He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

Thanks for posting, Astimegoeson.

I know that everyone is basically stuck in the middle, and it really sucks. I wonder if H realises how far reaching the impact of his leaving really is? Does he acknowledge that it's his action of leaving that set this whole impossible situation up? I hate that people have to be stuck in the middle like this. I don't even feel like I can really go out of my way to contact them if they're people who are still in regular contact with H, purely because I don't want to have to put them in the awkward position of having to be around me and having to watch what they say. Ugh, it's just all so hard!

I'll be seeing several of these people tonight at the football. People who I know H would have been in contact with this whole time, so they've probably been witness to him both bitching about me, and waxing lyrical about OW, so I have no idea how they'll react towards me. And we're gonna be at the football, so we'll be in a confined space, all but sitting right on top of each other for several hours. I just want it to be over already. I'm seriously so nervous about it that I'm feeling sick.

Part of that is also not knowing if H will be sitting with us all, of course. He always has in past years, but who knows if he will be now. Even if he's sitting somewhere else during the game, he might pop over at half time to say hello to his friends. Or he might be there talking to them before the game when I show up. How bad would that be if he's sitting there talking to them, then I go and rock up...awkward silence....H leaves.....that'd be a great start to the evening.

Right before I woke up today I was having a dream. In the dream it was the middle of the night, (the clock radio read 11:30pm) and I was in bed. All the lights in the house were turned out. Then I heard someone coming into the living room and walking around, and then H walked into the bedroom. Didn't really look at me, he looked really tired, totally burnt out, and just said, "This isn't necessarily permanent" then started getting ready for bed whilst initiating small talk, catch up type chit chat as I sat there in bed, dumbfounded that he was back. Wanting to leap up and wrap my arms around him, but trying to restrain myself because he obviously didn't want that to happen. I remember thinking, "Just hurry up and get into bed so that I can at least be close to you, even if I can't touch you." Now that I think about it, that dream was probably representative of how I'll feel if he shows up at the football tonight.