J- I don't trust when people say they know what God wants. Noboby has spoken with a burning bush for a long time now. I think part of the fun is we get to figure out our lives for ourselves. I think that's supposted to be a blessing :-)
And, although there is much in your post to comment on, I think it comes down to this: IF he said he is sorry, and that he understands how unfair he has been, and he appreciates what you've done, it all might be different. That's what I hear you saying. If he could see it from your point of view and empathise a little, then you could forgive, you could move to AK, you could do almost anything. Am I right?
I know for me, I think of so many issues and concerns, and all of them are important, but often I find it comes down to just one big issue at the root.
If I am right, maybe a MC could help, especially him? Or if you explain to him exactly what you need, not as an ulitmatum (although it might be one in a way) but just as a fact, then he can decide if he can give you what you need or not.
If it helps, and I doubt it does, I appreciate and empathise with all you've gone through and sacrificed. I'm sure most if not all of the people on the board do to.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
How are things with you?? I am going to start a new thread soon, I meant to do it the other day, but got busy. I was telling you about a book I read when I was a teen. I finally remembered the name of it. It was called Mrs. Mike about a girl that married a Canadian mountie and moved to the wilderness of Canada, and how she loved and hated it there, too. You could write a story of your adventures there in Alaska, and then maybe it will let you see things in a whole new light. I mean, there could be a whole lot of comedy there!!
Only you know if you can truly forgive this imperfect man you married, and follow his dream. What does he say about staying there? Does he love it so much there? If he does, then you have to think about whether or not you are willing to be with him, and do what so many wives have done since the world began, sacrifice their dreams for their man.
Isn't there some way to keep your ties in CA, while making new ones in Alaska?
Well, I am off to start a new thread somewhere, I'll let you know where.
I will look for the book on anger. No time to really post now as kids need picking up. All I know about both our M's is that they will surely fail if we go back into them with poor attitudes. I need some major attitude adjustments asap. Sometimes I do think we will end up divorced and the craziest thing is, we are actually good together. When we are together. My sister said once, "it's just weird to see you guys having trouble and maybe divorcing when you both love each other...." Yep, it's weird. thanks for posting and reading my novel length post. It really is like journalling and it does help. Without this bb, I would surely be divorced by now. So, being stable for d17's senior year of HS has been at least one good thing to come of these efforts, that I can be sure of. Done my best for the daughters, so far. Guess I really don't feel safe with him b/c he SEEMS to think his actions were all justified and hates it when I bring up the lying and witholding of major information (like where he was going to live...). No, I don't rehash it. But he did it again last week--borrowed/got a "gift" whatever, of 24k (to buy medical equipment that will Probably pay off in the end, but that isn't the point and he does NOT get my point) from his mom and didn't mention it at all to me b/c it is "HIS MONEY".... Is it wrong for me to think that even though I am a stay at home mom NOW, that I should have equal input into the financial decisions? (I would have likely agreed to his idea, but again, I was shut out). How do I get thru to him? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
do you even realize that all of your posts sound the same. My H the over achieving doctor took off to Alaska and I dont want to go even though i love him and he loves me and we want our marriage to work.but he went ahead and made a new life for himself and i will be damned if I should just suck it all up and take a chance that maybe it might work.i mean he left me and our kids and now i have a life of my own and why the hell should I give it all up for him when he didnt give a rats ass when he took off. somebody please make a decision for me because I dont know what the hell I am doing anymore. i like it in CA and i have 1000 reasons why i shouldnt go and i keep going over and over the same BS every single day.
For crying out loud woman you have already made the decision, dont you get it????
Did he do this sort of thing WHEN you two were living together, or just since you two have been living separate lives? Maybe he didn't realize it was so important to ask your opinion about how it was spent. I was doing that to my H, not asking his opinion about stuff, and would just do it and tell him after, but now I know it bothered him a great deal, I ask him his opinion all the time. Have you told him it bothers you?
And do you feel inside you have already made your decision?
No he didn't do that when we were together. We made decisions jointly and I actually remember us sitting down and "mapping out" options when we were both job hunting, figuring out what area was best for each and putting the other first for the most part. Felt good. My aunt and 2 friends mentioned back then, how much they admired our R, "strong M", "two careers with kids" but making it, etc. So, yes this is a change. How is your sitch? I can't find your post after the last one locked.
And Happy Again, no I don't "get it". If I did, I wouldn't be posting here. I want to do the morally right thing and it is not obvious to me, and I am not stupid. Some of my questions are obviously rhetorical and philisophical, and as for "whining", I think this is the place we choose to vent, and "to journal"--which is exactly how I described my words....don't read my thread if it bothers you. j-
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 03/17/0702:32 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No I don't feel sure of which choice I am making. I lean towards going but need to get a PMA and accept that it's a risk, which it always is in reality. But His actions and moods and mine, are just so changeable these days. Plus my time is limited right now and moving that far is a big deal and just now, I need to help our d17 with the college decisions by visiting them with her and d9. Very time consuming, possibly expensive, but very bonding. I went with our son 3 years ago, went to NY, Conn., Boston, etc. You will get a lot out of it when your son is older. It's a powerful and pivotal experience as a parent. ( If you do get a divorce, I swear you should put in the agreement that your H will fill out the flippin' financial forms, or alternate each year...hey, I am only half kidding).
As for your sitch, so when you invest does that mean you used to not discuss it with your H? Was it sort of your territory or area of interest? How do you do it now? I did thank H for paying the bills up til last year. I mean, it sucks to do and he used to be really grumpy when he'd pay the bills each month. I can see why now. I find myself switching lights off and turning the heat/AC off right after I pay the electric bill, muttering to myself about how expensive everything is. I sound like H or like my dad used to sound when we were kids and he'd pay the bills and give out really loud sighs. I do some financial planning for clients and actually like the field of finance. H does not, but he is frugal. Unfortunately this MLC has cost us our savings (still have the retirement funds, as far as I know). Yikes! Just thought maybe I should check that out. Dang....
Anyhow, like I said, where are you posting today? How are you doing with the cell phone monitoring? Is it working? I feel for you, it'd be so hard not to look. But remember what your real goal is, long term. How does the snooping help? We both know it only "helps" if you want a D, not if you want the M to last and be good. It'll make you crazy. Remember that thread about who is crazier, the LBSer or the WAS's? Someone said the obsessing we do is part of the process of grieving, or some type of step we need to take. The part that is pointless to me is that at SOME point you make decisions based on inadequate information b/c even the MLCer does not know why he does what he does. Reading his mind would not yield all that much info at times. It can be crazy. Guess you know that, since your screen name is what it is. Well, Hope you have a good weekend and do something fun with your son, and maybe even your H! Keep on keeping on j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey 25 yrs, if this is something new, it may just be the circumstances of living on his own and making his own decisions for now. I didn't invest, but I would give him ideas on what we should do, because I will research stuff like that. As for paying bills, I do that every month, yesterday he came home for a while to bring me his check, which I put in the bank, and paid the bills. I am trying to be more conscious of ways to save money, and I have set up the bank accounts to automatically transfer a set amount every week to savings. We have credit card debt, not as much as some people, but more than I like to have, but when I start to work, I will be using my pay to get that taken care of. I hate how expensive everything is, even groceries. You can't scrimp as much on food, really. He did the bills years ago for a few months, but gradually turned them back over to me. I like doing it, and while I am not very frugal (H is), I am trying to do better. We still have retirement accounts, too, but I found a note the other day with several messages and numbers on it, and one was from an investment firm in Nashville, so he could be up to something, so I wrote down the number to file away in my may need to know file. I always thank him now for making a good living for us to afford the things we have.
I haven't started posting anywhere else yet, I will, though, soon. I haven't gotten the new cell bill yet, it comes in about a week, but I will try not to look until at least next month. He is acting so much better, and night before last, he called me to say he was on the way home, and when we said goodbye, he said ILY first. And when I say it to him first, a lot of times he says ILY like he really means it. At first I believe it was a little annoying all the attention I was giving him, he wasn't used to it, but now he seems to be enjoying it, although he sometimes teases me about it. He keeps getting surprised at the different things I have changed about myself. I agree that the MLCer makes some wacky decisions he himself doesn't understand, so I have to give him some space to figure things out, and I am doing better at that. He says he believes me when I told him I don't look in his car anymore. But, he will tease me about that, too. We are going to a surprise dinner party for our nephew who just joined the army He really felt he needed to do something, and was kinda floundering. He is only twenty. He is a good boy, and I will pray for him. It makes me proud of him and scared as heck at the same time. So, that and going to church tomorrow are our weekend, but it is good with me, I am just happy that H still goes with us. Especially since S has said he will never go to a certain church my H suggested one time, knowing I am a member of our church, and S has been raised in our church.
Yes, verycrazy has seemed to fit me throught this whole thing, I have not felt perfectly sane for a while, but it may happen eventually that I regain my sanity.
I hope YOU have a great weekend, and you and your kids have some fun stuff to do, I guess it's almost always nice there, so that's good. Which college has your D decided on? My S luckily wants to stay near home, so far, anyway. I know you are really struggling with your decision, one you will have to live with for a long time, so you should weigh all the possibilities and take your time with it. But in the end, I know you will make the right desision for your whole family. So, come here and whine and moan and vent and rage all you want, it helps to talk (or write) it out.
your thread doesnt bother me. what bothers me is that yo are analyzing this to death. if you do not want to go then do not go.nobody will think badly of you if you decide to stay in CA and get on with your life.
Hi Honey, how are you doing? Oh J you sound so confused! What is it you want to do? REALLY! If you have no desire to go to Alaska and give your Husband another shot then don't go. If your heart is to stay put in your home where you feel comfortable and are happy then don't make the move. Only you can make this decision and you have been going back and forth with this for an awfully long time.
Make a list of pros and cons.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
He really felt he needed to do something, and was kinda floundering. He is only twenty. He is a good boy, and I will pray for him. It makes me proud of him and scared as heck at the same time. So, that and going to church tomorrow are our weekend, but it is good with me, I am just happy that H still goes with us. Especially since S has said he will never go to a certain church my H suggested one time, knowing I am a member of our church, and S has been raised in our church. 