Hi Phoenix! I am glad you are finding positives in your life. It certainly is an upward slog, isn't it, with very little reward along the way. I guess one should keep one's eye on the prize (I think you would understand that sentence more than most). \:\)

As for me, I have indicated to my H that I need for us to have time set aside this weekend to talk about where we stand. He has a habit of getting involved with his work, and projects (he has a small business too), and then tends to withdraw from the M - he has done this many times when we have gone through various crises, and it's getting pretty old now. He is a great dad, so keeps his R with the kids going, which I am thankful for. However, I have lately been feeling that we have never really connected in a meaningful way after his EA with his high school crush. I don't feel he has put enough effort into working on our M. And, I am not sure if I am satisfied with the way things are.

Don't get me wrong .... I would like my M to work, but I feel as if I have done all that I can do, but I have nothing more to give. I feel he has done as little as possible to earn back my trust, to reconnect with me. For instance, although he is affectionate, there is no real intimacy (I can't even remember when we last ML, and to be honest, I am no longer even interested). To me, it's almost as if he is biding his time, keeping the status quo until .... well, I don't know until when. I sometimes still think he is in contact with OW. What makes me think this, is that he has never been disinterested in ML. Now he is going to be travelling away from home, and I feel this is going to push us further apart. I need to know what's up, where I stand, and for him to understand that I will not wait much longer for him to find a way to plug into the M. I am lonely, and feel neglected by him. So, it's coming to a point where I must decide ... once again ... to stay or end this.

I would rather be alone than with someone who is just not interested in me. I am very happy with myself, and don't have any hangups or baggage, except for this ... my so-called M. I am able to keep myself busy, am excited about the things I am interested in, and have lots of plans for my future. I turn 50 this year, so am quite excited about that (strangely).

Anyway, I am just venting somewhat, and trying to understand where I stand in this M. I think I am pretty much finished, but I am willing to give him an opportunity to explain to me where his head is at, and why there is this lack of intimacy, and reconnection. Based on what he says, I will then decide what to do next.

Sigh! I feel I have been running in one spot for so long, and I am tired of this lack of forward motion. He just doesn't get it! I don't know if he ever will! And, I am not sure I want to waste anymore time on this on-the-spot jogging. I feel I have forgiven him, but in order for me to fully heal, he needs to understand how his actions have effected me and our M. I need validation from him, and I need to see him doing something that will let me see that he is truly willing to make our M a priority, and to work on our intimacy issues. BTW, he does not want to go into C again, so that's not an option. C helped me a lot, so I am glad I went for myself.

Anyway, you can all see that being in piecing is not a piece of cake. There is so much healing, forgiving, discovering, unravelling, and reconnecting to do. And, although you can work on your M alone, via DBing, once you are in piecing, then I think that both spouses should be motivated to make it work. Well, IMHO.

Y'all have a good weekend! \:\)

Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim