Harmonic Divergence

[Lord Grenville]

Cobra wrote:
Maybe I missed something in your sitch, but I recall you two not fighting or having any out ward problems in the marriage until recently, when she came to her own realization that she is not happy. I will assume that you have not been abusive or angry with her in the past.

You are correct - and that is why this has been so shocking and confusing for me - there have not been any outward problems in the marriage, and I have never been abusive in any way at all. I acknowledge that I usually have not expressed anger, in the past, but there were not too many times when I felt anger towards my W.


One question I have is why didn't she feel safe enough to bring it up with you? Or if she felt safe, maybe she saw no point in doing so.

I still do not know why she has not felt safe to discuss things with me over the past 19+ years. We could talk about things in a healthy manner, but it seems she has never really been able to share her inner feelings and thoughts.


What may be happening is that she is growing emotionally and feels you are holding her back in some way. Perhaps she sees you as too reliable, too devoted, too static, rigid and unchanging (I'm not saying you are, just as an example).

That is an interesting insight, which I do not fully understand. How could my being too reliable or devoted have a negative effect on her? Those are traits I admit to. I also do think I have been too rigid at times, and she might see me as not being able to change. Hmmmm... a lot to to explore here.

Do you REALLY know what she wants? Has she made any attempts to tell you and have you tried to listen, not within the past few months, but in the past few years? The reason I say this is that while I am in complete agreement with what Blackfoot says, I am wondering if the whole strategy of detachment is actually a 180, or if it is just in-line with what you have done in the past?

No, unfortunately I do not know. This is what is so frustrating for me right now. She has never clearly communicated her needs or desires to me in the past, and even after 13 weeks of MC, she still has not communicated this. I have never been given a chance to truly meet her needs.

You are raising a very important question about the strategy of detachment, and I need to figure out how she has experienced or felt about our emotional connections in past years, or I won't know if I have chosen the correct strategy.


I know you say you have been working on your spiritual development. I would think that requires a LOT of meditative and alone time. Maybe she thinks you have been only concerned about your growth and not hers, and the type of growth you have undertaken cannot include her? Maybe that's why she is trying to find herself now?

Actually, we have been participating in the same classes and groups for developing our spiritual awareness and abilities for the past 17 years. Attending classes together, and talking about our shared experiences, so that's not quite it.

But, a slightly different angle on this, is that maybe she has felt she has not had an identity of her own, since so much in our lives has been shared or experienced together. Once incident that comes to mind, occurred at my 20th high school reunion a few years back. I now realize it should have been a warning sign. About 6 former classmates and our spouses were sitting around a large table, and the topic of music came up. We were going around the table talking about the kinds of music we like to listen to now, and I said: "W and I really like jazz and fusion with such musicians as Pat Metheny, Bill Frisell, etc..." I was speaking about music that we both truly had enjoyed together for 14 years, but then W pipes up: "Speak for yourself! I'm into...." and then she named some new music that she was listening to frequently at the time. I felt hurt and embarassed in front of my classmates, because she was suggesting that I really did not know what she liked, and that I was clueless about it."

I should have expressed to her later, how that statement made me feel, and then maybe it would have led to some further insights. Maybe she has felt too defined by interests that are always connected to me, and she is looking for ways to become more of an individual.

But finding and developing one's unique interests and qualitites should not require a divorce - there must be some significant issues that she has not expressed yet.

I thank everyone else who has contributed to my thread in the past day and a half. You have given me a lot to think about, and a lot more to read and write about to. I have to do some housecleaning now, because my W will be returing to our home shortly to pack some more thigs up, and I will be away from the DB boards until Sunday night probably.

With thanks...LG