Blackfoot, Could you please elaborate for the sake of some DBnewbies like myself?
I am working on detaching from my desired outcome of winning my W back, in case it does not happen (she is likely securing an apartment today, which will allow a burgeoning R with OM to grow).
How do I best continue to work at winning her affections, while giving her space that she has been requesting for two months, without looking like I am pursuing her, or needing her? Right now, I am telling myself that I am willing to work at this for at least 18 months.
Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks.
Hello LG. I am glad you have a DB coach.
A lot of what I am going to say is a restatement of what has allready been said to you the past few days.
The way you stop 'looking like' you are pursuing her or needing her is to stop doing it. Its the opposite of what you want to do, its the opposite of what your body is telling you to do, and your body will betray you at every turn. The only way you can attempt to have some semblance of control over your emotions is strict thought control. Save your emotions for you and ride them all the way up and down. The faster you do that instead of trying to contain and control them the faster you will purge their affect on you, and return to some 'normalcy'
Never act while you are in one of these cycles. If you find yourself entering one, around her, immediately remove yourself. For your own reasons.
ANYTHING you do to get her attention, impress her, even 'give her space' if you are doing it 'for her', will be accurately perceived by her as supplicating. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She knows she is treating you badly. She cannot accept or understand you wanting her, becuase of her guilt. It contradicts her inner voice. There is nothing you can SAY to change it.
If she wants space. give it to her. Cut her off. Make her earn your presence again. I did not say tell her you are going to cut her off.
The only way you can avoid the appearance of supplicating is to have really really strict boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated. Its about you taking care of you. treat her exactly as you would a person you just started dating. When you first start you are not 'afraid' of what you say, because it may put her off. You are not second guessing your every move, because you are not worried about her response (showing hesitancy). If you want to put your hands on her, just put your hands on her. If she says stop, stop, and just look at her. If it feels 'weird' to you its gonna feel 'weird' to her.
We still hug and I can still manage to get a 1-second "hello" or "goodbye" kiss What does this mean you can manage? Is that what you want? the drip of water you can squeeze out of a rock?
If she is rude or unkind, you dont accept it. Period. If she is disrespectful you immediatly show with your actions that it is unacceptable. that is a boundary unafraid. Do you really want someone who is disrespectful?
Are you afraid to fight with her? To argue with her? To tell her the things she did wrong in the M?
Were you afraid in the past to do these things? When you argue, do you listen, and Identify the real complaint, or do you try to assure her that you wont do that anymore.
Do not talk about D, or assist her with making those decisions or efforts. protect yourself, prepare yourself, and then forget about it, untill she makes the first sword swing. Preparation will allow you to defend yourself should the need arise. Do not engage in needy pulling. ex. 'you treat me terrible, why do you do that, its hurting my feelings.'
I would save your money on the MC. Its useless while she is having an A. Anything you say in there will be seen as supplicating, or as an excuse for her behavior. Lose lose. Useless. Continue the IC. That has a big IMO stamped on it.
Dont look at it as 'winning your W back'. Your job is not to get her back, its to be the best LG that you can. Everytime she comes around you she belies her words. She is providing you with openings to fight for her. Do not talk about OM. Do not mention OM. Do not acknowledge his existance. Saying 'in case it does not happen' is hedging your bets, its not assured, is mental and emotional sabatoge. when you try to prepare yourself for failure, you end up where you are focused. Do you know your W loves you? Does she know, you know?
You want her. Thats ok. You can say that to yourself. Allowing yourself that will allow you to 'act' attractive instead of reactive and needy. She has a LOT of emotion invested in you, which is why she is acting out. Know that. She is doing it to get your attention and stop you from having so much control over her emotions. Its not working though. Its tearing her up. Thats not your fault, so dont try to save her from it. She can fix it by making a decision.
Stay busy GAL. Do you consider your M a viable R still, or do you acknowledge that it is dead? What are your reasons for still wearing your wedding ring?
