In fact, I believe I read that only about 10% of people who actually S, ever make the M work in the end.
That is so interesting because Raven and one of my good friends were just talking about separations and lasting marriages. My counselor (he was a marriage counselor first and then my personal counselor) had suggested that I should have initiated a separation when my marriage hit the first big issue - xH's first EA - and xH did not respond to my concerns. His opinion was that I did all I could and xH did not see how serious his actions were in the context of my feelings and our marriage. I told him that I understood what he was saying but that I had no context at that time for separation being anything other leading to divorce.
Raven thinks it probably would have sent that strong message which would have been appropriate. He wishes that his xW would have done that without adding OM because without OM they probably would have made it.
My friend and I were talking about this because in the past 2 years I have learned a lot more about other marriages. 2 consultants I worked with last summer both went through separations in their marriages and have been married 15-30+ HAPPY years since then. One man was separated for 1 year after about 5 years of marriage. The other actually divorced and then remarried 3 years later. I was SHOCKED because these men were so head over heels with their wives I could not believe that they had had these rough patches. Then another woman I spoke with on this same consulting job told me that she and her husband went through a rough patch where they separated for 2 years. So I told my friend that I wondered if separation could actually save many more marriages if it wasn't seen as the end of the marriage.
Just some anecdotal information. By the way the guys I worked with were so interesting in their views of marriage. The one guy with the year separation spoke about reducing his alpha male personality within his marriage and learning to communicate with his wife in a more loving romantic way. Like writing a note to his wife during the day when he was away consulting and dropping it in the mail just to let her know he was thinking about her. He was so incredibly happy and in love with her 30+ years into their marriage and it was so touching to see. Inspiring, really.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
