Quote: It's a normal process to long for that relationship we lost. It is not normal to get a D and remarry that person.
Allan, I disagree completely w/ the notion that folks that remarry each other post-D are abnormal somehow. The whole premise of DBing is to initiate personal growth and movement toward goals that might lead to reconciliation.
Note that I used the term reconciliation. Does a cheap piece of paper that is routinely processed by a sleepy clerk and bored judge in a dusty courtroom somehow negate this potential for reconciliation once the D-papers are rubber-stamped? Do the two individuals change dramatically, their R becoming suddenly irreconciliable cause the papers are inked?
No way, no how. Its the same game, just with another slight twist to it - remarriage.
The stats are 1 in 5 for re-marriages, so it's "normal" enough, just not typical of the majority, IMO. Even then, those stats are lacking. They only take into account actual divorces and remarriages on record, as there's no way to peg those that never get divorced and reconcile, those that get divorced and reconcile but do not remarry, and those that weren't married in the first place though were in a committed relationship.
It's also not usual that most people in our LBS circumstances decide that the relationship is worth our DBing and instead resort to their instincts and engage in anger and resentment and stay there through a terrible fight of a divorce and remain antagonistic to their former lovers, thereby never seeking a path to reconciliation. So I've often thought that the 20% that do remarry, and those uncounted that do reconcile, come from that group of people like us.
Interesting convo, seems correct, and is encouraging, however the problem in this situation is giving up a marriage in order to return to your XH. That is a different kettle of fish.
Let me ask it this way....if while you were married, your ex-girlfriend, that you still like, came around asking you to have a relationship would you do it? That's essentially the question of the day that ML started. Do you leave your current spouse for your ex-spouse?
ML, if you didn't have a child with your first husband this would be a no brainer. It complicates things because if I was that husband I would want to try to be a family again. Anyway, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I still say be very cautious, get help, and be very convinced before you give up a good thing for something that may or may not materialize.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I am still exploring my options - but I will have to say that I disagree with Allan this time. I don't think it is abnormal to re-marry the same person. Especially when you consider that the couple was very young and made quick decisions, and now have had time apart to grow up. My XH HAS in fact been in another relationship, and his feelings for me did not deminish, they only intensified. We have both been with other people and we both end up back at each other.
Haven't heard from you in awhile. Just curious what has happened and if the counseling session was helpful.
I re-read what you wrote about XH and current H and put myself in your shoes. If I found someone else at this junction, still having feelings for my XW, and things progressed (maybe not to married, but serious), but I continued to be friends with XW and she finally told me she loved me what would I do? That's a hard question. I hope you returned to tell us how you answered it. I, for one, despite my admonishments, won't criticize either way because honestly I can't completely understand it and because I'm afraid I would go back to X. But I don't have a reference point because I'm not currently involved with someone else and still hung up on my X.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hello - I am still hanging in there. I have my first counseling appt. today. (she cancelled last week) I am still holding up the homefront and going thru the motions with my current H. But thinking about my XH constantly. I told him how I was feeling. Actually, he read my mind. I can't hind - he knows me too well. He said to take my time and it would work out. He said to be true to myself. He also said that "actions are louder than words" - meaning that if I wanted to be with him, then I should do it and stop agonizing over it. I will let you know how my session goes today.
hello there, i'm new to this page. I saw this topic and I was wondering if I could get some input. I see that 1 out of 5 divorces end up in reconciliation. Well, My husband filed for a divorce because we had a big fight. He is also very controlled or "close" to his mother which she hates me. This divorce is still going through along with this we have a 5 month old baby. I miss him really bad and I love my husband, but it seems he doesn't even want to talk to me. when we go to the hearings at court, i catch him looking at me but then he quickly looks away. I know deep down in his heart he still loves me....It's just that i'm starting to doubt now because of the way things are going. I was wondering if you think it's possible in the future that we could be happy again with eachother. He is my first love since high school. I don't think I could love anyone else, I'm still in love with him.
kITANA, Kind of weird to say welcome here, but welcome and sorry to see you in this situation. There is ALWAYS hope! I think you need to put your sitch(situation) in the NEWCOMERS place where more people frequent and the "sages" pop in from time to time. I am not one of them but do care...
You will also want to put more of a history so we all can try to help with your situation..
Always believe and even in the 11th hour miracles happen..peace
