Piecing together, or not?

[LoginName]

J-
Thanks for posting. I'm very interested in your sitch, and want it to turn out the best for you and your Ds (don't know your H, but I don't wish anything bad for him, just not as interested in his happiness).

Also, my sitch may, kinda sorta, follow yours. I may be asked to move to another state (Arkansas!) and it will be a tough decision.

Anyway, back to your post.

I don't really want to practice law anymore. I'd rather direct or write or act in plays. I do that here and it is so rewarding

I recommend that you find a way to do what you want to do, where ever you end up. I don't know what that will look like; law by day, theater by night? Start your own theater? Don't give up what you love.

She wants a dad in her life. I mean, it's touching and bittersweet

Aaaaargh! Why do they (our WASs) make it so hard. I see my D with my W, and how much my D loves her mom, and it kills me to think they may be separated for weeks, months at a time. This is one of the worst parts of all this. And I think I'll have more on it later.

The winter darkness sucked for me in Fairbanks,

I know how important that is. I lived in Dunoon, Scotland. During the winter, the sun would only be out for about 4 hours a day, and of course it was overcast so you couldn't see it anyway. It can really affect your spirit. This is a real consideration. But, you've the imagination to see ways to work around this; returning to LA often, the special lamps. I think you could get past this.

Moving is hard on kids but they do adjust.

I guess they do. And this is still the hardest question/problem. What is best for the kids? I'm leaning toward the theory that we can't know, 100%, whats best. I think having 2 parents is very, very important. I think our kids love our WASs. I think we can know this: if you go to AK and are miserable, you won't be doing your D any favors. If you don't set an example of a happy, healthy adult, you won't be doing her any favors. I just spent 3 days with my m-i-l while my W was out of town. My m-i-l told me about how she sacrifices for her family and isn't happy herself, but how her happiness isn't important. That's where my W got that crap! Then, when those artificial expectations and pressures build up too much, they go WAS. Don't give that legacy to your children. Try to make the best choice for them, but don't forget yourself and the example you are setting.

I'm mad at him for forcing this on me.

This is a tricky one too. (I guess none of this is easy, is it? :)) How to get over the anger and resentment. Here's how I've been thinking about it lately, see what you think of this idea. Since it's your choice to go or not, and it really is a choice, you have no right to feel resentment. Maybe that should be a precondition of you moving, that you can get past that resentment and Choose to move up there. As for the anger and resentment over what has already happened, that could be different and could be harder. I've been thinking of the past as 'something that's happened' and not something that She did TO me. It happened. It's passed. I can't change it. I can learn from it and make some changes, but I can't change what has happened. That helps me not be so angry.

How can he ever make this up to her? Can he? She is forgiving

I don't believe he can. Good thing our kids love us regardless.

Also said he'd sign something that gives me custody if we D

Wow. That sounds great to me. That seems really significant to me too.

Do men think that when kids turn 18 they're done?

Hey! I don't feel that way, and never will. Don't generalize so much. You've hurt my feelings.

when I reflect on how shitty he was and has been the past 20 months, his selfishness, I feel like filing....Guess I really have not forgiven him...

Frogiveness, and love. More hard stuff. I read one book or email or article that suggested that you and your H should agree to someway for him to pay you back, make it even, that it's unreasonable to expect humans to be able to fogive without some form of restitution. Maybe you could try that? Or, maybe it just takes time? Or maybe it's that idea of thinking of the past as the past. How do you forgive your kids when they do something wrong? Can you do with your H? Then Love. Does it conquer all? Has the love been destroyed or too severely damaged? Can it be rebuilt? Does love even matter (or is it even real)?

Executive sumamry. Do what you want to do. Don't settle or make a choice based on others, even your kids. If you sacrifice yourself, your D will see it and learn from it. You won't be able to get past the resentment. If you do it for you, your D will see it and learn from it. You will be able to get past the resentment.

I think moving to AK could work. You are creative enough to find solutions to all the little (although they might not seem little) problems. If you stayed in LA, your imaginative enough to find solutions there too. The keys to AK are your resentment and what you want to do, IMHO. As always, I wish for you what is best for you, and happiness (real happiness, not immediate gratification, smiling all the time happiness).

Take care. Please let us know what happens, I'm interested.