Maybe I missed something in your sitch, but I recall you two not fighting or having any out ward problems in the marriage until recently, when she came to her own realization that she is not happy. I will assume that you have not been abusive or angry with her in the past.
I recall you saying she needs to find herself, and she seems to be doing this by being with another man. This tells me she has been unhappy, or at least not fully living life, and she now is now trying to come out of her shell. If she had been happy in the past, she would not have felt this pull (whatever it may be). Someone or something may have brought this to her attention. One question I have is why didn’t she feel safe enough to bring it up with you? Or if she felt safe, maybe she saw no point in doing so.
What may be happening is that she is growing emotionally and feels you are holding her back in some way. Perhaps she sees you as too reliable, too devoted, too static, rigid and unchanging (I’m not saying you are, just as an example).
Do you REALLY know what she wants? Has she made any attempts to tell you and have you tried to listen, not within the past few months, but in the past few years? The reason I say this is that while I am in complete agreement with what Blackfoot says, I am wondering if the whole strategy of detachment is actually a 180, or if it is just in-line with what you have done in the past?
If she felt isolated and could not connect with you, will detaching show her that you “get” it, that you are a new person, or that you have only harden your resolved to be a more detached version of the old you. Unless there is more we do not know, I wonder if all the advice you have received is based on one major assumption, which could be wrong. I’m not saying this is the case, but that is where the risk lies IMO.
If that assumption is wrong, then the 180 might to show her that you can grow along with her and fill the void she feels in her life. I know you say you have been working on your spiritual development. I would think that requires a LOT of meditative and alone time. Maybe she thinks you have been only concerned about your growth and not hers, and the type of growth you have undertaken cannot include her? Maybe that’s why she is trying to find herself now?
