I think this is an EXCELLENT question, and I suspect it will be very revealing.
I'm absolutely convinced that within the first five minutes to one hour that you meet someone, you will be exposed to everything that's really important about them, unconsciously and subliminally. You're like a sheet of photographic paper that takes an impression of EVERYTHING. Mojo, are you listening? When you come home from that first date, immediately write down EVERYTHING-- good and bad-- that struck you about the guy. Just keep the notes. In my experience, that first meeting will come back over and over again and verify the person's virtues as well as his/her flaws. (It works with same sex friendships, too, and job interviews.)
My R with my bf started off on the wrong foot, but like a shell-shocked idiot, I just ignored the red flags and plunged ahead. He was an active alcoholic, in financial trouble, house a wreck... you name it. From day one, I had to drag him to the bedroom. The girlfriend he broke up with when he met me slashed his tires. It was and has been a disaster. It has gotten better, especially now that he's firmly in AA... but---
Anyway, my R with my husband was very different. From the beginning I knew we belonged together. Sex was often-- daily-- even with his incipient ED issues. We were very close in all ways, and I never doubted that I should be in this marriage. His health issues undermined my sense of security... and his, too... and this was reflected in our R, and in my increasing panic attacks.
I don't count my first marriage, entered into when I was a mere 22 years old. I was totally unconscious, thought that everything Out There caused my internal strife. We probably could have stayed married and been fine, but I was restless and wanted out. I feel bad about the way I handled things.
The guy I was with after my first marriage... it's interesting: in the very first conversation we had (we met in a graduate Family Counseling class) he told me that he planned on moving across the country when he finished the MA. At that point I had NO interest in him-- just a fellow student. But after we got involved, lived together, etc., what finally broke us up was that he wanted to move across the country and I didn't. Duh. (Other things, too, but that was the overt cause.) However, I'm still very close to his mother-- more than to my own mother-- so I consider that an important and valuable relationship.
