However all counterproductive emotions are based on ignorance of the true nature of things...The antidote to ignorance addresses all troubles. This is the extraordinary gift of insight"
What do you think???
Let me jump in here and say I've seen great benefits from having "insight" or "intuition" about things. When I react without thinking, the results are often bad. When I have insight into a situation (e.g., finally understanding WAW syndrome and all the wrong ways I reacted before finding out about it), I can respond much more effectively. Insight is an incredible gift (talent? skill?) and it helps in all situations.
Me 40 WAW (emotionally speaking) - living with me 1 child some of my story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post978357
I am completely convinced that dealing with issues in a relationship as soon as they arise is completely prudent. Proactive addressing of potential issues at the start of a relationship appears to be the best all around approach.
It seems to me that this would definitely be true. I guess my question given my current situation would be to what extent you can actually take preventative steps against certain problems. For instance, I used to believe that I would only enter into another committed relationship if the guy was willing to sign a pre-nup guaranteeing me a certain amount of sex.-LOL. Now I believe that it's more important for me to sign a pre-nup with myself guaranteeing me a certain amount of sex but be completely upfront and honest about it with any potential partner. I feel like this is a subtle but important difference. Perhaps the analogous way of addressing issues such as adultery would be to discuss the potential consequences openly rather than just assuming that vows will never be broken under any circumstances. There are books that contain lists of questions that people who are considering getting married should ask and answer. Probably a very good idea to discuss such things such as "Under what circumstances do you feel you might be tempted to cheat on me?" or "Under what circumstances have you experienced low desire for sex in previous relationships?" etc. etc. etc.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My shrink always said, and I agree... LTRs are not about love. Has absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Doesn't even have anything to do with passion or sex.
The rock solid foundation to LTRs is how well you and your partner problem solve, and boundaries.
What disturbs me is that some "experts", including this couple, appear to be taking an unproven approach to its logical conclusion. That would be to end even a long term relationship affected by an issue indicative of early problems (some examples include infidelity), with little or no consideration as to any potential for recovery of the relationship. The motivating principle being that "true love" has no such issues.
Since people are "driven" into relationships for many reasons, love, convenience, money, loneliness, pregnancy, proximity, fear, and other reasons, it seems that limiting a relationship's legitimacy to only "true love" is a rather limited view of reality.
Well "true love" is certainly hard to define but I doubt you could find one R/M on the planet that is Without at least Some "issues." That seems like a strange conclusion for that couple to reach. If people really believed in that approach, the D rate would be close to 100%. Hmmpf
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My opinion is and was that a relationship is what you make of it, with some obvious exceptions. I also agree that the lesser the issues at the onset of the relationship, the greater the chances are for long term success. I remain unconvinced that stopping a relationship early on when some issues first appear is always appropriate. I am highly skeptical that always ending an older relationship because a problem arises due to an early unresolved issue bears any merit.
I agree. It's not as important that you Avoid having problems in a M, it's much more important how you Manage the problems. It's like stress. You cannot go through life without some stress, but you better know how to handle it or you might end up with a heart attack or jumping off a bridge. Same for M.
It's interesting how many of us on here got clear messages telegraphed at the very beginning of the R that sex would be a problem, but we went blithely ahead with the R.
Probably because sex is not really what holds a R/M together. Just pure will. We want it to work so we make it work...or not.
My counselor (he was a marriage counselor first and then my personal counselor) had suggested that I should have initiated a separation when my marriage hit the first big issue - xH's first EA - and xH did not respond to my concerns. His opinion was that I did all I could and xH did not see how serious his actions were in the context of my feelings and our marriage. I told him that I understood what he was saying but that I had no context at that time for separation being anything other leading to divorce.
Interesting. I think the operative words in that paragraph though are "xH did not respond to my concerns." The C was probably taking the view that you had tried everything within the M to try and make it work and since your ex did not respond, take a last step- Separation- and see if that gets through to him. It's always a gamble, depending on the will of the other person to change.
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I wondered if separation could actually save many more marriages if it wasn't seen as the end of the marriage.
I think it would, having had personal experience with this issue. But most people see it as the final nail in the coffin. I think it depends a lot on the attitude of the person doing the leaving. I vividly remember my H walking into the bedroom with trashbags to put his clothes in for the move. I asked him why he didn't use a suitcase and he said something like "that just seems too final" or something like that. It was as if in his mind he knew the S was just a short-term solution to our M problems. Not that I knew it of course. I freaked. I'm the one who actually initiated the whole S agreement. He seemed to have no interest in making anything "officially over." That probably was a great clue that the M was very salvageable. Other people might see themselves in similar situations right now so hope that helps. By the way, here's an intereesting FOO tidbit that you probably don't know - my parents were S for EIGHT years and got back together. So it is very possible to save a M from S, even after many many years. Obviously I come from "will not say die" stock. Nature vs. Nurture debate I guess. Was it learned or was it in my "blood."
I believe that false expectations about what marriage can provide leads us into trouble.
I also think that at least one person in the marriage needs to keep an air of hope and optimism, and have the energy to turn things around. Otherwise, the marriage becomes one of quiet desperation.
Eventually, both partners have to get on board in order to really rescue the marriage. One person can facilitate change, but ultimately both people have to want it.
