I just wanted to let TTHO and mrs.cac4 know that I'm not ignoring them. Pretty busy today, but I have read your posts and am digesting the information.
Recently he told me that he needs me to be very specific about how I want things to be done. Break it down into steps. I found this annoying at first because, again, he should know this by now! Hasn't he been paying attention? And wouldn't I be treating him like a child?
Maybe yes, maybe no. Remember I mentioned somewhere that my kids and I may have “non-verbal learning disability?” This only means that we do not process information efficiently when we hear it. I am visual so I prefer to see things. Then I can really get it. Is you H the same way?
No, not if he has asked this of you...it's not treating him like a child. It's ensuring he has the info in a manner that works for him. That's actually a good thing for you both. He's just done you a favor and clued you into how to communicate more effectively with him.
As Cobra said there are differeng "learning styles". I often have to teach classes where I work with adults...some are Audible learners, some are Visual (like myself), some are tactile....many are a combination of these things.
My husband tends to be a Visual/Tactile learner...so if there's something I want him to do for me (specifically in the bedroom) I show him what I want by guiding him with his own hand (or whatever body part is necessary). That way he remembers the next time what it is that I like specifically. If I were to simply say do this, with that, then do this....he'd never remember it. It's just not him. I would though, but I'm an Audio/Visual learner.
If he's asked you to write down the steps, just do it. Communicating things you want him to understand isn't much different than teaching someone information in a classroom environment. Do what works for him to ensure you get the information across...it doesn't haveto be how you would get it.
Well, maybe CAC will pop in here with his thoughts.
I don't think he has any "learning disabilities." (Although I definitely have problems learning by hearing so he draws me diagrams sometimes.) He has always amazed me with his capacity to learn and retain concepts and information whether reading a book, listening to someone or watching them.
I think what was happening with us was that I was overly critical and he was trying to avoid that. I think he believed that if I explained things to the nth detail that he would have a chance of "getting it right." I have only recently begun to understand this dynamic between us.
It's also possible that he was employing a bit of selective hearing because I sounded like a nag.
I picked up a bad habit from my mother -- assuming that people could read my mind. When I was a teen my bedroom was a disaster (probably my P/A way of "getting back" at my type 1 mother). She said to me recently, "I never understood why you didn't clean your room." I said, "why didn't you ask me to?" She said, "I didn't think I should have to." I said, "well I figured that if you really wanted it done, you'd have said something." I see now that I was doing the same thing to H.
Another thing H has asked is that I specify my desired timing for a task. (I realize I'm talking about ad-hoc stuff, not regular tasks like HD does.) Anyway, he said he needed to know if I wanted something done "right away," or by the end of the day, or the end of the weekend, or whatever. I bristled at this too at first, maybe because I'm still working on feeling comfortable asking for things. But, I tried it out, he got the job done when I needed it done, and we were both happy. We both asked for what we needed and we were both able to get it.
She said to me recently, "I never understood why you didn't clean your room." I said, "why didn't you ask me to?" She said, "I didn't think I should have to." I said, "well I figured that if you really wanted it done, you'd have said something." I see now that I was doing the same thing to H.
Wow, that is interesting. My parents were quite laissez-faire when it came to chores for me and such. It still rubs off today. I'm not big on chores. And will often figure/assume H will tell me when it gets to the point of driving him nuts. I see where that is not the best way to go but boy is it hard to break that way of operating. I guess I'm more like the guys on this issue. I just don't see the point of having to do things a certain way. As Corri said, Chill out. But I do see where I need to step it up more. It's the "doing" part though that I actually have to work on. I revert back to being a child when it comes to housecleaning. Youngest of sex kids, parents didn't seem too concerned that I wasn't doing my "fair share" and I probably have a similar R with H today. I wait for him to do it half the time. No wonder I drive him nutty sometimes. I still need to grow up. Rats.
Edit: Lol! "sex" should be "six" It's on the brain??
Let's use the term ability rather than disability. This is not a PC statement but one of accuracy. We are talking about the way people learn and not the fact that they cannot learn. A true "disability" would be one where you were unable to learn or learn as well. IMHO, the fact that people learn differently is not a disability.
This does remind me of funny story of xH and me and directions. I like to get written directions AND a map. I like to see the map for orientation. Anyway... xH would be driving and ask me about directions. I always wanted to show him the map prior to the trip and at stoplights, etc. He had no interest in the map. "Just tell me where, when and what direction to turn." It was so funny in the beginning because I would be shoving the map into his face and he thought I was ridiculous. On the other hand I NEEDED to see the map and felt a bit frantic with no context for the written directions. Which of us was right? Neither we just needed what we needed. I think I read or heard something similar to GEL around those early years which explained the difference although I was well aware there WAS a difference.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I often have to ask my W to help me prioritize things. Along with the general housekeeping stuff, where does "fixing the broken doohickey" fit? I know they are both important to her, but if fixing the broken doohickey is going to take all weekend and prevent me from cleaning my part of the house, (and if I couldn't care less if either one was or wasn't taken care of), which one gets addressed first?
I think the fact that I don't care about either one, but that I know she does, is crucial. So asking her which one is HER priority, well, isn't that kind of a loving thing to do? I think so, but you (and, unfortunately, my W) may disagree and may think it just shows that I have some sort of learning disability.
First, I want to say that I don't see any of this as a "disability." I was referring to Cobra's post where he talked about his "disability," so I used the same word.
Here's another disclaimer -- often when I'm mid-post I have to stop and do something with S3 and then try to get back to the post later. If some of my posts seem a bit jumbled and missing key pieces of info, that may be why. I absolutely have trouble holding onto thoughts and can't remember things to save my life. Is that a disability? You bet it is, TO ME. I have always had big issues with concentration, that have held me back, and if I could get therapy or take classes or whatever to improve it, I would in a heartbeat. JMO on myself.
Anyway, back to the topic...
H and I have made big strides since I stopped expecting him to read my mind. Because much of the housework is more important to me than it is to him, I do need to let him know what I want, when I want it (within reason of course). I also need to be prepared to answer all his questions until he understands what I need. As I've said before, this is all coming together for me because of our son. I think it's easier for all this to be executed too because I care more about the housework, and as a SAHM, I'm doing the bulk of it. Our present situation works best for us so that really helps.
I USED TO think that I was treating H like a child, telling him what and when. I don't see it that way anymore. It is simply better communication on the part of both of us, which ultimately makes us both happier.
ETA: I should have added that I make it a habit to write down important things. I use a Palm "pilot" and make notes in notebooks. (They'd really help if I remembered I made the notes.) I think I have it easier here, than say HD, because, again, I'm the one who sees the housework as important, not H. So it's just a matter of being satisfied with my own contributions, not having H displeased that I can't remember to do things, KWIM?
I don't think he has any "learning disabilities." (Although I definitely have problems learning by hearing so he draws me diagrams sometimes.)
Don't think of this as a "disability" per se but more as a preference, the preferred way of taking in data. If I can see things on a calendar or on a chart, I can recall that image. I don't do that with audio, or at least I don't practice it.
The timing is important for me too. I sometimes have a mental layout of what I want to do and when. Knowing priorities and deadlines helps me plan my day. Not knowing that puts me into a guessing game and creates all the problems that come with assumptions.
Just to clarify: I don't see my preferences in learning as a disability or as being better or worse than another learning preference. However, I do see my inability (or reduced ability) to concentrate, to retain information, and to focus as a disability because of the ways in which it held me back academically and musically. It was apparent in elementary school that I had difficulty retaining what I read (still do), but it was not addressed. I managed to come up with ways of doing very well on tests, but the information was committed to short-term memory only.
And will often figure/assume H will tell me when it gets to the point of driving him nuts. 
I see where that is not the best way to go but boy is it hard to break that way of operating. I guess I'm more like the guys on this issue. I just don't see the point of having to do things a certain way. As Corri said, Chill out. 