Interesting premise. No, my wife and I had no significant issues during our first 3-4 years of being together, other than the birth of our now-DD19 about 3-1/2 years into the relationship (2-1/2 years into the marriage).
Is it your theory that those R/M with little to no significant issues at the beginning are more likely to succeed?
I'm guessing here, Lust, cuz NOP hasn't revealed his hand yet, but I'm thinking his theory may be just the OPPOSITE. That the lack of any need to work thru difficulty together as a couple, early on, led to poor coping mechanisms later, when the SL issues reared their heads?
Just an early guess. But I do think it's true in my case. No deaths in the family (still, no one closer than uncles/aunts and a sister-in-law), no significant health issues, no real trauma. I think it may have led us into complacency, and an "immaturity" at dealing with problems.
I think this is an EXCELLENT question, and I suspect it will be very revealing.
I'm absolutely convinced that within the first five minutes to one hour that you meet someone, you will be exposed to everything that's really important about them, unconsciously and subliminally. You're like a sheet of photographic paper that takes an impression of EVERYTHING. Mojo, are you listening? When you come home from that first date, immediately write down EVERYTHING-- good and bad-- that struck you about the guy. Just keep the notes. In my experience, that first meeting will come back over and over again and verify the person's virtues as well as his/her flaws. (It works with same sex friendships, too, and job interviews.)
My R with my bf started off on the wrong foot, but like a shell-shocked idiot, I just ignored the red flags and plunged ahead. He was an active alcoholic, in financial trouble, house a wreck... you name it. From day one, I had to drag him to the bedroom. The girlfriend he broke up with when he met me slashed his tires. It was and has been a disaster. It has gotten better, especially now that he's firmly in AA... but---
Anyway, my R with my husband was very different. From the beginning I knew we belonged together. Sex was often-- daily-- even with his incipient ED issues. We were very close in all ways, and I never doubted that I should be in this marriage. His health issues undermined my sense of security... and his, too... and this was reflected in our R, and in my increasing panic attacks.
I don't count my first marriage, entered into when I was a mere 22 years old. I was totally unconscious, thought that everything Out There caused my internal strife. We probably could have stayed married and been fine, but I was restless and wanted out. I feel bad about the way I handled things.
The guy I was with after my first marriage... it's interesting: in the very first conversation we had (we met in a graduate Family Counseling class) he told me that he planned on moving across the country when he finished the MA. At that point I had NO interest in him-- just a fellow student. But after we got involved, lived together, etc., what finally broke us up was that he wanted to move across the country and I didn't. Duh. (Other things, too, but that was the overt cause.) However, I'm still very close to his mother-- more than to my own mother-- so I consider that an important and valuable relationship.
NOP, My H and I had a series of mini-traumas during the early part of our marriage, which foreshadowed things to come. As I have mentioned previously, both of us were in meaningful relationships right before, and we had originally gotten together as friends and were helping each other heal the wounds. My H's parents were having financial and marital problems and separated ( they ended up getting back together). My H had a big blow out with his father. H and I went to grad schools in separate states...I think we were on the path of going our separate ways but then H transferred. Then, in year 3 of dating, my mother was really getting on my case to get married and then my father joined her. I ended up putting pressure on H even though we both weren't in a mature place to get married ( still in school). We both wanted to do the right thing but underneath had mixed feelings, which only worsened in time. With all the drama prior to marriage, we had a hot sex life; it was after marriage when things settled down that the SSM issues began. During one relationship discussion H brought up that even our honeymoon was pretty much non-sexual ( this was 15 yrs after the fact).
So, the short answer to your question is yes, the beginning years were traumatic.
I'm absolutely convinced that within the first five minutes to one hour that you meet someone, you will be exposed to everything that's really important about them, unconsciously and subliminally.
I "knew" that my H wasn't the guy for me the first time I went over to his parent's house where he was living while we were dating and I saw how his mother decorated the house. It was like I knew I couldn't be compatible with a man whose mother had taste so different to mine. Unfortunately, that was also the night I got knocked up.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
C, yes, you are right about that. I felt pangs of guilt again when I read the others' replies about their honeymoons. I'm trying to focus my energy on the present/future, though, and not on regrets of the past.
All of the stuff I described in my thread was what I believe set the stage for the poor SL. Then we had a wedding and honeymoon. Then we continued the poor SL.
The heart diagnosis didn't cause the SSM, but I think in a way it sealed its fate. It thrust us into survival mode. It thrust us into a crisis that continues to impact us. I can't help but wonder how our relationship might have changed/grown/improved if you had been able to live your dream.
Mr & Mrs cac-- I love that you two are communicating so beautifully through this board. I'm sure many others, like me, are envious. (That's a 4 thing.)
"The heart diagnosis didn't cause the SSM, but I think in a way it sealed its fate. It thrust us into survival mode. It thrust us into a crisis that continues to impact us. I can't help but wonder how our relationship might have changed/grown/improved if you had been able to live your dream. "
Health issues definitely skew the dynamics of the R. It was so distressing to my H to feel his strength and his manliness slipping away. After the kidney transplant, two heart attacks, a hip replacement, a leg amputation... and of course worsening ED all along...
I didn't know him as a young man, but once I saw a short 8mm film of him in his 20's when he was a medivac (dustoff) pilot-- the one word that jumped out at me was VIRILE. The man I eventually met and married was a shadow of that. Part of that was due to health, and part of it was due to living with a Type 1 (my way or the highway) woman for almost 30 years. Those two things wore him down. I caught glimpses of the virility after I knew him, but those glimpses were few and far between. I know he was brave (Silver Star from VietNam, plus the requisite Purple Heart). He bore his illness bravely... but it was very, very hard...
In the first year of dating my xH... he was dealing with a 'Fatal Attraction,' type woman he had lived with prior to meeting me... his house burnt down, and then my mother was in a horrible car accident and in a coma for 6 weeks. We married a little over a year after we started dating.
It has always been my supposition that our mutual traumas caused us to 'survival bond,' and gave us a skewed impression of our emotional ties with one another.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------- No, my wife and I had no significant issues during our first 3-4 years of being together... --------------------------------------------------
Would your wife agree with that assessment?
How would you characterize your early relationship? Completely in love, two peas in a pod, completely accepting of each other, that kind of thing.
Thanks, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have been together with my husband for 15 years. 13 years married. I guess you can say it kind of started with a lot of drama going on. I was going through a divorce that my ex had strung on forever through the courts. My husband then my boyfriend was like a rock to me. He helped me out so much and was a great source of support. He had been married before where his ex had cheated on him and followed his every move. He was out of that relationship/marriage at least 3 years I think before metting me. In the beginning we could talk about anything. The sex was very very hot. Extremely passionate and he taught me things I never knew. (lol) We had been engaged and I got pregnant 1 month before our wedding date. He was so happy about this pregnancy. We had child number 2 a couple years later into the marriage. That is when the SSM began. It was shortly after our son was born.
