To launch right into my thoughts... if any one of you (and I say "you" because I'm already there) should find yourselves in a sitch where you are seeking a new relationship, at our ages (over 30, 40, 50, 60...) it's going to be impossible to find a person who doesn't bring some baggage. That might be in the form of health issues, former spouses (living or dead), children, grandchildren, financial successes and failures, death(s) of parent(s) and other close loved ones, and on and on. Maybe we could classify these as "normal" (the dreaded n-word) kinds of baggage due to just having been on the road awhile.
Then there are Other, less benign kinds of baggage... past spouse committed suicide, infidelity on one or both parts, jail/prison time, active alcoholism (in my R case) or even alcoholism/narcotic recovery (which is its own kind of baggage), children of new SO who have any of the above problems, parents/other relatives of the SO who have any of the above problems.
And then of course there are the known and unknown chronic and acute health issues. When I met my late H, his kidneys were already failing (creatinine of 2.4, for you medical types), but I didn't know what that meant.
When I started my round of internet dating, I did meet one guy I really liked. We sat at a La Madeleine and he told me he had MS. I thought I was going to throw up... but I didn't say anything. When we parted, I called my best friend on the phone and cried all the way back home. I might have proceeded into this R anyway (stupidly) except that he told me he was still in love with BOTH his ex-wives!
Three years ago my bf had chest pains while mowing the lawn and a week later had quad bypass surgery. Can you imagine how felt as I sat by yet ANOTHER bed in yet ANOTHER ICU?
I'm not sure what I'm exactly getting at... except that if you're alive, you have problems. The question is, what kind of problems can you live with?
I definitely agree with these comments of NOP's:
Quote:
My opinion is and was that a relationship is what you make of it, with some obvious exceptions. I also agree that the lesser the issues at the onset of the relationship, the greater the chances are for long term success. I remain unconvinced that stopping a relationship early on when some issues first appear is always appropriate. I am highly skeptical that always ending an older relationship because a problem arises due to an early unresolved issue bears any merit.
it's just that sometimes it's hard to know which issues go in which categories.
It's interesting how many of us on here got clear messages telegraphed at the very beginning of the R that sex would be a problem, but we went blithely ahead with the R. The book "He's Just Not That Into You" is very helpful in this regard at the beginning of the R. The author of "Mating in Captivity" also talks about the circumstances at the beginnings of R's.
I'm very interested in hearing others' comments, too.
