My H has been back for about a week now. I have been doing alot of DBusting. I wish I did not feel like I have to be perfect or he will go astray again. I feel somewhat insecure. Everything seemed to be going fine until he layed on me the one night we were out that the OW was his good friend and he needs to have some communication with her because they are so "tight" and she has just found out she has cancer. (I thought we both agreed before he came home he was to completely cut the strings with her). He is changing the rules.
I do see what they call "baby steps". He does seem to be trying too, for instance today he called me and asked me to come up at his hang-out, but I politely told him no because I was doing so many things at home and I had just been out with him yesterday. He told me I need to relax. (Who will do the housework? ) --Anyways, he asked me again and again I said no, but thanks for asking and told him to have a good time. FIRST TIME EVER... he came home about 20 minutes later. I could not believe it! I made sure I told him how nice that was and complimented him. He said he felt bad for me and decided to come home. (I actually wanted to spend some time alone - FIRST TIME for me actually glad I had some alone time). But this is a good step I think. Wonder how long it will last?
I have a problem with my parents, though, or at least I think it is a problem... they just found out H is back and they are not happy about it. My daughter told me today that they told her I was sick for taking H back and I should get some help for myself. I do not know how to handle them. I half kept him away because of the pressure they were putting on me to do it... they were happy and I was miserable. I know my H can be the worst as**ole in the world and he did some mean and nasty things, but I still love him and my family and will try to save it even if against there wishes. I cannot live to make them happy. They think I am hurting my children by letting him home, but my little one is ecstatic and I needed help with my older son, he was getting into all kinds of trouble since H left and now my H is helping him and I think my son is doing better. My daughter hates him, although she is being fed all kinds of things by the rest of the family and not to be mean, but she is so gullible she will listen to anybody. And I am much happier, too.
It is going to take time to heal and deal with this, but I think all the hard work and pain and hurt and time (if this works out) will be worth the effort. If it doesn't at least I know I tried. Even though it is the 3rd time I'm trying. I am a probably over forgiving person. Maybe a little gullible myself. I still feel like I am walking on eggshells and I am still dealing with the OW (she calls him twice a day - but at least he is being honest about it now and I hope he will ease away from her in time). I do not trust and am paranoid and have anxiety, but I feel my depression is disappating.
I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hope I can get through this.
Before my cousin took back her cheating debt ridden H her mom told her she'd never speak to her again if she got back together with him. She did it anyways and years later there is my aunt, staying at my cousin's house and all is well.
That's the main reason I told no one when my H left, I know they'd just make things worse and tell me stuff that wouldnt' help.
You have to be very firm and brave, and just come out and tell them that this is your choice, that you are happy and that this is what you want, that you dont' appreciate anyone bad mouthing your H. They might feel insulted, but you aren't 15 anymore and this is your family and it is YOUR life, too bad if they dont' like it, seems they have a strong hold on you.
My father used to be like that with me, still talked me and treated me as if I lived w/him and as if I was 10. He'd get so mad when I contradicted him or I did things that didn't agree with him (I was already married w/1child) Eventually he got it, that I was going to do it my way regardless of what he thought.
It is just horrible that members of your family are saying negative things to your daughter, I don't know old is she but whoever is saying these things shouldn't be around your daughter if this is how they will behave. Can your d see a C perhaps? it's sad she feel this way about her father.
I won't say anything else about the ow and your H, I already said my peace in that regard, though I truly hope that he comes around your way and that all goes well.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
H has been home almost 2 weeks. So far, ok. Yesterday there was some "drama" from him. He thought I was talking and telling someone about our sitch, and he got angry and on the drama drama drama. I diffused it pretty well, by saying something like. I understand how you feel and I wouldn't do that to you. He seemed better after that.
Today though, I'm pretty sure he was with OW and still is. I called him this morning to wish him a good day because yesterday he had some trouble at work and to let me know how he was doing. He never called, so I called him and it sounded like he was at a bar and I was asking him about his day and he was rather short with his answers and in too good of a mood and said he was at someplace by himself. (dead giveaway - he has used this one on me many times).
It took everything I had to not go check, but I didn't. It is killing me though to know (well I have a strong instinct) that he is out with her when before he came home he knew he was to have no contact with her ,then he went to talking and now I think he is out with her.
I don't know really how to handle this situation, I do not want to make a big seen or look like I am pursuing or checking up on, should I just let it go. Should I call OW and tell her to back off. I hate this feeling. Sometimes I would just like him to know how it feels!! makes me mad. I feel like he is making a fool out of me again and a mockery out of our marriage. Aggghhhh. See here I go again, I said I was not going to let it bother me, but it does. Maybe I have been to nice and he feels safe enough to pull this again, but that's not how it goes in the DBusting book. Well, at least I am proud of myself this time for not snooping, i guess.
My H used to sneak off to call the OW... I know how you feel. ~the feeling like a fool,, one of my old threads was titled Fool in love actually. Cissy only you can know how far you will let him go with this and what your limits are. I too love my H with a great passion and feel like he is a part if me.
~ but I also needed to remember I was real and had feelings too. Cake eating for far too long is hard to deal with. I allowed it for awhile and then I just cut the rope and let go....as best as I could. We are all only human after all.
All my best to you and I will keep praying for you honey. Love, Alicia Take a deep breath and smile cause God loves you and you are worth so much more than this pain. God bless....
Gosh, if I were in that sitch I'd probably go to the bar, join my husband (and OW!!!), walk up to him and give him a looooong drawn out hug and kiss in front of her and show her who's got the winning ticket! Hee hee!!!!
By the way, my family members aren't too pleased I'm back with my husband either. My mom thinks I'm crazy, and I'm too afraid to even tell my dad. He thinks I'm still getting a divorce!!!! Regardless of what other people think, you really do need to do what's best for your children and your self. That's the bottom line.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Went out with H on Friday, of course conversation was about her and how great she was.
He told me something about work that someone was saying to her and prying her for info. - Well that was it for me!!! I asked him.. do you believe everything she says? Do you know this for a fact? I told him this guy has never been this unprofessional with me and asked him if he had been to him, no!!! I said... she is always starting sh*t! Every time you leave her!! She gets right in between us! I think she is full of it and I don't think Sean said this to her and/or she is adding onto or blowing it out of proportion! She is a little girl and she is immature and she is trying to start sh*t to get you back! I said this is understandable because she is probably in Love with you!!! (gag gag gag). I then said my blood was boiling, excused myself and went to the restroom.
When I came back, I apologized for getting so angry, but I said I was tired of these games she plays. "H said you hate her", I said you are right I don't like her one bit.. she hurt my children, she hurt me and she hurt too even though you don't realize it. I said she needs to respect all of us and back off! She need to respect your choice for coming home. I told him she needs to find her own family. He said he has told her that and that he has also told her he is not the one for her.
DUH! Is he just seeing that now. I told him I want to be happy and I do not play games like that and I am tired of her getting in the middle of us. I told him it is so frustrating just when I think we are getting closer she just jabs her wedge right in between us!
(Gee, I hope I did not say too much-I could not shup my mouth up-it was pouring out of me). I told him I do care about him and his feelings, though and I understand that he has feeling for her, but he shouldn't always give in to his feelings. He said he understands. He seemed mad and defensive at first but seemed to calm down and actually said that he believed me this time, but I said a whole bunch of other things and he said at the end he said he's got it now. Yea! then quit with her already!!!!! Venting again. phew.
I said this is understandable because she is probably in Love with you!!! (gag gag gag).
You are toooooooooooooooooooooo funny.Are you "sitting down " CISSY? LOL... MY H told me one day when he was at the tail end of still talking to her.. I think YOU ( me his wife of 10 years and mother of his 3 beautiful kids!) ARE OBSESSED WITH ME.
Surely something OW may have put in his head! Or he was just really off the deep end.... ScaRy!!! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY goodness that day I had all I could do not to strangle him....
If he is really in this ,, which it does seem like he is. ..... then little by little he will see how unreasonable his R with her was and still is. She will dig herself in deep on her own.... as she is grasping at anything to get him to stick around... Sad really if you think about it. Hang in there honey it gets worse before it gets better just hold on somemore and keep smiling even though you want to GAG..
Keep working on you... you can do this. God bless...
One quick note ~ Also I think you should remember that he is probably trying.. he was out with you which many , myself included ,when seperated would rejoice about. So one for him ~but you did good by not being a doormat too. You can have a wonderful new beginning just keep reading the book and keep up the work on you. God bless...
Thanks Alimari for reminding me... I would have done anything to just be out with him when I was seperated. He is trying... I sometimes just can't see through the smoke that is coming out of my ears because I get so angry. I must re-read the book and stay focused. Whew!
It is hard for me to see, though, how she is going to dig her own hole. All she does is boost his ego and he eats it up like candy. She does it so much it's sickening. Even if it is wrong for him, he would probably "jump in the lake" if she told him to because he is soooooo great. She is fun and more fun one. (Even though I know she is a nasty "helping heart"). I am responsibility and the ball and chain to him. How do I compete with this? He thinks she can do no wrong and is in "awe" of her as one person told me. He has been thinking this way of her for two years. I can't see it ever changing. Almost impossible. He feel so strongly for her. (gag gag gag). She calls him now at least 2 times a day and on weekends. And if he doesn't pick up and she leaves a message, he will always call her back. How will this lesson... I just don't know? I know I am thinking too much of her and not on myself. That is probably my problem, huh.
But thank you again for the "reminder to stay focused on my goals". You calmed me down and helped me see further down the road.
But thank you again for the "reminder to stay focused on my goals". You calmed me down and helped me see further down the road.
I am sooooooooooooo glad to hear this. I dunno where he stands.... he still may need time and yes they eat up the BS like it is chocolate cake. Afterwhile though I would have to believe that real love and feelings feel much better than some BS thrown his way. What do you think? You keep working on you and the stronger you get the clearer your mind will be. You will be able to see even further down the road. All my best to you ,, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I do remember this : I ASKED MY H the DAY I found out @ her...WHAT IS SO ATTRACTIVE @ HER? AND HIS REPLY WAS ~
SHE MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. Pretty simple huh?
SO AFTER THAT REVELATION (AND I TRULY THOUGHT SAVING MY MARRAIGE REQUIRED A MIRACLE OF GOD BTW.. he told me he would never change his mind ) I MADE MINI GOALS OF WHAT I COULD DO TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF TOO And that for me was very hard. I had forgotten how to be that because I was so caught up in taking care of everyone but me and our Marriage. I had forgotten how important and fragile we were. Actually I thought loving him would fill him up. But I was wrong ~ soooooooooooooooooooooooooo I made goals and worked towards them and little by little when they worked I was amazed and tried harder. And like you are doing right now I am sure.. alot of time while I was doing this and he would still talk to OW .
I swallowed my pride some and became real humble and knew that Miracles did not happen overnite nor did they happen with anger and resentment involved. At the same time I had respect for myself and made sure he knew it too. All my best to you~ You are doing well~ Keep working on you~ .... and Most important of all keep faith that Miracles can Happen with alot of hard work. Get to work Cissy
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God bless...