I have been offline a few days and am just catching up now.
I am so sorry. What a putz!!!
Take care of yourself and visualize where and who you will be in the future with that new man that will know how to be present in a relationship and want to risk and put his heart/energy into it.
DO NOT doubt yourself. I know it is so hard not to, but really this has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with his fears and general lack... he is a shell of a man right now and you cant help him with that.
huge hug!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Thank you all. I'm sorry, but I will not be able to respond to all individually, but you all mean a lot to me and I value your input.
Was2, you said you weren't sure what I wanted. I don't know either. I guess I'm looking for validation that it's okay to stand down. I know that the prevailing wisdom is not to do the legwork for the LS/D, but my H is very happy living the single life while still M to me and racking up goodness knows how much in debt. I do not want to be paying for little trips with ow, thanks. Since he doesn't intend to remarry (at the moment), he has no reason to file.
I, OTOH, really don't want to be married anymore.
Was2, you hit the nail on the head when you said that we fear the D. Yes, I do. I am terrified--terrified that I will end up a bag lady, living in the street. That my kids will suffer irreperable damage. That no one will ever want me again. That I am damaged goods. Logically, I know this doesn't make sense, but it is how I feel. I will have less money, but I will have my self-respect and sanity.
I have been thinking long and hard about my sitch. I think, honestly, that my H has some very, very serious problems. This goes way beyond MLC. From what I gather, he loves me, but not romantically, and stopped loving me romantically many years ago. He tried to force himself to, but it didn't work.
However, instead of actually doing something about it, he [me here] treated me with disdain, disgust and disrespect. And now he wonders why I have low self-esteem, why I feel at times like I'll never meet anyone to love me.
He was not a good partner to me. I spent far too many years crying over him. I wish he could have loved me the way I loved him, but he couldn't. That hurts b/c maybe it WAS me. I mean, I've met great guys that I feel nothing for. Anyway, I do want and deserve to be with someone who does love me.
I do not think that this new R will last. However, it could last a year or two, till she wants to get married and the sparks wear off. Or maybe she's his "soulmate" and they'll live happily ever after. I hope not, though!!!
I know that I could continue to Stand, to wait and see, b/c I'm SURE that he will not proceed with the D. But this is not the man I want to be married to. In fact, I don't love him romantically either, and haven't for a long time. I don't even know if I love him at all. Really, only as a child of God. The only reason I would want to try again is for our children.
You know, this whole ow thing hurts so much this time b/c I really fear that it was all about me after all. How could he tell me three months ago that he's "messed up inside, there's something really wrong with me, I'm not made to be in a committed R, I WISH I could change..." and now "I don't know what happened. Things changed." Yes, he met her. That's what changed. Man, that hurts. Things were really going well btw us,and then he had to meet her. F*CK that pisses me off.
Anyway, I'm up and down today. I've cried a lot, yet again, but I did make it to work and got through my classes, even forgot about it while I was teaching.
Oh, Always, your advice could only come from someone way further south than me--sit out in the sun??? It's warm today, but by that I mean just above freezing, lol.
My friends, I am not able to be there for any of you right now, but please keep posting to me. It is keeping me sane.
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You know, it's NOT you. He's not suddenly satisfied in his new R, no matter how much he tells you. And I suspect that what he told you about being messed up inside is true. Just that you see through it and this new woman does not. And when she does, he feels crap about himself again, he will run to someone else for the next showing of "Mr. Messed Up."
Is there something wrong with us for loving them? Hmmm, I don't know. I still try to sort that out. I too met many great men, think I'm a great catch, but it never stuck and I was always in love with H. So, something wrong with ME?? Maybe in that dept....
But, you said a lot of things in this post that I think are telling and are way ahead of some of us still "standing"....that you are no longer in love with H, and he was treating you poorly for a long time and it affected you badly. This is big. This should be the ground you stand on for your decision. And, your kids will respect that.
You are not bad for feeling these things. You are being true to yourself, you are wanting to find happiness and wholeness again. That is not wrong. You are going about this with much thought to the possible negative impact, and not destroying everyone in the path. So, you are being normal.
We love you. We support you. We want you, your H and your kids to be happy....even if that means not all together.
I do not want to be paying for little trips with ow, thanks.
Right you are!
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I have been thinking long and hard about my sitch. I think, honestly, that my H has some very, very serious problems.
Right again!
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However, instead of actually doing something about it, he [me here] treated me with disdain, disgust and disrespect. And now he wonders why I have low self-esteem, why I feel at times like I'll never meet anyone to love me.
I'm not sure you can blame HIM for that Nic. Maybe you allowed him to treat you that way when you should not have. Maybe that's a weakness to be aware of, you allow others to treat you badly. We all have that weakness though, especially when trying to keep our families together.
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You know, this whole ow thing hurts so much this time b/c I really fear that it was all about me after all.
Be realistic when you look at yourself. Accept responsibility for YOUR shortcomings, but also realize that OTHER people can be much weaker that you.
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Things were really going well btw us,and then he had to meet her. F*CK that pisses me off.
I hear ya. That makes me angry too. But if it was'nt this OW, it would have been another. He's just not the man you thought he might be. End of story. That's not to say that he still might change, but believe it when you see it.
You are an awesome lady, please don't beat yourself up anymore. Let go, realize just what a beauty you are, and accept life as it comes. It's all going to be alright.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I am in tears after reading your post. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It means so much to me to hear from you and others that I am not a bad person or a coward for not wanting to go on with this.
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What I will have to deal with in the near future is a LS. Here is my dilemma:
H has agreed to my taking the kids to Disney World this summer. It will be an expensive trip--probably around $4,000. When I asked him about it (right after he told me about ow and was feeling guilty), he said fine and then he would do inexpensive things with them. Now, what that means is that he expects that we will still have a joint account at that time.
I also am still waiting for new windows to be put in (around $1,200) and want to put in a fan vent in the bathroom. I don't know if I should go ahead with the LS while all these things are still in flux. I would like to get all the financial stuff tidied away, but at the same time, I really don't want to wait anymore and wonder how much of MY $ he's spending on ow.
Does anyone have any ideas/opinions on this? My mother's is to just wait till everything's done, but I really don't know if I want to do that, esp with his $500 phone bills.
Here is an email I've drafted. I'd like some input on it:
H,
I have a few things that I wanted to get down on paper. I know that you will be better able to think about this after Monday, but I will just plant the seed in your mind.
I would like to come up with a Separation Agreement soon, esp regarding financial issues. I am willing to try mediation in order to save money.
In the meantime, I think we should both be careful of what debt we incur, particularly as I will be responsible for part of it, and as you know, I earn far less money than you do.
I would appreciate it if you would use your spending money ($100 wk) to pay for things with and for your girlfriend, as I do not think it is fair for me to be subsidizing your relationship.
Also, I don’t know if you realize this, but the bonuses that you received last summer and at Christmas are half mine, legally. Since you removed them in their entirety from the joint account, you actually owe me that money. That is what I intend to use to pay for the Disney trip this summer.
Finally, for some reason, when I accessed my wireless bill a few weeks ago, I got yours. As you knows, it was $500! I didn't check what you spent it on, but I'm guessing you've been doing a lot of texting to your girlfriend. Again, I don't think I should be paying for that. It is disrespectful.
[This section should probably not be here right now. I want to say it, but I have a lot more to say and I'm not sure this is the right time.]
H, I have tried really hard to be respectful of you and cordial towards you throughout the vast majority of this. And yet, you continue to act in a cowardly and disrespectful manner. I know that you've been seeing this woman for a few months, not a few weeks. D10 told me in Nov that she'd met her. Yet you continue to lie.
I promised to wait for the filing until your case was done out of respect and caring for YOU, and yet you do not have the guts or respect to wait before dating or, at least, tell me.
I do hope that you will find it in yourself to look at the way you've treated me for the last several YEARS, and think about whether or not you have really resolved your personal issues. I would also like to hear an apology from you for the cruelty with which you treated me. Before you ask me one more time why I have low self-esteem, at least do that.
N
TIA for any advice, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thanks for your thoughts. I agree that it's not all his fault about treating me badly, and it is something I've worked on. Now I do not allow anyone (incl him) to treat me inappropriately.
I think the key in what you wrote is that he's not the man I THOUGHT he might be. He is who he is, not who I want him to be.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
In the meantime, I think we should both be careful of what debt we incur, particularly as I will be responsible for part of it, and as you know, I earn far less money than you do.
I would appreciate it if you would use your spending money ($100 wk) to pay for things with and for your girlfriend, as I do not think it is fair for me to be subsidizing your relationship.
I think you could leave this out. It's an obvious attempt to control how he lives his life. Might make you feel better but it'll have NO impact on him other than to reinforce that he's made the right choices. However,
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Also, I don’t know if you realize this, but the bonuses that you received last summer and at Christmas are half mine, legally. Since you removed them in their entirety from the joint account, you actually owe me that money. That is what I intend to use to pay for the Disney trip this summer.
It's definately fair of you to ask for half the bonus money. But you don't have to tell him what your going to spend the money on. That's none of his business, and you'll not ask him what he's spending his money on.
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Finally, for some reason, when I accessed my wireless bill a few weeks ago, I got yours. As you knows, it was $500! I didn't check what you spent it on, but I'm guessing you've been doing a lot of texting to your girlfriend. Again, I don't think I should be paying for that. It is disrespectful.
Scratch that Nic. Don't even go there. It's water under the bridge. Just take a stick and beat him with it instead.
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, I have tried really hard to be respectful of you and cordial towards you throughout the vast majority of this. And yet, you continue to act in a cowardly and disrespectful manner. I know that you've been seeing this woman for a few months, not a few weeks. D10 told me in Nov that she'd met her. Yet you continue to lie.
I promised to wait for the filing until your case was done out of respect and caring for YOU, and yet you do not have the guts or respect to wait before dating or, at least, tell me.
I do hope that you will find it in yourself to look at the way you've treated me for the last several YEARS, and think about whether or not you have really resolved your personal issues. I would also like to hear an apology from you for the cruelty with which you treated me. Before you ask me one more time why I have low self-esteem, at least do that.
Sorry Nic, but someday you'll regret sending that part. He's out of your life now and he'll go treating some OW like crap, not YOU anymore. Just let it go.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
If you're feeling ready, and really fear for your $ (and why should you not), then perhaps a legal separation of finances is in order.
Or, you could separate out your finances now. That is something he does not need to know about.
Can you survive on just your $? If not, work out an agreement with H for the separation so he could start pitching into finances without you both having a joint account.
I did that with my H. When I moved out, I started my own account. But i also started drawing out of H's account the $ I put in before I left and he was spending on OWomen. H agreed at the time, but now forgets.
Just get the vent and windows now. Maybe before your email out to him. While he's in the mood to be nice bc of recent news. That can't take too long, can it? Or purchase the windows and have $ set aside for installement when the weather gets better.
I know this sounds sneaky, and I felt that way too, but it's not. It's wise and safe. And, right now, placing our future finances, emotional health or anything in the hands of a crazy person (however temporary) is not good. It's not safe. You would advise another to do the same.
This is still your choice. There are others here on the boards MUCH more experienced and ahead, and you should take their advice.
And, yes, we love and support you. We are behind you every step of the way. 100%. We won't blink an eye or tell you different. We know what you went through, and still do.
And, most of all, I have immense respect for you that you respect yourself, that you know yourself well enough to know boundaries and you keep yourself healthy for your children and for the life you have yet to live.
If you are asking permission here to D your H, you won't get it ... because you don't need it. You control your life. Others can not be the swaying vote. Besides, you must have heard our voting system is plaqued with hanging chads
Look, you know your own heart. You face your own fears. If you are feeling that you are nearing the end of your journey in all this, you have our unwavering support to be true to yourself.
If your concerns are largely financial, but you don't feel you must D ... can you get LS for protection? I may have missed in other posts what you know about that. It may not be an option to you. You may already feel it is not the answer and you are leaning to filing.
If so, you will not have come to that point in a rush, or anger of the moment. You have given this "your all". Sometimes people decide they have to "save some" for themselves; and maybe even for someone deserving of "the rest".
If you are not rewriting history, and you see that you were not happy in your M, with your H, you may be answering your own questions .... that you didn't know you were asking.
Talking to an IC and a church leader may be things you owe yourself still. If you file, and continue to counsel up until the last minute it may keep your compass true so there is no looking back in regret one day ... at least for you.
