Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Cy and Login and all,

Well CY, your post sort of missed my point, no offense. I KNOW that I MUST forgive, for a million reasons. I get that. I get that it frees ME and also increases the chance of our M working, all of us moving forward, etc. Got it. As I said, I have conceived forgiveness and it grows inside me, but it has not been born into the world yet. It isn't happening overnight for me. Not in this sitch, and I want it so much. I do forgive him in my MIND, but my heart still hurts.

But 2 things are confusing to me. First, how do we DO the forgiving ???? I have tried with some success, Marianne Williamson's exercises in one of her books on Anger, or "Return to Love", can't remember which one, but her book has good suggestions for turning over our pain and resentment to God, out loud, like 100 times a day. It does help. I will renew those exercises.

2nd, I do pray, as i posted on your thread. But there are unexpected things that remind me of his past behavior and trigger so much pain/anger in me, and when it happens at a time when we are supposed to be having fun and being loving to each other, it is so NOT fun....like in Hawaii, H mentioned a friend of his from the fellowship--someone I never met b/c that whole year was something I was NOT a part of....they went to a college football game. I married H in college and we went to 2 games in all, b/c we were too poor back then...while H was cheering his new favorite team, I was driving one of the kids to one of their activities, or cooking dinner or doing laundry and a thousand other things H believes are done magically...

We had a fight tonight and I did SOME backsliding. What I wanted was reassurances from him and an acknowlegement that I have been dumped on as a mother/wife and my needs are not being met by a long shot. Seems obvious to me. Sorry to say, but I feel "entitled" to some reassurance that this [censored] won't happen again. No more hiding things from me for God's sake why is this hard for him??? He was big time angry and out of line. I think he was actually pretty out of line all things considered. Yelling at me for one thing....I said, "wow, I SURE feel like moving up there NOW b/c you are so improved!" Not a great answer, but hey, I'm human.

He basically thinks I'm trying to screw him financially by "stringing him along" which makes NO sense from a legal standpoint, but I don't want to go into that. Just trust me, it makes no financial sense for me to stay married to him IF my goal is to leave him soon anyhow. I'm still married to him b/c I want the M to work, not b/c it benefits me and btw, it does NOT benefit me legally or financially to stay M if my goal is eventual divorce. I am sure of this. SO, maybe I'm looking for an excuse to not go....hmmm...maybe. Or maybe I just want real reassurance from him (more than 2 comments/apologies, please) that he "gets" how much he hurt our M, me and the kids AND that this won't happen again....WTH is wrong with me wanting that??? My DB coach said, and I'm quoting as best I can, "You (LBSer) are entitled to some evidence of change on his part". Well H says when we are all together up there I will see how great he treats me/us.

But just one month ago he got "a gift" of 24k from his mom and bought some medical equipment as an investment. Not a bad idea probably. But I was shut out again and H does NOT get why that bothers me!! I am Straining to see evidence of change in him but I only hear words. Good loving words, yes. But no acts, no behavioral changes, and I just have fears. The first time he mistreated me often, was when we moved there in the first place....sometimes I think I'm a fool to be in this position. I should have cut my losses a year ago, or when he left for Alaska. Other times, I see my d9 look at him and talk of him, asking him science questions and talking about pets (H was a veterinarian before becoming a physician, and YES - I did get to be his wife for ALL those years of schooling and no money....been there, done that and still he says I have not been supportive of him!!) But d9 loves him and wants to have 2 parents together. She is a tomboy and they have things in common. I watched her watch him doing some archery. She got her own bow and arrow and stood exactly like he did, perfect posture, and hitting a few bullseyes. She was so proud when he praised her, just beaming....so beautiful to see and so bittersweet too. Bitter, but still sweet. D9 Says she thinks she's willing to live there for 2 years and if WE both don't want to stay after that, then we can leave. Sometimes H agrees, says so. But he sounds vague. Like if there isn't enough money there, THEN he'd be willing to leave....I don't know for sure on that, I am mind reading a bit. But I feel it. And of course, that leaves d17 in her new college without a home base that's familiar....OH BTW, I do realize SOME of my angst and pain is b/c D17 is leaving for college and I will miss her deeply. Weird to say this, but she is my best friend and I am hers. I am still her parent, don't get me wrong. But we are so close. I can cry just thinking of that. I miss our son a lot. He's at NYU in New York and you can't get much farther than that. In less than 3 years, both males have left and now d17 will go and a family of 5 will be a family of 2 if I don't move there. ALSO NOTE: I did see job listings NOT in Alaska when I visited H....if the heroes screw him in any way with the partnership, I do think he'd bolt and if it's a good place, I'd join him...maybe that's what I should pray for....(sigh)

I guess "being supportive" to my H means, all of us moving to Alaska, doing whatever he wants/decides to do, EARNING MONEY, following him, etc. Wow, that sure sounds like a partnership. And in return, H will..................work at his job, which he loves.........and EARN MONEY.....which he also loves. DO I love H? I believe I do. He needs love and I heard fear and hurt in his voice. I did call him later, calmer, and said something about how I could not grasp how he doesn't feel loved by me when I have NOT divorced him, despite his lying and leaving, and that I am trying to forgive him. Earlier he called me a liar for saying I'm forgiving...gee, nothing hypocritical there....And I have visited him there 3 times, and I interviewed for a job there last week. And my career is defending doctors/nurses/hospitals--so yes, I think I have been supportive to him. (But no full time work for me since 3rd child, and 4 moves in 9 years.) Other than earning money, I don't see where he thinks HE is being supportive to me. Says he wants me to write (which I do want also) and why can't I do it there? (Also says he loves my theater work and I can do it there---you know, b/c Alaska has so much more acting there, than LOS ANGELES...) Some of his comments are selfish and others are also self serving, but then, he has some valid points...one thing that maybe God would want, is that I am politically active. It would be easier to make a difference there, than here. Fewer people, huge resources, and generally less educated population, (though damn hardy!)

bottom line--NO I don't want to move there. But sometimes we do things we don't want to do in life. And it would not be the same as before, since it's much nicer near Anchorage than the interior of Alaska is, not as cold, (although dang cold compared to normal places and where I am now is beautiful with perfect weather) and much much prettier scenery. Also, Anchorage has about 350,000 people and that's the only real city in the state. Next biggest "city" has 45k people.

IF I KNEW what God wanted me to do, I'd just pray for the strength to do it. But I don't know and believe me, I am listening...How do we KNOW HIS Will/HIS Answer? How can we tell when it is His voice and not our own rationalization talking?

I appreciate your prayers all. Thanks for letting me vent.
j-