last nite my H and I had a minor disagreement and he got a little angry with me and I said " well that is not very nice." and you would have thought I told him I robbed a bank.
Well this morning he was fine and I think I need to realize he is going to get Mad and that does not mean he is going to be a WAH again. Got to work on that one. I am a little apprehensive to be perfectly honest that when he comes home that I will lock up some and not be me in his presence. He loses out cause I do tend to hold back some when he is around. I feel like I can not let my hair down and I always have to be a :LADY. Lately just thru the phone I have been just me. I have been transparent and let him see more of me. I laugh more, smile more and just enjoy myself more with him on the phone. I let the real me shine thru. When he gets down I make him smile. For a long time I would not do that I would stay real quiet and just let him be. I felt like there was simply nothing I could do to make him feel better . Like I was UNIMPORTANT!!!!!
And now that I am stronger I help him shine.
He has been waiting for years for me to come back. I sometimes cry a few bittersweet tears when I realize it took me so long to feel this way. I used to surrender to my fear and let it rule the way I lived and now I have faced many of my fears and I have survived and come out stronger and a better person. ( A work in progress)
~`I also hope to help my children grow into healthy adults who do not hide behind their fears but go thru them and face them as best they can and get the most out of their lives. I have so may blessings and I have had them here right in front of me for sooo long.
I used to wonder why God made me so fertile when I was suffering ( M problems , depression , etc. ,etc. ,) and I had 5 children to be strong for. Now I know why...... God sent me these little ANGELS!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~to help me grow~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They make you smile when all you want to do is cry.( And oh sure they make you cry when you were smiling too.. ) ~but they are JUST so precious. And it all seems to make sense now. And I think I scrubbed my face too hard cause my tears are burning my cheeks.... OUCH!
I feel very blessed and I am feeling like my H will be keeping me first and keeping himself in the right place too. I am not sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared anymore and I know it is b/c he loves me and also b/c I love me enough now, to know that I am a beautiful, worthwhile Human Being and life is too short . Too short to keep being shackled to my fear, my worries and my pain. It is ok to be Happy~ ~it really is.
Thank you God for all your blessings and for blessing me with a love like this and even though I have fallen flat on my face many times .... this VERY DARK chapter. I hope never to have to revisit. God bless...
