I am afraid of the same thing....you know I see a lot of my self in her actions...but those are the things that right away I made sure I changed....at least in H's presence...THE ONE THING that H said he despised (to my absolute surprise) was my refusal to accept his answer....I would do as Tam did...keep on until I "wore him down"....when her H said he didn't want them to go she didn't accept his answer....when she got the answer she wanted she was happy....but I can bet he was not only angry inside but bitter...and thinking about how to get rid of this situation where HE is NOT ALLOWED TO BE HIMSELF!!!
Tam...I really hope you don't totally blow it...because if your H is anything like mine...this could be it...I know I pushed far less in a longer period of time then you have in a short period of time...and I can tell you that I came very close to losing my H for good....and not necessarily to the OW...which brings me to the comment that your H made about the OW...he said "no"she didn't mind at all...my feeling on that comment is that what she thinks doesn't matter to him which tells me the reason he is with her is because HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!...I know that will sting but that is what happened to me...when H and OW broke up...he didn't come home for 15 more months!!!...so it was not the OW...it was ME!!!...that stings, I know, but you MUST realize that it is YOU dismantling your H's dignity...question by question...rephrase by rephrase....your way by your way...think how you would feel if EVERYTIME he asked you something and you gave an answer that you had to spend the next several minutes of your time reanswering....what a waste of YOUR OWN LIFE....that is how he feels...most likely
I can also bet that you aren't going to be able to avoid asking him if he will come home when you get back from parents...and I truly hope you don't have a melt down in front of them because as much as they care from you after H tells them that this is what he has been dealing with on a daily basis for years their perception and feelings for you will drastically change...and that can be harder to change then your own H's feelings about you and you know how hard that is...
I am sorry that I couldn't be more convincing....it makes me feel like I failed you....maybe I am not the one who needs to be encouraging you???
I would also hope that you stay with the therapist and take the sting...really really listen to what she has to say and what H has been trying to say....because I KNOW that is what changed things for me and H...I really LISTENED TO WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED...it wasn't easy for me...but I realized that what he wanted in me was what ANY MAN would want...no one wants to be micromanaged all the time...so I changed for ME!!!...and my H eventually saw that...and finally came home....he wouldn't be home if I had pushed my way into his life when he wanted to be free...if your aren't ready to let go...he might just get ready to let YOU GO FOREVER!!!....you both have talked about giving this a few months...you have very little time...my H told me it would be YEARS!!!...but I still had to prove myself...the clock is ticking...and no one here can help you any more then we have...and you have pretty much chosen to tell us we are right, you agree, but that we need to understand how raw your pain is and you aren't ready yet to listen...well, Tam...I will tell you that pain was raw in me for almost 3 years!!!!...I have not forgotten it...I will NEVER forget it....but I didn't wait for it to go away before I got myself on the right track...
When you REALLY ready to listen...I will be here...I am not abandoning you...I am just reserving my energy...I don't want to be taken advantage of...and I don't want to watch the ship sink before the captain(ess) finally decides it is time to repair!
