Looks like my first thread finally locked up... I wasn't sure exactly how to add the first thread to my signature, but I at least made a tinyurl of it for now. Hopefully that will work.
At any rate, short on time tonight, so a couple quick things.
1.) Went to the therapist today. Feel a little unsure if this will be the best fit but will give it a few more sessions. Will tell you more about it later. Goals are: 1.) Figure out what I need to do at the office/encounters with him to help make myself feel better. 2.) Figure out WHY I want to stay with him.
2.) Had a MAJOR backslide today. Came to office and asked H about parents' trip - was planning on just saying I wasn't going and leaving it at that, but backslid into my old self - wanted to know if he wanted me to go. Anyway, to make a VERY LONG story short for now, ended up bawling and talking for a few hours again. Don't want to talk about it now - I know you're all going to beat me up, and I already know it was wrong...
3.) H originally said we/he/I weren't goint to go, but now we are going - together. I know all of your skin is cringing and you're screaming at me through the computer right now. I know I'm probably making a mistake. I know all of this, believe me. I'm sorry, as I know I'm disappointing you all. It may backfire and completely end things. I pray that it does not.
I won't be logging on here while we're gone (unless an EMERGENCY comes up and I need help), so I'll be back next Wednesday. I'm not leaving until tomorrow night, so if you have any advice for me for the best way to handle myself/how to act/etc. while we're on our trip, I would GRATELY appreciate it.
But please save the beating me up until I get back. I've had such a hard, emotional day and don't think I can take it right now. I want to go off on a good note and in a positive state of mind and with some good tools to hopefully do the right things while we're gone. Please help me for now with the decision I've made and any suggestions you have for the best outcome possible, and you can beat me up as much as you want when we get back, okay?
Please keep believing in me and be patient with me! Your support means the world to me. In the end,I take full responsibility for the decisions that I make and just ask for your guidance and understanding along the way. I'm not pefect, and I guess I'm just not ready to completely let go yet, even though I know it's probably the right thing to do and our best - or ONLY - chance of making it. So, since I've already made the decision to go, PLEASE help me with some tools and guidance to not mess things up when I'm gone and to hopefully make some sort of headway, if you think that's possible.
Okay...so you are going - well, we'll take it from that point going forward...
When you visit his parents, just be yourself...don't worry about any of this unpleasantness.
1. Enjoy yourself 2. Don't be too "chatty" it will be over-compensating 3. Bring the parents a gift 4. If you and hubby stay in the same room at night...let him make any advances...but if he doesn't - don't be upset 5. Be pleasant, but let hubby run the show - it's his parents 6. DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT THE STATE YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN 7. If they see you both "strained"...blame it on the work load 8. Don't hang all over hubby...don't follow him around like a puppy 9. Relax 10. Have fun
Don't stress or expect this to cure your marriage problems...
Talk with you next week...Have fun!!! Have a safe flight...
As always, thanks for the advice, 1210. I appreciate your insights on what to do and not to do.
Quote:
3. Bring the parents a gift
As far as a gift for them, that's not something that we would normally do in this situation, and I don't want even THAT to seem like I'm overcompensating. Since this is the first time we've been to their second home (their first home is five minutes from our home...), maybe it would be a nice gesture to bring them something as a housewarming gift? If so, do I ask H about it or just go and get something?
Quote:
When you visit his parents, just be yourself
This is so funny... I asked H how he wanted me to act (so as to be sure what his expectations are and not to upset him). He said "just be yourself." LOL
Quote:
4. If you and hubby stay in the same room at night...let him make any advances...but if he doesn't - don't be upset
So I also asked him about this - I know this is a biggie in our R and wanted to make sure that I handle it right, within his comfort zone. He said he didn't want to think about it right now (what's new?)... So I told him then if I did "cop a feel" if he would just slap me away, and he said he would and grinned at me...
So, do I just take nightshirts to sleep in, crawl in to bed on my side of the bed (we WILL be sleeping in the same room as far as I know), and just lie there? And if he DOES make any advances, WHAT DO I DO?????? Please help on this one!!!!!!
When he initially decided earlier today that we weren't going to go, he was wavering back and forth, and when I said "is it because you don't want to sleep in the same bed with me?" (meaning a "con" for not going). He immediately said at that point that he was going to call his parents to cancel... So I have a feeling that may be a sore point... But then when I asked him tonight, he said he didn't want to think about it and he'd slap me if I overacted???
It's so hard, because he says he WANTS ME TO BE ME!!! Well, if ME wants to be with him, do I still not and let him be the to advance anything? Do I ASK him if he wants to be intimate (if I feel like being intimate)? Last time on our trip, I know I kept asking him if he wanted to be intimate with me, and sometimes he would say yes and sometimes he would say no. But I NEVER just initiated things without asking (I was trying to respect his feelings). And he NEVER initiated anything himself (go figure - when is the last time THAT happened...). And when I would ask him if he wanted to, he would always say something like "is that what YOU want?"
Also, the day we came home from our trip, I asked him if ML to me made him feel closer to me. He said that he enjoyed ML to me but that he felt like I was only doing it because I thought HE wanted it... I asked him if there was something I did or said or didn't say or do that made him feel that way, and of course I got the old "I don't know..."
Thoughts????
Everything else you suggested I can handle and will do my very best at. I DON'T want to mess this up. And I DO realize that when we get back, things will most likely go back to exactly the way they are now...
I'm just going to focus on relaxing and being ME to the best of my ability... and try to let this hurt go away, if even for a few days...
One more thing I wanted to ask you about that struck me as odd... I asked him tonight when we had decided to go if he was only doing it because I made him feel guilty (yes, 2940 did a major backslide - talked about never being able to see the parents second house if we didn't go - not being able to envision my future without his family in it - Oh, dear, not good....). But then, we hadn't really talked about his parents trip the rest of our discussion - just R talk. He told me a couple of times that he was going to call the parents to tell them we weren't coming, and I kept stopping him but wouldn't say anything about the trip (other than my "poor me" escapades.... I WASN'T trying to make him feel guilty - honest - I just want him to THINK and know how much I care...) At any rate, when I finally said that I understood we needed to just be friends right now and that if we went with no pressure and just hung out, could we still go? And, without even really thinking (which is unusual for him), he said, "yes, that's fine." I about fell off my chair? Thoughts?
Secondly, I asked him if "she" would be upset about this. And he said "who?" (duh) And I said "HER." AND HE LAUGHED and said "no" - almost like "not in a million years would she be upset." And it wasn't like I took it that "no, 2940, SHE doesn't GET upset about things" like he was slamming me or comparing me to her. I didn't get that impression at all. It was almost like he was just dismissing her, almost as if she doesn't matter... I can't put my finger on it, but it really struck me as weird... What do you make of this???
Any more words of wisdom for the trip would be grately appreciated!!!
I just wanted to offer you my support. I am a nervous wreck myself right now.
Honestly I would have done the same as you.
I would accept his advances IF you feel like it.
Be prepared for all the emotions you will get visiting his parents. You will be overwhelmed. You will feel happy one minute and sad the next. So be careful tread with care.
I would not ask him anything about the gift. Just go get what you think they would like. I noticed you ask him a lot about stuff and his opinion. As small as this is it may be a little bit of an eye opener for him and you for you to choose the gift without his imput.
When he doesn't want to think about it or talk about it...it means just that...no, he doesn't want to discuss her with you. She is in his world and you aren't invited in.
Bring your sleepshirts - I would seriously doubt he will want to ML in his parents house...no, no, no, do you make advances, not at all.
You forced yourself on this trip - he's trying to be polite with you...let him run this show.
As far as the gift...yes, I meant a housewarming gift...usually a nice potted plant or potted plant basket, from a florist. Order it for delivery upon your arrival.
Do not ever, ever ask him, again in the future how you should act...Tam, you are not a child. You are a grown woman, act like a grown woman...stop giving him your personal power, okay!!!!
Also, stop thinking that this trip is going to bring him back to you...I know exactly what you're thinking...you are thinking that this reflects you are a couple....this is where you become aggressive, too chatty, overall too enthusiastic...be yourself.
These are his parents - follow his lead. Were they not at your wedding? If so, why would you ask him...nevermind, another time.
Respect the parents house...don't push him for sex...that's plain tacky, no class...
Just go and have fun, he wants to see his parents home - this is not about you or your relationship with him...leave all of that behind.
...asking him 90 million questions all the time...it shows your insecurity...it drives me crazy...I can just imagine how he feels...............................................................................................................................................................................
Okay.... Thanks for the continued advice. I hear what you are saying. I am going to do my very best, with no expectations - hopefully that will help me to just "be me."
1210, what if HE initiates being intimate? What do I do?
Look at the trip as a chance to DB, show your 180 & what a great person you are!
Second, IF you feel like ML, go for it. I did, it is has helped me get to where we are today. My only problem now is getting OW out of the picture & WAH-MLCer to "grow-up."
BUT this all takes time, and more time, time & time.
This journey has many bumps, try not to create any of them yourself. Did I mention how much time it takes?
- Don't talk about R/M - Keep mouth shut when in doubt - Watch what you drink - can loosen lips - When feeling angry, walk away. Anger is enemy #1
Will send you positive thoughts!
Have fun!
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
