Sorry for the offline break - life has seemed a bit much recently and my sitch seemingly improved - W in a good mood mostly, just rolling along - I am focused on marathon training and work -
A quick recap: W left bed over 3 years ago, hasn't come back and doesn't touch me at all, she had an affair last year, now apparently over, 2 kids D 9, S 13; we are both American but living in Sweden, still in the same house. She declared her intention to get her own place 2 months ago. We still don't communicate much about what she is doing workwise. I, if things don't improve and resolve themselves, would like to give myself a divorce (they are no contest, with a 6 month waiting period since filing here in Sweden), a clear decision for my 50th birthday, in early December. I plan to tell her I filed after her birthday in late July (she told me she wanted out 2 days after mine, the 3rd, annual, bomb).
W is passionate, tough, competitive, easily angered, assertive, places lots of weight on beauty and appearance. I am rational, enduring, not competitive, and control my feelings, not as assertive...
So last night W comes home not wearing her wedding ring, which freaked me out, especially since she talked very friendily about all sorts of stuff (we had a guest over). She noticed I noticed though, and hid her left hand this morning...
I said nothing, but was depressed by it, so went to bed early, slept lousily, got up early, and made waffles on her request. I think it makes sense to give her a bit more time and see whether it is put back on (why did she take it off in the first place?) by the time I leave for a 2 week business trip on Monday. Not sure whether to mention it (though it feels like a slap in the face) at all, or turn the other cheek again; if I do mention it, should this be verbally just before I leave, or by text message or email...
Please advise - what would you do if your spouse, with whom you have had trouble for 3+ years, stopped wearing her wedding band? Am I being walked on, used?
Spring in Sweden, ice out of the lake, lots of ticks predicted this season as the winter was too short -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
It is wonderful to hear from you. Sorry about the radio silence...
To answer your question - no, I haven't filed yet. Giving it time still, and want to finish the school year. You don't need to tell the other person when you file here, I believe, so this gives us still a bit more, even after filing.
How are you?
L.
Yeah
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I just about gave up on hearing from you...I'm glad that you are here again...
So, the ring is off? I would ask...something along the lines of ...did you lose your wedding rings?
It could be she is testing the waters, not wearing it. Seeing that her mood has changed, she might feel it releases some form of mental weight she has about the marriage...
If you don't mention it...it seems that you are accepting that position...
I'm so glad to hear the descriptions again of Sweden.
LL, welcome back, well, I mean glad to hear from you, well...you know! Now, the wedding ring issue. She stopped wearing the ring because she doesn't love you and wants out of the marriage. What else is there to understand here? Did she tell you she was confused, needed time etc? I don't think so. So, I would just not bother about it. Does it hurt? Yup, just another one of those little mini-bombs they like to drop on us once in a while in case we're feeling just a slight bit happy and worthwhile. I'd move on to making you happy, you can't control her or what she does, don't bother trying. That's my 2 cents anyway.
I have to disagree, somewhat, with what Whatisis told you...if she didn't have some feelings for you - she would have filed for divorce herself...she's still there.
IMO, she did it for a reaction...so react. Put her in the spot of explaining her need to take them off...at the very least, you will know where she stands.
You mentioned before, how high the divorce rate is in Sweden, that it's easy to do...why would she still be there?
She wants some reaction...change...
Whatis is right in suggesting that you focus on your life... but don't ignore the ring issue...it's one of her messages to you like the book and the note left for you to find.
I have to disagree, somewhat, with what Whatisis told you...if she didn't have some feelings for you - she would have filed for divorce herself...she's still there.
IMO, she did it for a reaction...so react. Put her in the spot of explaining her need to take them off...at the very least, you will know where she stands.
You mentioned before, how high the divorce rate is in Sweden, that it's easy to do...why would she still be there?
She wants some reaction...change...
Whatis is right in suggesting that you focus on your life... but don't ignore the ring issue...it's one of her messages to you like the book and the note left for you to find.
Hey Luke, I agree with 1210 here. She hasnt filed, why? she plays games like this all the time with you, you ignore them and you allow her more and more justification for what she is doing. Call her out on it, let her know it is disturbing to you. Don't take it as anything more than a test.
LL, my response may have sounded a bit harsh! I just don't think when someone says they want out, whether they actually do or not, that it is of any value to ask "why" when she takes her rings off. Her words u[ to this point have been pretty consistent, where's the confusion? Are you supposed to become some Alpha male and demand she put them pack on? Demand she file for D if she's not wearing the rings? What's the point in addressing it at all? If she's fishing for reaction, then again, why give it to her? My point is to just carry on with whatever DB plan you have in place, don't let her sidetrack you with her petty nonsense. Now that said, if you see bringing it up with her as "doing something different" and see some use, then go for it. I'm just leery of asking a question which has an obvious answer, especially when you won't like that answer (regardless of how true it may or may not be). Just my humble opinion.
