“One of the most intriguing obstacles to desire is caretaking,” says Esther Perel, a couples and family therapist in New York City, and author of Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Women today are largely the caretakers -- of the children, the husband, and the home, even if they, too, work outside the home. Why does this sabotage sex drive? Caretaking makes you think about others, while desire hinges on your being able to think about yourself and your own needs. “Desire is rooted in autonomy, freedom, and selfishness. If you can’t be selfish, you can’t have an orgasm,” Perel says.
