Journaling: Not sure where I am with H at this point. Saw him for a few minutes on friday for d12 b-day. I got out of work early due to weather and he came by to give her her gifts. He was pleasant. We talked about his new contact lenses...a man who said he would never put anything in his eye. The conversation turned when we talked about s15 going back to c with H. I told h that the next appt. may be the last. S15 is feeling too much pressure and stress and since he is getting c at school we'll have to see how this next appt. goes. H was not happy. Said s15 can't go on not speaking to H. H is looking for a miracle with this C and I don't know if he will find that miracle. He may just push s15 too much.
So he left after I told him I wasn't going to argue with him.
He next made a brief appearance on Saturday to snowblow our driveway and sidewalk. Not sure why since s15 had it mostly done friday night and just needed to do the little bit that fell over night. Besides...weather is warming and it is melting. I thanked him for doing it and he left quickly. He is avoiding s15 ...
Didn't hear from him yesterday. D12 said he called her while s15 and I were out at high school swim banquet. D12 said she thought he had to work last night but who knows.
So he went from a suicidal man, to getting contacts, to anger and who knows what is next. Is this cycling? I am so not sure how this man will ever come through this. It will be a year next month since he has been gone and 3 yrs in june since I think he started this MLC (first A with 60 yr old yoga instructer....finding his bliss). I am still letting go and hoping that he will find his way, but it is so hard. The different moods are frightening to me. This behavior so resembles his teenage rebellion. Unfortunately now the kids and I are caught in this mess.
Mopsey, The man isn't happy w/himself. Look at the contacts. He's trying to feel young again and wants to try something different to see if that will make him feel better. He's going to go through all the "teen" trends before it's over with. Yes, some of what he's doing could be considered cycling. But what I see the most is the anger/replay and some depression. He can bounce around in all of these and a little bit of withdrawal too until he finally hits the bad depression. He's stressing and it's not good for him either.
As for your son, well...your h made that mess and now he has to figure out how to fix it. No one can force your son to speak to him. This is one of the consequences of his actions and it's going to take a very long hot summer for this one to thaw completely out.
I hope your daughter enjoyed her special day. I'm also glad your "older boy" came over and worked on the driveway, even though it may not have needed it. He still feels the need to help out whenever he can. It's guilt at its finest.
You will need to learn to step back and just observe. The mood swings change on a dime and give you a penny back. They are all over the place, i.e., just like a ping pong ball. It's not you at all. It's all about him. He's totally operating on emotions and we know how rational it is to have emotions controlling everything.
Mopsey, you are doing great. I just hope that your son finds an outlet for his anger and soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Journaling: H not in contact much this week. I had 2 nights of middle of the night calls from a blocked # (h) were I say "Hello, Hello" and he just listens. Yesterday I was out grocery shopping and d12 called to see if she could go out to lunch and shopping with H. I told her no problem. He came and picked her up and I was not home. When he dropped her off he did not come in. D12 said he had to go meet mow for dinner. Who knows. This was at 5.
At 7 H calls (quick dinner). He starts asking me how s15's speach went the night before at swim banquet. I told him that s15 spoke of loyalty and committment to the team and that many parents came over and told me how great his talk was. H and I talked for a bit. I asked how his evening was and he said he went out to dinner but now is back at parent's house doing laundry. He said he needs to find a job with benefits as his will be running out. He is on my plan at work. I told him when/if we D he will be off. I don't know what to think. Is he moving on the d or is he just trying to get to me. I guess I will let it go.
Tonight is his night with d12. He takes her to batting practice and said I should come down and watch her hit. He seems to be all over the map. I try not to analize his every move but I feel like this man is so out there. He keeps saying he knows that d12 loves him but noone else does. Does he really feel that way? I don't know if he will ever crawl out of the hole he is in. I thought MOW was out of the picture but i guess not. Although, I am wondering if the bloom is off the rose.
When h and I hung up he thanked me for telling him about s15's speach and for letting him take d12 for the day. He made a comment about s15 anger towards him and how he doesn't know what to do about it. I told him I didn't either and he still insists that I can do something about it. I tell s15 that I love h and that if he got help and wanted to come home that I would support that. It doesn't change anything in s15's mind. I wish H understood that.
Mopsey, Right now, the things that your h says about his daughter being the only one to love him is just how he feels. Tomorrow, it could be something totally different. Mlcs do tend state just exactly how they feel about things and believe me, listen to what they are saying when it comes to feelings/emotions. They are very hurt and lost souls that have been severely damaged as children and now they are trying to find out the whys and what to do about it as they grow up. It's very sad in many ways.
I think your h was being very sincere about looking for a job that has benefits. In his mind, he's moving on and the divorce won't be that far away. Who knows what he'll end up doing at the end of the day, i.e. he could stop the paperwork at any time, but many don't. They need the divorce in order to move ahead in the crisis and finish it up.
I'm glad to see he's spending time w/your daughter and I'm also glad to see that he asked about his son. He knows that he's made a mess of things w/him. He's still looking to you (mom) to fix things. Unfortunately, you can't. Those two stubborn "boys" will have to work this one out all on their own.
Yes, your h is still bouncing off the walls just like a ping pong ball. His emotions are all over the place. He's not settled down one bit and it's probably going to take a while before that happens.
Mopsey, you are doing great. Try not to allow him to get to you. I know that it's easier said than done, but allow his behavior go out the window and try not to over analyze his every word or behavior. He really is doing everything based on emotions and that's not the work of a "sane" person.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just wanted to let you know that my H also blames me for his R with our S and thinks he and D have as good a R as they ever did. Our H's just don't see how thiings really are. Both our S and D are extremely disgusted with H and it has nothing to do with me. The kids all witness more than I think our H's realize. It's like they think their actions are invisible to our kids.
You sound like you are doing very well. You're being there for your kids and that's what they really need right now, a stable parent.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Thanks Snodderly and Sun, Not sure what H will do regarding the D. Some days I think he will go through with it some days I think he is waiting for me to do it for him. I am not sure at all. I don't see him coming through this crisis anytime soon. He filed in july and still nothing has been completed. No custody arrangement, no financial agreement, nothing. I hope he is dragging his feet but who knows. He said last night he needs to stand on his own 2 feet for the first time in his life. I don't know if that is all talk or what. It scares me. The calls in the middle of the night, the way he physically looks and some of the things he says are just strange. He said last night he that his always relying on others to do things for him got him into the mess he's in. I don't know. I just don't see him coming back anytime soon. Standing is getting harder and harder especially since there seems to be know signs of this situation turning anytime soon. Mopsey
Snodderly, One more thing I forgot to mention (not that I am analizing everything...but) I was telling H about the banquet and what a good time we had, how busy I am at work and how I was looking forward to spring and getting out and doing things. He commented that it sounded like things were going well for me. That he thinks I have a line of men waiting for me. I don't know how to respond to these things. Does he want me to say yes so that it is easier for him to be away or is he looking for me to acknowledge that I am still standing? Not sure.
Also, d12 has been having problems with her former best friend. Ever since d12 has joined an elite softball team and friend wasn't asked to...friend has dropped her. The parent's who were friends of mine/ours do not call. The girls have had words and were pulled into guidance a few weeks ago. D12 is no angel but she understood she was wrong and former friend said that, while she doesn't want to hang with d12, she won't be mean anymore. Fast forward to last week and d12 came home crying. Former friend was telling all of d12's friends not to sit with her, not to be her friend, she smelled...etc. I emailed parents since I was too emotional to call. Just stating that d12 is going through a hard time and if they could ask their daughter just not to alienate d12's other friends from her. The parents were cruel. Said d12 can find new friends and she only has herself to blame. I couldn't believe it. No compassion whatsoever. She said she was sorry we are going through this but she does not want to discuss the girls ever again. My problem now is that d12 doesn't want me to tell H about this. She is adament. Says she won't tell me anything if I tell him. I know if I tell him he will go to d12 and discuss it no matter what i say.....Do I tell?
Mopsey, I think the girls need to work this situation out on their own. You and the other girl's parents are only hearing one side of the story, your own child's. If I were you, I'd let it go and allow your daughter to figure this one out. Your h will do nothing but stir the pot up and make life more difficult for your d. It could very well plant in his mind that maybe it would be better if d lived w/him and I don't think you want that idea to grow in his mind.
Given his state of mind, he doesn't know which end is up. Yes, he sees that life is moving on for you and that you are able to move along fairly nicely. He's not wrapped and if he thinks you have men lined up to date you, then it's telling that he thinks that he should have the women after him as well. He's in a fantasy world and is hoping that he should be so lucky. They all think that they are hot stuffs and that women will flock to them. It doesn't always happen that way. They are magnets for the women who see an easy mark. Trust me, he really doesn't want to see you w/anyone else. It's all talk. Smile and say, "H, in the eyes of God, I'm still married and I will honor my vows for a very long time". That should sum it up nicely for him.
I'm very sorry to hear about the situation w/your d and her friend, but they'll work it out. Right now, the other girl sounds like she is jealous of what your d has accomplished. There's resentment there and the only way to stop it is to not acknowledge it. Let the dust settle and your d will figure out a way to resolve it. Your d needs to know that she has a safe place to land when she comes to talk to you. She needs that right now. When she's ready, she'll tell her father.
I hope this helps a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H had d12 on monday. She asked me to come watch her at softball practice. I think H must have put this bug in her head because when we talked on the phone sunday night he kept saying I should come down and watch. Whatever. I got there early to talk to the coach. When d12 and H arrived....he looked terrible. Hadn't had a haircut in months, gained weight and looked exhausted. Circles under the eyes and all.
Anyway, H stood back while I spoke to the coach, then everywhere I went he was there to follow. Chatting. Then I sat down for a few minutes and He sits next to me. So close that any closer he would have been on my lap. At one point my phone rang and I let it go to vm. He asked who it was and I told him it was a friend from work that I had lent my id to so that he could get in the bldg early (he left his at work over the weekend). So, we had a pleasant time. H talked about work. He said he has a busy schedule over the next few months (so much for looking for a new job). When practice was over we left together. D12 and I chatted as she crossed the street with h and H made sure when we were done chatting that he said goodbye to me. They followed me for a bit beeping and waiving and then turned onto MIL's street. I was on the phone with s15 and waived at them...not realizing I had phone in hand.
Anyway, since then the blocked calls on cell phone in the middle of the night have increased. D12 told me last night that H kept asking her if I had a boyfriend and said he was jealous. H kept telling her that it was probably my boyfriend who I was on the phone with in the car (yeah s15). d12 said she told h that I don't have a boyfriend and he said I don't tell her everything. So silly. I told d12 that since I am with her and s15 all the time......my boyfriend must be invisible. She laughed. Poor H. I don't think about he and MOW too much anymore, but I do wonder what the state of their R is . I can't imagine it is too good.
So, he is still in a whole that he fell into with no signs of emerging or figuring out things. He and s15 go to C on monday (i haven't told s15 yet). Should be interesting.
