I'm Back

[InHisHands]

It's been a wild ride the last couple of days. Thanks for all your thoughtful words, they really do help and I hope I didn't sound argumentative . . . I'm just confused and I'm not very good at handling confusion.

Okay, first the good news . . . the biopsy is done & they set up to do five and only did one, which has to be a good sign, right? Also, the doctor said that his best guess is that it will be precancerous cells that are nearly 100% treatable. Of course, we still have to wait for the final word from the lab, but his best guess is good enough for me right now.

Then we had our first counselors appointment. I have mixed feelings about her. She seems like she has some real, solution-oriented ideas, but I guess I'll just have to see how they play out. My homework assignment is to think of a "punishment," like a penance, that will help me and him both feel like he's "done his time." I have a couple of problems with this. First, I am NOT the creative type so the only thing I can think of is to go have my own affair (probably not the best idea if the goal is to save the marriage and probably not what the counselor had in mind). Second, even though I'm sure deep down I want to see him suffer like I have, I hate to admit that and act on it consciously. Third, there is no way, no matter how creative I can get with it, that he will ever suffer like I have. There's nothing he could do that would compensate for the pain he caused. It's that simple. It was meant to help me heal but all it's really done is drive home just how severe his "crime" and how awful all the consequences are that I've paid for it and how all he's gotten is rewarded for it.

You know, Contyankee, you are probably right about picking open those wounds. I really don't think the questions or the answers serve any useful purpose whatsoever other than to demonstrate whether he is or is not the kind of man who can tell the truth no matter the consequences. That's really the only thing I could gain from it. I have to say, if the goal is to find out whether he's honest to his core, it's not looking good.

So, I'm back to the old "I don't know what I want so I sure don't know which way to go about getting it." I hate this. I used to be decisive and confident about my decisions. I used to make a decision and move mountains to make it happen. I used to make a promise and break my back to keep it. Now I'm just kind of existing. It sucks.