Piecing together, or not?

[Contyankee]

J,

Ditto what LoginName said. You give many of us, especially me many times, great advice. I too can't answer if you should move to Alaska or not. On the one hand, your H wants you up there because he misses you. But on the other, he can't let go of the idea that he needs so much financial security. I don't know if your H grew up poor and maybe he has fears about that.

How deep of a conversation have you had regarding your R with him? Does your husband know how much you need to be with him? Have you ever mentioned divorce to him? How about a DB coach? Do you have one? Does your husband realize the predictiment he is putting himself in with his R with you, and of loosing you? Does he realize that if you were to file for D, what kind of R will he have with his children?

I am sure there are many opportunities to move back home and work there. Please suggest to him that he is scared of the future of not having enough to provide for his family. Someday were all going to die, and he will have regrets of not spending enough time with his family. I am absolutely sure of that.

Does he still go to church? How is your H's faith with God. I know I don't seem to offer you much help, but life is so short compared to all eternity and your H is risking too much to loose his family. Is he that stubborn, or is he that scared of not having enough money which he can't take with him anyway?
CY

[optimist2004]

Hi J,

I'm on the boards late at night tonight. Can't sleep. Haven't been around at all lately. R with my little WAS is going great right now. My current job has taken a dive. I would like all arrows to point up for once, you know.

Alaska, Alaska, Alaska...

Have you ever actually asked him if he has considered coming back to LA so you could be together? Are you THAT sure you know what his reaction would be? Even if you are, what could the harm be in bringing it up?

If you're looking for answers, I have one...don't go. At least not permanenetly. Don't assume your M is immediately over either, though. The last poster was on to something...are you so sure there aren't more suprises out there? More options that haven't even come to light yet?

I'm too tired to come up with anything sane right now. But it seems to me that since you will be unhappy if you go, and he will be unhappy if he comes back, that the one thing to do is to wait for suprises right where you are.

[BeingMe]

How can I be in this position? I feel that I either move there, or divorce. H seems unable to move back and I mean that. He is frustrated there b/c he does miss us. And he knows we are having financial problems he chose to ignore b/c when he is a partner, the streets will be made of gold...meaning, as usual, he is saying that IN the FUTURE, we'll have enough.... Today I feel my whole M has been decades of denial and delayed gratification because H never felt that we could "be" wherever we were. Had to go back to school, had to do internship, had to get the right residency, had to get thru it, had to pass the boards, blah blah blah. Now he has to make partner there. Did I mention he WAS already a partner where we lived?

Is he mentally ill or am I? wth? j-

Hi 25yearsmlc! Been following your sitch on and off. Here is my take on your H, FWIW! He seems like the type of person who is rarely happy with things as they are - somewhat dissatisfied individual. Will he ever be truly content with the present, or will he always be looking to the horizon for something new?

Instead of say, "that I either move there, or divorce", perhaps you should think about how your H views this, i.e. "they either move here, or I D". Seems to me, that he likes to get his way, one way or another. How can one base a M on one person's needs and wants, I wonder? It is your life too, and you should be able to have a say, and input into how that life should be.

I know you want to be happy, not right. But, ask yourself this ... how much are you willing to sacrifice for him, to not only deny the right, but even your own happiness. Happiness doesn't always have to include the person you love, especially if they are unhealthy to your sense of self, your wellbeing, sanity, and serenity. Selflessness is a good trait, but to abase yourself to someone who is that selfish, is perhaps foolhardy? I have asked myself these same questions over and over.

I followed my H to this new city. I asked for 3 things, and in more than a year and a half, not one of those 3 things has come even close to being honoured. I sometimes wonder to myself if I did the right thing in surrendering to his wants. I did it selflessly, wanting my D14 be close to her father. I am not unhappy here, but I miss my friends from the old city, and they were my support, emotionally speaking. And, I have no-one here that can do that for me .... not even my H. I also justified my reasons for coming here with H - wanted my M to survive, be happy not right, for my D14 (although our twins went back, and our D19 is having a tough time now), wanting H to be happy, yadda yadda. In the end, it did nothing for me, and we lost a lot. I still do not trust H, and we have additional problems that didn't occur to me before we left. I don't resent my H, because I made the choice to come here, but I am kicking myself.

Anyway, just something for you to think about. Whatever choice you make, be certain it's more for you and your family, then for someone who will do anything to get his way (much like my H). And, the more they get their way, the more they will expect you to accept whatever they dish out, in my experience.

Good luck!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks buddy,

I'll post more later as I'm overwhelmed just now. My d17 had foot surgery and d9 has lice, again....so gross and sooo labor intensive. I thought it was a ghetto disease but I'm wrong. It's all over the school. So far me and d17 don't have them but I feel badly for d9 since I am not in a hugging mood with her head right now if you know what I mean. These are the times that H gets to miss.....did I mention HE is the MD???? Lately he does promise to be a better H, reassuring, etc. I notice some positives, but also some backsliding. He asked "wth is d9 up so late on a school night?" last night. Ummm, maybe it was the checking of 3 females with long hair for microscopic evidence of lice, AND washing d17's hair without wetting her cast AND doing extra laundry and changing all the bedding due to lice fears....and THAT is why she was up late stupid! God! Nope, I didn't tell him he was stupid or clueless. I just hung up. then I tm him and he replied with "sorry" and I think he meant it. ANYWAY, I gotta go and will post more later....

Here's to hoping we ALL think this is funny....someday.... I do stand up comedy and I realize SOME of this will become funny when it stops hurting so much.
later, and thanks for posting
j-

[LoginName]

J (and BeingMe),
I've followed your sitch for a while now, and I think you're in a tough spot. I've given you my 2 cents worth before - basically, do what makes you happy (I think that's what I said ;-) If you go, to pleaese him, like BeingMe did, how will you handle the resentment, especially if things don't go well? Yes, it could work out well, but what are the odds if he isn't giving much in return. I guess if you don't mind being the one doing most or all of the giving, then that's OK, but if you'll resent him or kick yourself, then it will be hard to overcome the negative feelings, don't you think?

I believe he says he loves you, and you say you love him, right? Does it feel like love? What is love and does it matter much anyway? We, here on this message board, are getting a crash course in unconditional love, but has your H? Does he understand that he has to give a little too? Unconditional love, IMHO, is great toward children, but in a M/R, both people have to feel that some of their needs are met, at least to a minimum amount. Agree? Are, and more importantly, will your needs be met?

I would love to hear how you make this funny. I bet there was a time I would have laughed at it and thought that it could never happen to me. Now, I might not laugh as hard, but someday I may really get the joke.

I may be following in your and BeingMe's footsteps, and I'm really unsure how to proceed. My W came back about 5 months ago, as you may remember. We have been slowly getting closer, but still have a long way to go (she still gives the ILYBINILWY speech). She will get her PhD next month and she is interviewing for jobs. There isn't much or anything for her locally, so she is looking out of state. She has a job interview next week. She is very excited and it looks like a great opportunity for her. But, what will happen to the family? Do we separate? Who gets the kids? What about the deatails; money, etc.? If she asks me to go with her, what about my job - now that I finally have one that I like. And do I follow her and support her knowing that she is not committed to me and may decide to end our M? I have my opinion (I stay here with kids, she can send a check home and have visitation rights). I worry about the legal problems of staddling two states (J - thanks for getting me thinking about this).

I would support her and follow her if she loved me and was committed to us (although I'd still worry about the affect on the kids and have to really talk and think it through). But with no give on her part, I think I'd be stupid to follow her (I've been known to do stupid things though).

So, that is part of the reason I advise you to make yourself happy and don't give up too much. I think my kids would be happiest with a complete set of parents. The next best thing for them would be to stay here with the schools they love, friends, grandparents and me. I've a hunch, j, that the same is true for you.

good luck J. You're in a tough spot. It's your decision, and whatever you decide can work. No choice is forever either, right? We may not get real second chances, but we can fix problems.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear ALL,

Sort of journalling here. Could use feedback though. Sorry for the length of this post....

Just got back from the trip with both d's to see H in Alaska. I interviewed for work there and will have some if/when I go there. In fact I already have one case for them. Thing is, just between us and the bb, I don't really want to practice law anymore. I'd rather direct or write or act in plays. I do that here and it is so rewarding. It also pays very little, but still I really love it. And apparently I'm pretty good at it, if I say so myself.

D9 did things with her dad like archery, playing in the snow, etc. She loved doing those things with him and stood just like he did, with her own bow. D17 had foot surgery so she was inside more. BUt the way d9 looks at her dad, breaks my heart in a way. She really is a tomboy so she and H have things in common. She wants a dad in her life. I mean, it's touching and bittersweet.

Did some house hunting. I cried at one point when we were looking at some houses. I don't think anyone saw. But we also saw some homes with great views and that seemed to be a lot better than I had expected...maybe if we keep this house in southern California and I can return frequently, it could work. That would have to be my plan. And a home there with a view and enough light, would be worth giving up some of the size of the home. Meaning I'd take a smaller place if it had enough light...I hope. The winter darkness sucked for me in Fairbanks, and it's the only place I ever didn't feel welcomed... I'm from a large family and was popular in school. It is foreign to me to have people assume I'm a snob or whatever it is that they think. Many people live there b/c they don't like people, and they live like hermits. I'm serious. But that was Fairbanks, and this time we'd live near Anchorage.

Work up there part time, maybe 3 weeks a month and spend 7-10 days here near LA each month. H says it'd be fine with him. Of course that leaves d9 alone with H and until she has friends up there, I'd need to be there for her. Moving is hard on kids but they do adjust. Still, some places are just easier to plug into. Also, it is different now b/c we only have one child at home so she'll have no buffers around. No kid to play with at home as the older kids had when she was just a baby. So she'll really be on her own up there. That scares me a lot. I saw how hard the move there was before (we lived in Fairbanks for 3 years and H went native on me always wanting to stay or return. Thank God at least the job he has is near Anchorage and that is much much better/prettier/like a real city. In fairness, it's beautiful. But cold still, in the 20's and it's March, and at night it went to the teens. But Fairbanks was -20 most of the winter...yep, 20 below was tops for several weeks. And it's the darkness that bothers me the most. From Halloween to about Valentine's day, it's just too dark for me. Yes, I own one of those lights....)

ANYHOW, my emotions were swinging both ways. On one end, I felt rage at H for making me make a choice like this. And fear about what he'll be like there. On the other hand, d17 is leaving for college this fall anyhow so to some extent d9 is going to be an only child anyhow. But my vision was more of d17 visiting some weekends and me and d9 living here in the same house and same school, and I don't know what I would do professionally. Maybe teach. I'd have the same schedule as d9. Moving there== well it would be a two parent family and guess what? D9 mentions "living with daddy" as a reason for moving there. That surprised me. 20 months have passed with just the 3 girls and we have a routine. Frankly, it'll be a little weird to be around H so much again. H generally is very loving while we are there and when he calls. He does have to be in a way. And he says he's willing to keep our home here, available and open for frequent trips to see the sun...

I'm mad at him for forcing this on me. No matter what I choose, someone I love gets hurt. If we stay here, d9 stays in her school and has her same friends...but no daddy most of the time. If we move, it will be hard on D9 also, AND d17 has told me that "moving the nest just as she is leaving it" doesn't feel too good. BUt, she also told me maybe I could give it a try. D17 is a very generous and kind person. She'd never complain. But we moved here to LA right after s20 finished high school, about 3 hours away. S20 told me it stinks in a way to come here on the holidays b/c he has no friends here since he didn't attend high school here. I'd be doing the same thing to d17 essentially. And oh, btw, what about how I feel about H?? Sometimes when I look at him, I think he's goofy as hell. Or just way too abrupt politically. He'll spout off about a topic and sound like a really extreme guy.

In the past 8 weeks, s20 has had surgery on his hand, to help with nerve damage done in a snowboard accident. D17 had foot surgery-- H was not here for either of those events AND he's the doc!

Last night there was a scary noise outside on the deck, next to my bedroom. The girls were freaked out so I went out to look and took the dog and a weapon. About 4 seconds after going out the door, ALL the electricity was cut off and it got totally dark. Really really dark. Pitch black. Had to feel my way back in the house. THAT did freak me out for a minute until I realized that all the houses had gone out and that there was a power outage, and not a guy clippiing my wires....Geez, NO H at home. That was a time I'd have liked him around. Scary noises, medical care for the kids, killing bugs, laying in bed NOT alone and NOT with my daughters, and the show that D17 was in last month....H is missing so much....and so are we. My needs are not being met as a woman or as a mother.

How can he ever make this up to her? Can he? She is forgiving. But he has just missed so damn much and I am pissed at him for that. How can a man do that to his own kids? He IS lonely there when we are not around. I sense it and he says it and that he "needs" us, loves me, etc. He says things that I need to hear.

But I guess it all boils down to two things for me: First, what IS best for d9? And second, how do I get past the anger b/c if I do go there, I have to have a PMA...I think a two parent family is better than just one. But it's hard. I just love it here. I really hope I can travel as much as h says...although I also told him that he would have to change HIS schedule to pick up d9 if I am out of town....he agreed....

Also said he'd sign something that gives me custody if we D in the next....??? (I think I'd try for 2 years or so). Although that surprised me, it does help me feel less endangered. I felt that if I moved there and then found H to be goofy again, I'd be forced to stay in Alaska due to jurisdiction/custody issues...That would be hell. It's a huge risk. Guess H knows that.

So I guess I'm leaning to going there....feeling sad for d17. Do men think that when kids turn 18 they're done? It seems that way with H. I WANT to be near my kids and then their kids, someday....H thinks that's weird. He moved A LOT as a kid and thinks it's normal.

It would HELP A LOT if H didn't look at this as so permanent. I mean if I really trusted that we'd leave within 3 years unless we Both loved it there, then I'd feel better. But it is so much pressure on me when I visit, like everyone is doing a commercial for the state. They asked me during the interview "how things were going" so I guess they were asking about whether I'd be sticking around. It's odd for them to ask. I mean I assume it was about ME working there b/c if it's about H working there, I think it is none of their business how I feel about my M....I mean, what would they have done if I said "50-50" chance of divorce??

One last thing. There are possibilities there that would be much less attainable here. There population is small and so is the pool of post graduate degrees. Politically getting involved there would be much easier for me than here. But then, theater and film is here and sooo NOT there. WTH?????

Thanks for "listening" and any advice is welcome. Do any of you think I'll feel like a doormat for going there when H was so deceptive and weird getting up there? I mean, looks like his behavior gets rewarded now. But then if I say no to punish him, well, that IS punitive....when I reflect on how shitty he was and has been the past 20 months, his selfishness, I feel like filing....Guess I really have not forgiven him....damn. Much MUCH easier said than done...What is the morally right thing to do?
j-

[LoginName]

J-
Thanks for posting. I'm very interested in your sitch, and want it to turn out the best for you and your Ds (don't know your H, but I don't wish anything bad for him, just not as interested in his happiness).

Also, my sitch may, kinda sorta, follow yours. I may be asked to move to another state (Arkansas!) and it will be a tough decision.

Anyway, back to your post.

I don't really want to practice law anymore. I'd rather direct or write or act in plays. I do that here and it is so rewarding

I recommend that you find a way to do what you want to do, where ever you end up. I don't know what that will look like; law by day, theater by night? Start your own theater? Don't give up what you love.

She wants a dad in her life. I mean, it's touching and bittersweet

Aaaaargh! Why do they (our WASs) make it so hard. I see my D with my W, and how much my D loves her mom, and it kills me to think they may be separated for weeks, months at a time. This is one of the worst parts of all this. And I think I'll have more on it later.

The winter darkness sucked for me in Fairbanks,

I know how important that is. I lived in Dunoon, Scotland. During the winter, the sun would only be out for about 4 hours a day, and of course it was overcast so you couldn't see it anyway. It can really affect your spirit. This is a real consideration. But, you've the imagination to see ways to work around this; returning to LA often, the special lamps. I think you could get past this.

Moving is hard on kids but they do adjust.

I guess they do. And this is still the hardest question/problem. What is best for the kids? I'm leaning toward the theory that we can't know, 100%, whats best. I think having 2 parents is very, very important. I think our kids love our WASs. I think we can know this: if you go to AK and are miserable, you won't be doing your D any favors. If you don't set an example of a happy, healthy adult, you won't be doing her any favors. I just spent 3 days with my m-i-l while my W was out of town. My m-i-l told me about how she sacrifices for her family and isn't happy herself, but how her happiness isn't important. That's where my W got that crap! Then, when those artificial expectations and pressures build up too much, they go WAS. Don't give that legacy to your children. Try to make the best choice for them, but don't forget yourself and the example you are setting.

I'm mad at him for forcing this on me.

This is a tricky one too. (I guess none of this is easy, is it? :)) How to get over the anger and resentment. Here's how I've been thinking about it lately, see what you think of this idea. Since it's your choice to go or not, and it really is a choice, you have no right to feel resentment. Maybe that should be a precondition of you moving, that you can get past that resentment and Choose to move up there. As for the anger and resentment over what has already happened, that could be different and could be harder. I've been thinking of the past as 'something that's happened' and not something that She did TO me. It happened. It's passed. I can't change it. I can learn from it and make some changes, but I can't change what has happened. That helps me not be so angry.

How can he ever make this up to her? Can he? She is forgiving

I don't believe he can. Good thing our kids love us regardless.

Also said he'd sign something that gives me custody if we D

Wow. That sounds great to me. That seems really significant to me too.

Do men think that when kids turn 18 they're done?

Hey! I don't feel that way, and never will. Don't generalize so much. You've hurt my feelings.

when I reflect on how shitty he was and has been the past 20 months, his selfishness, I feel like filing....Guess I really have not forgiven him...

Frogiveness, and love. More hard stuff. I read one book or email or article that suggested that you and your H should agree to someway for him to pay you back, make it even, that it's unreasonable to expect humans to be able to fogive without some form of restitution. Maybe you could try that? Or, maybe it just takes time? Or maybe it's that idea of thinking of the past as the past. How do you forgive your kids when they do something wrong? Can you do with your H? Then Love. Does it conquer all? Has the love been destroyed or too severely damaged? Can it be rebuilt? Does love even matter (or is it even real)?

Executive sumamry. Do what you want to do. Don't settle or make a choice based on others, even your kids. If you sacrifice yourself, your D will see it and learn from it. You won't be able to get past the resentment. If you do it for you, your D will see it and learn from it. You will be able to get past the resentment.

I think moving to AK could work. You are creative enough to find solutions to all the little (although they might not seem little) problems. If you stayed in LA, your imaginative enough to find solutions there too. The keys to AK are your resentment and what you want to do, IMHO. As always, I wish for you what is best for you, and happiness (real happiness, not immediate gratification, smiling all the time happiness).

Take care. Please let us know what happens, I'm interested.

[Contyankee]

I'm heading off to church shortly so I won't say to much here at the moment. Remember, Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. When you are able to do that, it takes a huge weight or burden off of your shoulders. The more resentment and anger you carry with you, the heavier it becomes.

On Tuesday's sermon at church, the priest relayed a true story. There was a man who goes jogging every morning with his dog. One morning, the dog ran ahead of him to a moving truck, went inside, and put his "John Hancock" on the sofa. That brought a chuckle from all of us. The owner of the dog, apologized to the man and was willing to pay restitution for what his dog did. The man replied, "that is not necessary because my Wife filed for Divorce and the furniture belongs to her."

The priest added that this Divorce man carried all the resentment and anger towards his Ex-Wife. How sad that he can not forgive because if you do not forgive, neither will the Father in Heaven forgive you and if that happens, what will become of your Soul? Of course its not easy for anyone but please pray on this. Forgiveness will come if you open your heart to Jesus. Jesus can accomplish anything if we are open to HIM and can heal each one of us. Personally, I feel so much better, both physically and mentally that I have forgiven my wife and her family. Its a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am still praying that I will once again feel love for my wife and even her family but its not there yet. I know if I continue to pray though, it will come back in time. Jesus is all about Love so I need to imitate Him as best I can. Still work in progress but I will not give up.

I hope this helps somewhat!
CY

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Cy and Login and all,

Well CY, your post sort of missed my point, no offense. I KNOW that I MUST forgive, for a million reasons. I get that. I get that it frees ME and also increases the chance of our M working, all of us moving forward, etc. Got it. As I said, I have conceived forgiveness and it grows inside me, but it has not been born into the world yet. It isn't happening overnight for me. Not in this sitch, and I want it so much. I do forgive him in my MIND, but my heart still hurts.

But 2 things are confusing to me. First, how do we DO the forgiving ???? I have tried with some success, Marianne Williamson's exercises in one of her books on Anger, or "Return to Love", can't remember which one, but her book has good suggestions for turning over our pain and resentment to God, out loud, like 100 times a day. It does help. I will renew those exercises.

2nd, I do pray, as i posted on your thread. But there are unexpected things that remind me of his past behavior and trigger so much pain/anger in me, and when it happens at a time when we are supposed to be having fun and being loving to each other, it is so NOT fun....like in Hawaii, H mentioned a friend of his from the fellowship--someone I never met b/c that whole year was something I was NOT a part of....they went to a college football game. I married H in college and we went to 2 games in all, b/c we were too poor back then...while H was cheering his new favorite team, I was driving one of the kids to one of their activities, or cooking dinner or doing laundry and a thousand other things H believes are done magically...

We had a fight tonight and I did SOME backsliding. What I wanted was reassurances from him and an acknowlegement that I have been dumped on as a mother/wife and my needs are not being met by a long shot. Seems obvious to me. Sorry to say, but I feel "entitled" to some reassurance that this [censored] won't happen again. No more hiding things from me for God's sake why is this hard for him??? He was big time angry and out of line. I think he was actually pretty out of line all things considered. Yelling at me for one thing....I said, "wow, I SURE feel like moving up there NOW b/c you are so improved!" Not a great answer, but hey, I'm human.

He basically thinks I'm trying to screw him financially by "stringing him along" which makes NO sense from a legal standpoint, but I don't want to go into that. Just trust me, it makes no financial sense for me to stay married to him IF my goal is to leave him soon anyhow. I'm still married to him b/c I want the M to work, not b/c it benefits me and btw, it does NOT benefit me legally or financially to stay M if my goal is eventual divorce. I am sure of this. SO, maybe I'm looking for an excuse to not go....hmmm...maybe. Or maybe I just want real reassurance from him (more than 2 comments/apologies, please) that he "gets" how much he hurt our M, me and the kids AND that this won't happen again....WTH is wrong with me wanting that??? My DB coach said, and I'm quoting as best I can, "You (LBSer) are entitled to some evidence of change on his part". Well H says when we are all together up there I will see how great he treats me/us.

But just one month ago he got "a gift" of 24k from his mom and bought some medical equipment as an investment. Not a bad idea probably. But I was shut out again and H does NOT get why that bothers me!! I am Straining to see evidence of change in him but I only hear words. Good loving words, yes. But no acts, no behavioral changes, and I just have fears. The first time he mistreated me often, was when we moved there in the first place....sometimes I think I'm a fool to be in this position. I should have cut my losses a year ago, or when he left for Alaska. Other times, I see my d9 look at him and talk of him, asking him science questions and talking about pets (H was a veterinarian before becoming a physician, and YES - I did get to be his wife for ALL those years of schooling and no money....been there, done that and still he says I have not been supportive of him!!) But d9 loves him and wants to have 2 parents together. She is a tomboy and they have things in common. I watched her watch him doing some archery. She got her own bow and arrow and stood exactly like he did, perfect posture, and hitting a few bullseyes. She was so proud when he praised her, just beaming....so beautiful to see and so bittersweet too. Bitter, but still sweet. D9 Says she thinks she's willing to live there for 2 years and if WE both don't want to stay after that, then we can leave. Sometimes H agrees, says so. But he sounds vague. Like if there isn't enough money there, THEN he'd be willing to leave....I don't know for sure on that, I am mind reading a bit. But I feel it. And of course, that leaves d17 in her new college without a home base that's familiar....OH BTW, I do realize SOME of my angst and pain is b/c D17 is leaving for college and I will miss her deeply. Weird to say this, but she is my best friend and I am hers. I am still her parent, don't get me wrong. But we are so close. I can cry just thinking of that. I miss our son a lot. He's at NYU in New York and you can't get much farther than that. In less than 3 years, both males have left and now d17 will go and a family of 5 will be a family of 2 if I don't move there. ALSO NOTE: I did see job listings NOT in Alaska when I visited H....if the heroes screw him in any way with the partnership, I do think he'd bolt and if it's a good place, I'd join him...maybe that's what I should pray for....(sigh)

I guess "being supportive" to my H means, all of us moving to Alaska, doing whatever he wants/decides to do, EARNING MONEY, following him, etc. Wow, that sure sounds like a partnership. And in return, H will..................work at his job, which he loves.........and EARN MONEY.....which he also loves. DO I love H? I believe I do. He needs love and I heard fear and hurt in his voice. I did call him later, calmer, and said something about how I could not grasp how he doesn't feel loved by me when I have NOT divorced him, despite his lying and leaving, and that I am trying to forgive him. Earlier he called me a liar for saying I'm forgiving...gee, nothing hypocritical there....And I have visited him there 3 times, and I interviewed for a job there last week. And my career is defending doctors/nurses/hospitals--so yes, I think I have been supportive to him. (But no full time work for me since 3rd child, and 4 moves in 9 years.) Other than earning money, I don't see where he thinks HE is being supportive to me. Says he wants me to write (which I do want also) and why can't I do it there? (Also says he loves my theater work and I can do it there---you know, b/c Alaska has so much more acting there, than LOS ANGELES...) Some of his comments are selfish and others are also self serving, but then, he has some valid points...one thing that maybe God would want, is that I am politically active. It would be easier to make a difference there, than here. Fewer people, huge resources, and generally less educated population, (though damn hardy!)

bottom line--NO I don't want to move there. But sometimes we do things we don't want to do in life. And it would not be the same as before, since it's much nicer near Anchorage than the interior of Alaska is, not as cold, (although dang cold compared to normal places and where I am now is beautiful with perfect weather) and much much prettier scenery. Also, Anchorage has about 350,000 people and that's the only real city in the state. Next biggest "city" has 45k people.

IF I KNEW what God wanted me to do, I'd just pray for the strength to do it. But I don't know and believe me, I am listening...How do we KNOW HIS Will/HIS Answer? How can we tell when it is His voice and not our own rationalization talking?

I appreciate your prayers all. Thanks for letting me vent.
j-

[dadinpain]

Hi J,
I have seen some of your posts on other threads (including my own) while trying to locate your own thread. You are a very supportive person with lots of empathy for others - comes across very clearly in the time you take trying to help others on this BB. Forgiving can be hard (I've struggled with it - perhaps I call that my anger). A great book that I have found very useful is "The Anger Trap - Free yourself from the frustrations that sabotage your life" by Les Carter. It has certainly taught me how to come to peace with myself when I feel that things are just plain darned unfair. Have to run to work, but will post more later, and thanks for the detailed posts. You will figure out what works - we all tend to get very analytical at some time, that I think is part of the process.. Good luck..