Thanks, 1210, for your continued encouragement and strength. I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow and very nervous at the same time... I look forward to sharing with you all how it goes. I'm going to keep a positive attitude and pray for God to help me work on ME and, when I'm getting better, to let H WANT to be with me again.
Hair - I didn't realize that when women make hair changes it has a significance... Hopefully mine is for the positive changes in store for ME. I did color and cut - does that mean double positive changes?
I DIDN'T SEE OR TALK TO H FOR THE WHOLE REST OF THE NIGHT after I told you he left. I expected that he would show back up at the office at some point, but he didn't, at least not before I left, and I was there pretty late. I found myself tempted to drive by OW's house when I left to see if he was there, but I was good and didn't... So I didn't SEE him at all in person today. It's so awkward to be working in the same office, knowing how it "used" to be when we worked together there (even though I can't exactly remember what that was like - it's been so long now). I hate that I have to worry about what I say or don't say or do or don't do all the time now. I used to could pick up the phone whenever I wanted and say whatever I wanted. This just feels so weird... I fear that the distance between us will just push him farther away, but I know that DBing says it will bring him closer hopefully. So I'm just working on letting go and consoling my heart in the meantime... I miss him. I miss being able to be ME! Like Virginia said, I thought I was fine before this all blew up... Now, I find myself questioning everything and everyone. I feel so lost and unsettled all the time. It's so tiring. I know this will get better with time and that hopefully the therapy will help with this. This is all so hard...
Don't worry, I'm doing okay. Just venting a bit...
We have a business meeting tomorrow night (not an intimate one, but a large "chapter" meeting of one of our associations). I got the e-mail about it and forwarded it to him as an FYI. I'm probably going to go but am just going to show up by myself and not say anything to H about going other than maybe just to make sure he sees the e-mail and knows about it, as I know he'll probably want to go if he can make it. Other than that, I'm just going to go by myself and be around some good folks and have a good time. We'll see how it goes. If he goes, it will be the first time we've really done anything at the same time since we've been back from the trip.
Well, I was going to write my "epiphany" tonight, but it's getting late, and I need to try to get some rest for tomorrow. I'm worried about the parents' trip and am eager to get that resolved, too. Obviously I HAVE to do something about it tomorrow. I just keep fearing that he's already talked to them and told them what is going on, even though I know in my heart that that is most likely not even close to the case. You know, you always think the worst when you don't know the facts... I love his parents so very much. I don't want them to get drug into this whole mess...
I will do my best to get a good night's sleep, and I will look forward to reporting back to you tomorrow and also in sharing my epiphany with you.
