I have been cogitating over the potential for success in a marriage or other long term relationship where there has been a significant issue(s) occurring within the first 4 years of the relationship. The first four years of the relationship would begin from the onset - boyfriend/girlfriend.
The time frame is not critical just an approximation.
What I am interested in knowing is if your relationship was "normal" with little or no out-of-the-norm behaviors by either partner, or if the relationship was punctuated by some traumatic event, such as an infidelity, sexual issues, loss of a parent or sibling, abuse, etc...
Comments about multiple marriages or long term relationships that have previously failed are appreciated as well.
Thanks very much to anyone that responds.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Is it your theory that those R/M with little to no significant issues at the beginning are more likely to succeed?
As for H and myself, we dated for three years before M and have been M for almost 12 years. Total R= 15 years. Nothing is jumping out at me as being a major trauma from the beginning of the R. Our problems seemed to be of the "slow drip" variety.
1)Unplanned pregnancy- approx. 3 mos into relationship 2)Adultery and Divorce H's parents- approx. 7 mos. into relationship. 3)Sexual problems- low frequency from get-go. We maybe had sex 3x on our 10 day honeymoon but I think that would be including our wedding night.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The "sexual issues" in my relationship with W were not "traumatic" in any sense - it was a gradual decline in frequency that began very early on - after the first six months, I'd say. But it was a "significant issue", that was (and still is), raised many times as a topic for discussion. It was a "divisive" issue. It was significant (to me, at least). And it presented me with, what I thought (and still think) are "out-of-the-norm" behaviors by my W.
My ex's father died shortly after the 2nd year of our "dating" relationship. It was traumatic, to her. Although it initially brought us closer together, its "uniting" effect tapered off over the years. Separate from that issue, she exhibited a lot of behaviors that one could easily consider "out-of-the-norm". It would take a long time to relate these, and, hey, the NCAA Tournament has begun, so I may be scarce for awhile.
Well we've been together nearly five years total now so obviously since I've been here a couple of years...sex has been an issue, well intimacy really from the absolute beginning. It just didn't dawn on me until a year into our marriage how much it REALLY affected me...I found too many other things occuring in our R that allowed me to excuse away the issues. It appeared that everything else was normal/great. The last year (just before the 4 year mark) I found out he'd been cheating online for a little over two years. Oh and we did get pregnant unexpectedly prior to getting married, but we were planning on marriage anyway.
He's had no online activity since and we've managed to work things out pretty well. We have a LOT more intimacy in our marriage now and the communication has greatly improved. We still have a few things to try to iron out, maybe we will, maybe we won't...but really things are pretty darned good at this point.
His history has been that he had been cheated on at least twice that I know of, by his 1st W and the XW before me. As for me my 1st H was very abusive physically, emotionally, verbally. My 2nd an alcoholic who couldn't honestly tell me to my face that he hadn't cheated on me (what a lovely thing to hear.) After I left him I did quite a bit of work on myself and spent nearly 10 years on my own.
We didn't have sex on our wedding night (she was too tired), and only once at the end of our 10 day honeymoon. I probably should have quit then, but I was too hung up on thinking that she'd change.
We married about 2 years after meeting. The sex was very frequent for the first 1.5 years then trailed off to none, under the guise of "feeling guilty having sex before we are married, don't worry it'll be fine after we marry". Nothing particularly traumatic jumps out at me, just a mismatch in libidos and a prevailing "sex is dirty" sentiment inherited from her FOO.
H and I have experienced several traumatic events/health issues during our R. None of them were sex-related but I'm sure they exacerbated our SL problems.
We had been married for 3 months when H was diagnosed with his heart defect. When we married we expected that he would be a Navy pilot. The diagnosis meant the loss of H's dream of being a pilot, the loss of a military career of any kind (he was deemed unfit for military service), and the uncertainty of a rare and scary medical condition. I think it represented a loss for me too, in that it was something we had been building toward--something that I had begun planning my life around too--and it was gone in an instant, with no warning.
4 months after the diagnosis and loss of career he lost his job.
This may be irrelevant to the topic, but later in our R we dealt with my diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis (similar to rheumatoid) and the progression of the disease, my depression, and several years of infertility. These had huge effects on our SL.
When I met XW she was untangling herself from an abusive relationship with a borderline alcoholic. I was engaged to a woman 12 years older who had decided she really did not want to have any more children. As we were growing closer and becoming involved I had to call the police to her rescue when we were on the phone and this guy broke down her door and threatened to kill himself in front of her.
Early in our M I was frustrated because it seemed XW never felt totally comfortable with sex and inititated unless she had been drinking.
Each small argument she questioned whether divorce was impending.
Her father had affairs and left her mother when she was 12. She had very little contact with him until her sister was getting married. This was 4 months into our R.
Shortly after we married she had to have one of her ovaries removed and go on Lupron. Fertility treatments followed soon after.
I am the man who is loving my kids and will keep them from continuing this cycle of destruction.
True...but our honeymoon was not unlike those previously mentioned...and that was before all this bad stuff, when all was right with the world and our future was so bright, we had to wear shades...
