so thought I have time for things to work in that direction)
- I validated and listened. Told him I did not want to lose him but if that's what he wanted I would not stop him as I want him to be happy.
- Told him that we would need to see L and put house up for sale (he said he couldn't do that to me...couldn't see my lose the house)
- said he wants to "resolve" this situation (but said it in the context of wanting to be with OW)
- says that he is very stressed and he is becoming snappy with OW and he doesn't want her to see that side of him (whoa!! Still in la-la land me thinks!)

- BUT then he comes and sits by me and strokes my hand....
- tells me that he feels like he has been a different person and that he is starting to come out of a fog and see things differently
- is starting to resent OW for coming between H and S1
- angry at OW for handing herself to him and putting him in this sitch (???hello....??)
- doesn't feel like he deserves to have everything he has with me, S, house etc
- I made mention of his parents (who D after father ran off with 16yr old - when my H was 16yr himself )..said that while I am sure that his parents always loved him it makes me wonder whether they showed that in a way he could understand (yes, read the Five Language of Love book...it is WONDERFUL)....when I said that he burst into tears and told me that he never felt like they really loved him. (I think I hit a raw spot with that one)
- I actually showed him the DR book (for the first time)....and read the Marriage Map bit. He cried.....

When H left that night we hugged tight and I got the feeling that this whole sitch isn't over yet....he said we would continue to try and resolve it this weekend. (Fri/Sat when he is in town)

Since then, these past few days he has been calling and texting (incl using "babe" in texts and convo). He saw a framed photo of the 3 of us yesterday in my office and commented on what a nice picture it was. No more R convo this weekend (but good interaction) and he is at work now and I won't see him til Tues. He initiated a kiss on the (almost) lips tonight before leaving.......

Aaarrggghhhh....this is a hard sitch. I think that I would be better finding someone new and having those wonderful feelings again. But then I pinch myself and remind myself that those feelings don't last and it would be better to put effort into this M. I know that is the right thing to do. And it's what I want to do in my heart...I just wish it was in his too. But if I recall what our interactions were 6 months ago, this is pretty darn wonderful. So, patience, patience. A virtue I am finding it INCREDIBLY hard to get! I'm amazed that I have been able to listen and validate even when he talks about OW. Before reading DR and these boards, there is NO WAY I could have done it. Honestly. A big fear of mine is that by the time he is ready to come home, I will no longer want him. Is that normal too???

[Kim07]

Geordie,,
I missed ya! You are doing such a fantastic job,,keep it up b/c its' working!! Its' like a train thats' going up the hill w/momentum & is almost to the top,,BUT,,if it loses that momentum its' gonna end up right back down at the bottom where it started,,DON'T stop what you're doing-you're making him think w/o even knowing it!!

So proud of ya girl!!

I think its' pretty normal to start thinking , "Hey i've been GALing & being supportive & validating as a friend for a while here & now I don't know if I really want this right now"! This is great because I think this will help you to keep doing what you're doing & not backslide!

Keep up the good work!!

My H also had a "DisneyLand Dad" that saw him & his sister twice a month from the age of 8yrs old,,lived w/his mom til 16yrs old,,then moved in w/his GF's parents til he graduated from HS(Salutitorian, no less),,then off to the military for a couple yrs in CA,,then moved to CO to live w/his dad(dads' been married 3 times, common law would be ?8) & met me 1 1/2yrs later,,hes' never lived on his own until now and I think he is liking it too much!

Kim

[geordie]

Thanks Kim! I needed some positive things.....hate Sundays as he is with OW now til Tues. It's hard to keep the momentum going when I feel like screaming at him what an a**hole he is being. And how can he see anything good in some w**** that knowingly takes a little boy's daddy's away. Blows my mind.

What is it with these S who end up repeating history.....if this ends in D then I will certainly NOT be open to being with someone whose father left........

[Kim07]

Geordie,,
So glad you're taking your frustrations out on me instead of him!

The one standing on higher ground wins,,anyway, yeah,,I wasn't paying attention when my H & I met,,maybe if I was I would of noticed all those things,,but then again I wouldn't have my beautiful children!!

H's b-day was today,,just got back from taking him out to dinner w/boys! Everything went great,,no arguments,,lots of laughing,,talking(but not re: R)! I got to ride in the new hummer, yeaee,,he dropped off boys & I at my house, I told boys to go inside & get ready for bed,,,THEN,,,

I looked at him, said I was sorry, he said for what,,I said for this & then I grabbed him and kissed him for about 30secs.,, then told him I had a great time,,happy b-day and don't work too hard tonight(he has to go back to the office)

He seemed to be enjoying it,,kissed me back,,I wanted sooo much to ask him if he wanted to come back after work & spend the night @my house(20mins away) BUT I didn't,,,my God I didn't think this would be so hard,,I want him so badly I can't stand it! He looked so good tonight I just wonder if hes' not working & going out on another date??

The thing is,,he leaves on a business trip to JeJu, Korea on Thursday, which i'm taking him to the airport for,,should I hug him or kiss him goodbye again???

I hate to say it but the only time we haven't had intimate relations for more than 5wks(where we are now) has been after giving birth to my boys(that was 6wks)!! Guess i'm not very patient!! Oey!!

Kim

[geordie]

WOW Kim!!! I am so pleased for you!!! Sounds like there have been some big steps here...keep up the good work! Don't get tempted to push for too much - remember that if you end the interactions it makes you look the one in control and not needy etc.

See how things go at the airport. I would hug him and just see if a kiss would fit into things - if it seems too forced don't do it as it will look needy.

Keep the PMA and don't backslide now!