Why are you going back to work? I don’t have a problem with it, but I think your H does. My wife started back about a year ago. I think it was good for her because she tended to do a lot of martyr stuff, like you. Going to work allows her to focus on other things, not just the kids. So I was in favor of it.
But as our relationship started to go downhill, I realized she was not working to bring in more money, but to become independent and eventually D. So her work was a major threat to me. She had one foot way out the door.
I also had to adjust to the studying and then working, because it was nice to come home after work and have everyone there, that the house was kept up (well, sort of) and that I could relax and just worry about my chores, mostly the outside work. Now I do pitch in more and while I am ok doing it, if I had my druthers, I’d rather we go back to the old days.
Perhaps a lot of this is running through your H’s mind as well. If you two are not getting along, I’m sure he is thinking it is only a matter of time until you leave him. So he may be acting childishly and passive aggressively by withdrawing and not helping out. He feels vulnerable.
I know you feel the same way, so rather than get mad at him, maybe try a different approach. Try telling him how hard you are working to help ensure a better future for the BOTH of you. Tell him how overwhelmed and scared you are, ask him to get involved and help you out, ask for his input and advice wherever you can. Make him feel involved, instead of the outsider.
Then you need to feel more confident in expressing yourself before the resentment build to boiling. Make yourself vulnerable by asking for help, rather than get mad because it doesn’t come. All that will do is set you two into a major power struggle. BTDT and believe me, you want to avoid this.
