Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[LoginName]

Locked up my second thread. I know some have locked many more, but it's a milestone for me.

Quickly, because I am surprisingly not in the mood to write just now, but know I might not get another chance for a while, and I'm not in the mood to be so depressed, and think writing may help exorcise the pain.

Last night I picked up my W from the airport. She was returning from a job interview in AR. I think they will offer her the job. I think she will take the job. I have reason to believe she'll ask me to join her, and reason to believe she won't. I have reason to believe she'll want one or both kids, and I have reason to believe she will leave both with me. In other words, I don't know, I can't read her mind, and I can't control it.

I also have reason to believe she would go back to the OM, and reason to believe she would not. Same thing. Can't control it, can't read her mind, still drives me crazy.

I think today I'm feeling self-pity. I've learned somethings about the OM, and he is one hell of a guy. Meanwhile, I'm a loser. Can you tell I have self esteem issues? I don't have a W who loves me, and I'm probably not worthy of her, or anyone's love.

I'm also jealous of my W. She is looking at a bright future with a new PhD, new job, and new OM (?). I'm looking at being a single father, being responsible, being too broke to have fun.

Ah, it's working, really wallowing in the self pity is making me laugh at myself and get over it. I do feel all those things, but it's not the whole story, or all of me. I feel positive about many things too.

I'm trying to be prepared. I'm trying to understand my own feelings and what I want. If she leaves, how will I live? What will I change, keep the same? If she stays, same questions.

I don't see much hope right now, although I see a few examples on this message board of success. I won't give up hope. My biggest hope should be that I, and the kids, will come through this stronger and better.

Damn, I hope tomorrow is better.