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[runningoutoftime]

You might want to look into Lexapro for your husband. I know a quite a few people taking it. Supposedly it's still pretty strong, but side effects are much fewer than other ADs (ie. newer, safer).

I can't tell you how to rebuild trust or security, but in my own sitch I've come to realize that I have to find security inside myself. I can't expect it from him. I can only hope he'll realize his life is better when he makes wise choises, and in the meantime I have to try and enjoy my life as best as possible. I like what you said about the concert you went to with your husband. I think you should focus on living like that. Now that the kids are grown make weekly plans, do special "young-couple-without-kids" types of things. At some point I think we have to give up worrying about "what if" and try to live life it's fullest now.

Why are you walking on eggshells? I know about wanting to see the cell phone (I'd like to see my husband's as well), but even if you were monitoring it, if he really wanted to have an affair, wouldn't he just go about it a different way? If someone really wants to have an affair aren't they going to find a way?

[Heywyre]

I know if he really wanted to do it he would - regardless of what access I had to anything. But I still think there is something he is hiding - not necessarily an A - more like money he has spent etc. that he doesn't what me to know about. We can ill afford big expenses and I know for a fact he has spent about $12,000 in the past couple of months. Now, I know a lot of it was on, can you believe this, lottery tickets (he says "a couple of grand") I am thinking a whole heck of a lot more. However, as much as he can be so inconsiderate at times, I really, really doubt he would ever put us in a financial bind. I know we aren't strapped for cash but at the same time, the money he is spending is mine too and that just ticks me off. He also, unilaterally, went out and bought a restored Jeep (to the tune of $12,000 - not the mention about $3,000 worth of work it will needed done to it immediately) and here I am working 5-days a weeks and he works 2-3. What gives? When confronted about it he said, "ya sometimes I don't think" - no friggin kidding?

I just feel like sometimes I am in a world where no one cares what the hell I do, think or otherwise. I'm just here to be the chief cook and bottle washer (ya ya, I know, pity party) but geez, I do have opinions, hopes, dreams, desires etc. etc. too

We have been doing a little of this and that, like we used to (i.e. going for walks) which has been really nice but we have two large guard dogs that H is REALLY close to and we can't really leave them for any length of time and they don't travel well, so we can't take them. So, until they are "gone" we are limited to very short one day trips (but I am working on that one)

[Heywyre]

I know if he really wanted to do it he would - regardless of what access I had to anything. But I still think there is something he is hiding - not necessarily an A - more like money he has spent etc. that he doesn't what me to know about. We can ill afford big expenses and I know for a fact he has spent about $12,000 in the past couple of months. Now, I know a lot of it was on, can you believe this, lottery tickets (he says "a couple of grand") I am thinking a whole heck of a lot more. However, as much as he can be so inconsiderate at times, I really, really doubt he would ever put us in a financial bind. I know we aren't strapped for cash but at the same time, the money he is spending is mine too and that just ticks me off. He also, unilaterally, went out and bought a restored Jeep (to the tune of $12,000 - not the mention about $3,000 worth of work it will needed done to it immediately) and here I am working 5-days a weeks and he works 2-3. What gives? When confronted about it he said, "ya sometimes I don't think" - no friggin kidding?

I just feel like sometimes I am in a world where no one cares what the hell I do, think or otherwise. I'm just here to be the chief cook and bottle washer (ya ya, I know, pity party) but geez, I do have opinions, hopes, dreams, desires etc. etc. too

We have been doing a little of this and that, like we used to (i.e. going for walks) which has been really nice but we have two large guard dogs that H is REALLY close to and we can't really leave them for any length of time and they don't travel well, so we can't take them. So, until they are "gone" we are limited to very short one day trips (but I am working on that one)

[Heywyre]

I know if he really wanted to do it he would - regardless of what access I had to anything. But I still think there is something he is hiding - not necessarily an A - more like money he has spent etc. that he doesn't what me to know about. We can ill afford big expenses and I know for a fact he has spent about $12,000 in the past couple of months. Now, I know a lot of it was on, can you believe this, lottery tickets (he says "a couple of grand") I am thinking a whole heck of a lot more. However, as much as he can be so inconsiderate at times, I really, really doubt he would ever put us in a financial bind. I know we aren't strapped for cash but at the same time, the money he is spending is mine too and that just ticks me off. He also, unilaterally, went out and bought a restored Jeep (to the tune of $12,000 - not the mention about $3,000 worth of work it will needed done to it immediately) and here I am working 5-days a weeks and he works 2-3. What gives? When confronted about it he said, "ya sometimes I don't think" - no friggin kidding?

I just feel like sometimes I am in a world where no one cares what the hell I do, think or otherwise. I'm just here to be the chief cook and bottle washer (ya ya, I know, pity party) but geez, I do have opinions, hopes, dreams, desires etc. etc. too

We have been doing a little of this and that, like we used to (i.e. going for walks) which has been really nice but we have two large guard dogs that H is REALLY close to and we can't really leave them for any length of time and they don't travel well, so we can't take them. So, until they are "gone" we are limited to very short one day trips (but I am working on that one)

[Heywyre]

I desperately need some help - so if there is anyone out there that can give me some advice it would be truly appreciated.

Here's the scoop - we had a pretty good weekend. We had some friends visit and it was great, we went out to dinner etc. etc. and the whole weekend was wonderful. My H even seemed to be his old self again, complimenting me etc. - it was awesome

Then this morning, things just didn't seem to sit right with me (call it a 6th sense or whatever). He asked me to call him on my break (around 10) and I agreed. He gave me a kiss, told me ILY and off I went. I thought about it all the way to work and tried to remove it from my mind but couldn't. So, I thought "easy, I will just call him when I get to work and it will ease my mind". Well I called and there was no answer at home (only half an hour after I had left) so I called his cell (normally on his days off he goes back to bed for a little while). He said he had just picked up a coffee and was "going for a drive" before he headed off to the library. Well, now my radar was really up because Mondays are bad for me at the best of time (its his day off and he used to go visit OW every single one - a 2½ hour drive each way) - just plenty of time while wife is at work

So I called him at 10, like he asked, and he said he was just outside the library but he would call me when he got out. Now, I didn't think anything of it because one can lose 2-3 hours in a library, especially him. However, I didn't hear anything and called his cell around 12:15 (I only get a ½ hour lunch and he usually calls me) and I know this sounds paranoid but we have always done this (called each other) so it is not like I was checking up on him or anything. I was beginning to get worried because I still hadn't heard from him (and we had an issue with his meds over the weekend so I was even more concerned). Then I did something REALLY stupid (and I am waiting for the 2x4's to come flying). I phoned the OW and asked to speak to him. She, of course, pretending she didn't know what I was talking about blah blah blah and hung up. I called his cell and low and behold he answered. I tried to pretend like I wasn't upset and cheerfully said "I, how ya doing" - he said fine and then said (this was the kicker) "I was just going to call you, I just came out of the library". But that is where I lost it because (once again, bring on the 2x4's) I took extra time off at lunch and went to the library on my break and he wasn't there - and here he is 2 minutes later saying he had just come out of the library? So, #1 LIE !!! Then he says he is just a few minutes from home and is sorry I am so upset. He didn't want to tell me he went for a drive because I sounded upset this morning and he was concerned. So, I said "if you were so concerned, why didn't you come to see me at lunch instead of going for a drive? - No response. Then I say, ok I am sorry for freaking out and perhaps he can come meet me for a cup of tea. Well, no he can't because (LIE #2) he isn't "actually a few minutes from home" he's between home and (the next town) which is on the way to OW's house. Ok, I try not to freak and left it at that.

Please bear with me here

So, I go back to work, am way too upset and ask for the last 1½ hours off (it was granted - thank goodness) and call to say I am on my way home. I hear panic in his voice as he says "you're on your way home now?" I say yes, and he responds with, "well I am just a couple of minutes away, see you then". (LIE #3) he is no where near home because I call home a couple of times along the way (because I am delayed due a BIG accident) and didn't want him to worry - no answer at home. I continue to call a few extra times and then just go home - no H!! He arrives about 15 minutes after me - with a sheepish look on his face. Gives some longwinded lame story about going to the library, etc. etc. and that's when I lost it and said "you weren't at the library, I was just there". He got all defensive (of course) and said he couldn't live with me checking up on him all the time (which for the most part, I admit honestly I have been awesome about until today). He is still protective of his cell phone, won't let me see the visa bills etc. and says if I can't live with that then there is no point.

Opinions anyone?

[COG]

Heywyre,

I don't know a lot about your sitch, but here's my gut reaction to your post. My initial reaction is to trust your instincts. It's not a good thing to spy, and such, but it's definately NOT OK for H to lie to you, especially after he's had an A. The foundation of a R is trust and friendship. So what kind of foundation is there when you can't trust the man, and how will his lying help rebuild that trust.

He should be able to just take a drive if he feels like it, but why does he feel he needs to lie about it. That's just not OK. He's busted and I would'nt be apologizing if I were you. There's just no place for lies in a good R and he needs to know that loud and clear.

And you don't need to apologize for calling OW either. He'll never know if you don't tell him because he does'nt talk to her anymore right? And even if he does know or finds out somehow, he better not bring it up.

Now I don't think you can prove he was with OW, and I don't think you should accuse him of that. But I think he needs to know how it feels when he lies to you. Like this, "H, I called you this morning because I had a strange feeling in my gut. Then when you were'nt there I........ That's all fine and good but what really hurt's is that you could'nt tell me the truth. You lied to me three times. It feels like somebody stuck a red hot knife in my chest. Like I just drank some drano, and want to vomit. I want to trust you again, I want to believe in you, but how can I when you lie to me? I will do all I can to trust you again. I will not keep tabs on you. I think it's great that you take a drive alone sometimes, I'll support that, it's fine. But please be honest with me. I promise I will work towards unconditional love, but please, be honest and truthful with me about everything."

I'm praying for you today.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

Heywyre,

I know we aren't strapped for cash but at the same time, the money he is spending is mine too and that just ticks me off. He also, unilaterally, went out and bought a restored Jeep (to the tune of $12,000 - not the mention about $3,000 worth of work it will needed done to it immediately) and here I am working 5-days a weeks and he works 2-3. What gives? When confronted about it he said, "ya sometimes I don't think" - no friggin kidding?

You are not the one needing the 2x4 in your M. Sounds to me like you may need to set some boundaries. "ya sometimes I don't think", well here's something to think about and POWWWW!! right up side the head with a big stick.

I just feel like sometimes I am in a world where no one cares what the hell I do, think or otherwise. I'm just here to be the chief cook and bottle washer (ya ya, I know, pity party) but geez, I do have opinions, hopes, dreams, desires etc. etc. too

That's no pity party sweatheart, that's about YOU gaining your life back. I'm not sure how you go about it, but I think your H needs a fire lit under his behind. Maybe you've been a doormat for too long and it's time to STAND! Kick ?ss and take names! Maybe you need to move on with YOUR life, enjoy the things YOU want to do. That does'nt mean D, that just means take good care of YOU!

Time to shake things up a little Heywyre!

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

Thanks COG - you actually brought tears to my eyes because you hit it dead on, that is exactly how I feel

And you are right, I need to stir things up a little. I took today off work because I just felt so sick and drained from all the emotional mess yesterday.

H went to work at midnight and asked me to call him when I got up - I didn't. He called me and asked if I was alright, I said "no, I'm not" - no more "it's ok I'll be fine" for me. He is going to know I am hurting, he is going to know this is NOT alright. He is going to know that he needs to start making an effort around here if he wants this to work. It can't all be on my shoulders. I've been too strong for too long, its his turn to pick up the slack now

He asked what I wanted to do (R wise) I told him we would talk about it when he got home because last night I told him if it was going to continue on like this, I couldn't do it anymore, we needed to be mature about it and try and deal with things as amicably as possible. He picked up that I was ready to pull the plug, and I am unless he starts making an effort.

Well, when he called this morning he said what he did yesterday was wrong and he knew I was still having problems with trust and he didn't blame me, but he reassured me that there was nothing going on with the OW (which was good to hear) - he also told me that maybe he wasn't doing enough to move this R forward (good conclusion Sherlock!) so perhaps a little light has gone off in his head, but the batteries are weak from what I can see. Unless he charges those batteries and has back-up ones for when they go low, he is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him, ME!!

Thanks, once again COG for your support and prayers, I need all the help I can get and your words are very inspirational to me particularly today, God bless you

[COG]

Heywyre,

He called me and asked if I was alright, I said "no, I'm not" - no more "it's ok I'll be fine" for me. He is going to know I am hurting, he is going to know this is NOT alright. He is going to know that he needs to start making an effort around here if he wants this to work. It can't all be on my shoulders. I've been too strong for too long, its his turn to pick up the slack now

Amen sista! Be strong!

He picked up that I was ready to pull the plug, and I am unless he starts making an effort.

I've done this myself, but I'm not sure it really works very well. It's kind of like a threat. Better to just make it known that things have to change, and save the "or else".

he also told me that maybe he wasn't doing enough to move this R forward (good conclusion Sherlock!)

Okay, now easy does it. Give him a little credit. It probably took a lot for him to admit that. So encourage and support it, don't belittle it.

You can do this!

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

Thanks COG - I did hold back saying what I thought when he said he probably hadn't done enough to move this R forward. Instead, I just (calmly) said we can talk about it more when you get home (I thought I did well on that one)

And yes, I have to give him more credit, but I have always been pretty good on that front

And its true what you say about the "threat" - we have to leave that part out, as much as we want to throw it in their faces. But, I know as well as you do, that threatening NEVER works, it just pushes them further away. We have to be supportive, encouraging and yet still firm in our needs - not always easy to do.

Last night, when he said he didn't know why he lied, I told him "I am not your mother, and I don't want to be your mother. We are supposed to be in a relationship, if we are going to move this forward and get over the hurt, we have to be open and honest with each other." Of course, that is when he got defensive and said that if he had to live under a microscope all his life then he wasn't going to do it. I said it had nothing to do with living under a microscope, it had to do with two friends, living in a personal relationship and friends don't lie to each other, ever. He went silent (so I know that hit home)

He is on his way home (should take another 3 hours) but asked me if I wanted to meet him over at the shop because the Jeep had come in. I said "sure, I'd like to see it too". After all, I guess I should check out what half my money has bought too, right? - lol

Actually, I am looking forward to having the Jeep now, I think it will do us good to be able to go on some of the old forestry roads we used to travel when we first got together. Like old times.