ok. totally crazy last night. I was up really late trying to get that kids sale thing ready. It was 7pm when I last got txt from H. I knew he wasn't going out friday, but sat instead, so when it was 2am, I knew I wouldn't hear from him, and I needed to charge phone, so I turned it off. I also shut my door with the hall light on to give me a little light, being I'm all alone. Well, my s2 musta turned down the home phone and I never heard it ring until the 5th time and I thought I heard a beep and woke up to check it. 5 messages were left from H, and I started listening to them and was thinking, something musta happened with the kids. Well, I'm turning my cell on and calling him, and then by the time he answers I hear him on the answering machine (still listening to these 5 messages playing out) he's cussing out me yelling "where the F*** are you...F* blah blah". Immediately I say, 'oh, that's nice, now your cussing at me.' Well, I end up laughing because, well, that's my way of dealing with craziness sometimes, and he's getting mad. Come to find out, the little things that happened today made him think that I was out messing around. ya. Because he had called me and I was driving to the bank (didn't tell him this) and I mentioned, oh crap I drove the wrong way, I'm retarded. Then I had told him that maybe I would send him a crazy pic the next day.. So he thought I had somethin major planned friday night and that's why I "wasn't home" and not answering my cell. oh my gosh. I said, well we aparently aren't ok. And I also said, I guess I need to realize that this is going to be hard for me to gain back your trust because to me I thought I had all these years to show you and prove my trust, but since you just found out, it's like I have to start all over again.
Well. So much was said, and I can't remember a lot of it. But it ended okay, and he appologized (definitely a new trait in him) about cussing at me. I told him that I would make sure my cell is on whenever he is gone. He had kept questioning me saying well you always hear the phone when I'm there, or why was your door shut.. etc. I'm just like, I DON"T KNOW!!!! I was shaking the whole time talking to him too. All this at 3:30 in the morning.
What I should have said though was, it makes me sad to think you immediately think I'm doing something, instead of thinking, what if she's hurt or something bad happened. That's what I would be thinking anyways. He did say that he has 99% of the trust back, but that 1% still bugs him sometimes.
OOOOOH,. which reminds me, it was after that he said, that's why I hate you being on that website of yours. and I'm thinking.. Myspace? (which I don't hardly use) and he said the divorce thing. I'm like, I don't understand why you hate that. and he basically thinks that some guy is going to start telling me all the things that he doesn't do (like complimenting and stuff) which is one of the reasons I told him when I cheated on him, I felt like he didn't love me and I allowed someone else to fool me into believing everything they were saying. Well, I told him, these are people who are hurting and dying to have their spouses back. I feel obligated to help because I've been there. and he just totally doesn't understand. One analogy I gave, which might have helped, was that because I've been through it all, people are going to really want my advice, or be thankful for it because it's like drug addicts who have somebody preachin at them telling em what to do, but the preacher never did drugs or anything, and these addicts are thinking..ya, whatever, you don't know anything. But if it's someone who had been one themselves, they are going to look at them and say, yes, this guy understands me.
I told him if he really wanted me to quit, if it really made him feel bad, that I would. Although it made me very sad. He said he didn't want to make me do anything. So I'm glad for that. j
oh. such an emotionally draining thing.
He also said that he doesn't need affirmation, and people giving him compliments because he knows who he is, and what he is, and will basically take some compliments (didn't say from me) as just being nice, and not really sincere. I said, but wouldn't you like to have compliments rather than none? That was another whole story though.
I'm tired now.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Well, my s2 musta turned down the home phone and I never heard it ring until the 5th time and I thought I heard a beep and woke up to check it. 5 messages were left from H, and I started listening to them and was thinking, something musta happened with the kids. Well, I'm turning my cell on and calling him, and then by the time he answers I hear him on the answering machine (still listening to these 5 messages playing out) he's cussing out me yelling "where the F*** are you...F* blah blah". Immediately I say, 'oh, that's nice, now your cussing at me.' Well, I end up laughing because, well, that's my way of dealing with craziness sometimes, and he's getting mad. Come to find out, the little things that happened today made him think that I was out messing around. ya. Because he had called me and I was driving to the bank (didn't tell him this) and I mentioned, oh crap I drove the wrong way, I'm retarded. Then I had told him that maybe I would send him a crazy pic the next day.. So he thought I had somethin major planned friday night and that's why I "wasn't home" and not answering my cell. oh my gosh. I said, well we aparently aren't ok. And I also said, I guess I need to realize that this is going to be hard for me to gain back your trust because to me I thought I had all these years to show you and prove my trust, but since you just found out, it's like I have to start all over again. 
