This is only what I would do and may be completely wrong for you, but when she comes over, I would sit here down and have a full open heart to heart, starting off with what you feel and leading into what clues you have seen in her in the past (like her music preference). Find out exactly what it is she is trying to find, how much has to do with her and how much with you.
She probably knows that much of her identity crisis is due to her own inability to assert herself. It would be hard for her to find herself while living with you, if she feels dominated by you. Note that how she feels has nothing to do with whether you think you exert any domination at all. But that might be her perception nonetheless.
How could my being too reliable or devoted have a negative effect on her?
What I was thinking at the time was your devotion to seeking your spirituality, pursuing your career, whatever it is you do. There is nothing wrong with that per se, but if she has been going along with it for all these years, maybe she did so because she thought that’s what a couple should do. So everything would seem blissful to you. What she may see is that you are too reliable and devoted to yourself and not sharing your gifts with her, or at least the gifts SHE wants.
But maybe she has come to realize she has different desires, like her taste in music. Have you ever asked her what interests she would like to develop? Have you offered to take a knitting class with her (gagg!.. just an extreme example.) I also notice no mention of kids. Do you have kids? Are they grown? Or can you two not have kids, or have you decided some time ago not to have any? That’s no small issue for a woman. Could this be the center of her self evaluation? You need to find out. She needs to tell you.
