Well, I see what you all mean, as different as your perspectives are. What seems to tie all of this together is the particular situation my wife finds herself in, as well as (as you might imagine) issues between my Ps and myself.
My W comes from a very "dysfunctional" family. When we first met, I didn't really understand the severity of the effect that had on her, as she did a good job of hiding or dissimulating it.
My own relationship with my Ps is quite different, albeit not exactly perfect. For the most part, they were fairly permissive, perhaps even excessively so. However, they still managed to somehow make me feel like a child (or at least some sort of "minor") long after I had become an adult. I think that because there had never been any necessity for a definite "breaking off" with them - as a big fight, or of moving away from home at 18, or joining the army, or whatever - they continued a sort of "parental" attitude toward me, which I took for granted.
Now here's the issue: their "parental attitude" toward me was extended toward my wife. What they simply saw as "good advice" was felt be her to be way over the line.
Of course, I did not see this very clearly. In fact, because she didn't really tell me about this until she was good and mad (and really at the point of never forgiving them), I entered into the situation as a kind of peacemaker. Remember, I'm thinking that this is a simple misunderstanding.
The upshot is that I did not sense that I had to perform any dramatic declaration of my dedication to my wife. I took it for granted that she knew it.
A very big mistake.
Now I'm trying to find a way to deal with the aftermath. She is also looking for a way to get around the hurt this has caused her.
That's why I'm looking for advice here.
I've already very clearly indicated to my Ps that my W is number one. But since she will not speak to them, I have not done it "in front of her."
In addition, my Ps do maintain that they did nothing out of disrespect, but only out of concern (as presumptuous as that sounds), which is very difficult to "disprove". All I can do is to reiterate to them that the EFFECT of what they did hurt my wife and that I will not stand for it any more.
I can tell you, it would be a hell of a lot easier if they were simply wicked. When there is decency mixed with insensitivity and presumption, picking your way through the mess is a herculean task.
I'm not trying to run away from my fault here. I am trying to figure out how to make up for it.
