Lights and Theoden, Thanks for your posts...I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. I would love to hear your story, Lights, especially because I can't understand why your wife would want to leave when she felt like everything was great. I appreciate that you recognize that my M may never have been a real M from the beginning - because I truly believe that in looking back - I was only 16 when we met and I really think it was our great network of family/friends that was the connection we had - but not with each other - most of our early time together was surrounded by other people in the HS/college setting...I even am sure that when my H and I first dated and probably during the early years of our M, he cheated on me. And yes, he has good connections with many other people - which is part of the hurt I have when I see him connecting with others and his eyes light up, and then when he is with me, the light is gone. I also think there is some truth that he probably wouldn't be too devastated if we weren't together - because he really doesn't have much love for me. I totally agree and recognize that I have played a large contribution to the problems in our M - obviously both sides have a huge role. And one thing I'll mention is that my H has NEVER been able to vocalize to me his own wants and needs...or hopes, desires, dreams, wishes for the future...nothing...and I used to ask and try to engage him to talk about anything deeper than sports or food or the weather and it just never happens. I really think he doesn't need that kind of a deep intimacy and I do - which is part of why we never connected in the first place and the lack of connection becomes more apparent as we get older and he stays the same as always and I change...
I will try the book you mentioned. I am very torn because on one hand, I know I owe my family and my H another honest try and on the other hand...I tend to believe that Theoden is correct that down deep I just want the M to end and move on.
Another thing I'll say - the OM - I have to stick up for him a bit. I am absolutely certain that he has never before and would never again have an A. The reason it went from a brief PA to now an EA is because he 100% does not want to risk his family. I really do not think that our R is an EA to him. It really is just a long distance friendship for him - it is not emotional for him - and he has disengaged quite a bit, it is me that holds on...I think he allows our R to continue for my benefit because he doesn't want to hurt me by putting a stop to it even though I know he thinks he should...I think he is hoping it will just fizzle out so that he doesn't have to make me feel bad. And for those who don't realize this...we are talking about a long-distance EA that is just by phone/computer. I have absolutely no expectation that we would ever end up together.
I know most people think my situation is really sad...(of course, other than those who just like to judge me and haven't ever been in my shoes)...but I will point out that I generally am genuinely HAPPY in my day to day life. In all my other interactions and connections - fantastic kids, great career, associations I'm in, family/friend network, activities I love and have a passion for, etc. - so I am not miserable...but I do live with a constant cloud. Sometimes I think this is just the lot I've been dealt to live with and I have to suck it up and just deal with it...and that I should count my blessings that all the other parts of my life are so good.
I did the other day start to make a couple moves...I decided I am going to stop the silent, passive aggressiveness and start talking again...and try to rejuvenate at least some meaningful conversation. Obviously, my old complaints that he never talks to me and never connects with me didn't work for all those years so maybe I have to try leading by example and force him to engage in the kind of conversation I desire by asking more leading questions...
Maybe, since I do agree that he HAS to have a clue that I have given up, he will see it as a sign of hope and something will happen...we'll see...I figure since I obviously am not going anywhere TODAY I might as well try something...
