Comments on the state of modern love from Daniel Jones, the editor of the New York Times column of that name (edited for length-- the original can be found "You're Not Sick; You're Just in Love."
Jones is also the author of a terrific book called, The Bastard on the Couch where men talk frankly about what's really going on inside their heads.
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* In pursuing love, electronic communication allows us to be more reckless, fake, distracted and isolated than ever before.
According to the personal accounts I've read, men and women today are apt to plunge into love affairs via text message, cut them off by PowerPoint, lie about who they are and what they want in forums and blogs and online dating sites, pretend they're young when they're old and old when they're young, ignore the people they're physically with for those who are a keystroke away, shoo their children off their laps to caress their BlackBerrys, and spend untold hours staring at pixilated porn stars when they should be working, socializing, taking care of their children or sleeping.
It begs the question: Has electronic communication officially become the most seductive mistress of all time?
* The number of women being dumped by men ''for no reason'' appears to remain high.
Many of the essays and letters I've received about breakups indicate that despite whatever progress men and women have made in actually being able to talk about what's going on in their relationships, many men are still choosing to end relationships with women ''for no reason.'' Time and again I hear about a man withdrawing from a relationship and ceasing all contact ''for no reason'' that the woman can decipher.
When the tables are turned, however, women seem to have little trouble explaining to men why it's over. Whether the man accepts the explanation, believes it or even hears it is another matter.
* Nearly everyone cyberstalks.
If anyone has ever had a crush on you (yes, including grade school), then you almost certainly have been ''cyberstalked,'' probably at a time when your stalker was feeling trapped in a suffocating marriage. Ex-wives and ex-husbands also seem to cyberstalk each other in an apparent attempt to determine levels of happiness or sadness.
One woman even stumbled upon her previously philandering and now remarried ex-husband on a Web forum and -- under an assumed name and identity of course -- decided to flirt with him for a few weeks until he asked her out, which made her feel a little sick but also led her to the liberating realization that the cheating he'd done in their marriage likely had little, if anything, to do with her.
* Reconnecting with an old high school or college sweetheart late in life seems to result in happiness more often than not.
In one of the few positive developments I've noticed, a majority of the stories submitted involving sweethearts who reconnect (via cyberstalking, naturally) after decades of being married to someone else have strongly positive outcomes. You might think people would be afraid of what they might find after 40 years, not to mention worried about how they might appear themselves, and usually they are. But the emotional sequence upon meeting is commonly a rush of familiarity followed by relief, connection, comfort, happiness.
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* Marriage seems to be as confusing and politically charged as ever.
For many couples, husbands and wives continue to struggle to figure out what roles they're supposed to play these days: Who's supposed to earn, clean, cook, shop, care for the children, and manage it all? Although people pay lip service to the idea of respecting individual choices, modern marriage, particularly for mothers of young children, is a tinderbox of high-octane feelings that explodes at the slightest spark.
When Ayelet Waldman wrote in this space that her marriage (and its passion) was the central relationship in her life and that her children were tangential, legions of mothers howled in praise and protest. It was a warning shot across the bow of today's child-centered parents who often sacrifice their marriages (and sex lives) on the altar of child rearing.
And only six weeks ago, when Terry Martin Hekker told her own cautionary tale of how being a stay-at-home mother had left her vulnerable when her husband of 40 years divorced her, the yowls of praise and protest began again. So much for domestic tranquillity any time in the near future.
* Online dating is found by many to be scary, fun, miraculous, hollow.
Large numbers of people report approaching online dating with great trepidation, then quickly embracing it for the great fun and smorgasbordlike temptation it presents, then allowing themselves to imagine that the person with whom they are corresponding is their one true love, and finally facing profound disappointment when the process ends in a face-to-face meeting with an actual, flawed human being who doesn't look like a JPEG or talk like an e-mail message.
