I was thinking about what you were saying about drinking a few beers and shooting some pool. Isn’t it funny how the internet makes it easy to find others that we have so much in common with and communicate with them? Yet for the most part we are separated by time and distance and could be half a world apart. So actually being able to get together for a beer and a game of pool is usually impossible. I guess I should be thankful for what I have and that’s finding a supportive group of people coping with similar situations.
The line from your W. about missing the appointment is SO like my W. Zero defect. No room for error or human frailty....unless of course, it's her. I tried to explain to her that that type of behavior prevented me to get really close to her, but no repsonse. I once told my W. that my middle daughter would apologize profusely for small things because "no one wants to feel your rath"...My exact words. Her response: "So...I'm a shi&&y mother!" You will NOT be able to win at this point. By the way, if she's so concerned she needs to come home and take care of her son. I agree about staying in the cockpit: good choice. If flying is more than a job for you, and I would suspect it's half job, half passion, that would be a huge mistake. I almost tried to get out of this deployment. That would have been a huge mistake for me, but you do reach those points of immense panic. I understand that. Hang in there.
amen to FLTC's words. What about sleeping pills to get a good night's sleep? My brother was a fighter pilot and I THINK they took them to force sleep at certain times....not positive. Ambien CR is the best IMHO and believe me, I tried 'em all when H first left. Had to. Also wanted to take a tranquilzer at times, to keep from screaming, etc. But I'm not flying people around and btw, just went to Hawaii with H. Had a great time. Very nice place. Good for you. Maybe sometime your W could go with you and not with your son? Just wondering if that could be a goal sometime. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
AF gives out Restoril. They call them no-go pills. They're pretty powerful, even if you're just a little tired. I have them, since my doctor prescribed them to counteract the effects of the prednisone I'm on.
M 30 W 27 Married: 09/08/02 Mini-bomb: 02/27/07 Big bomb: 03/10/07 Filed: 04/05/07 My thread here
It started out Ok; I got my son off to school and then grabbed an extra hour of sleep for me. After that went over and took care of my mother for a few hours. Then I went home and picked up my son and started cleaning the house. My wife was scheduled to come home and I wanted to make sure the house was in good shape. I did all my sons dirty laundry, vacuumed the house, did all the dishes, and swept out the garage.
My wife’s flight was scheduled to get in at 8 pm and I checked on the internet and it did. However 2 hours later she was still not home (it takes less than an hour to get from the airport to my home including getting bags, car etc.), so I checked on the computer to see if she was on the flight and she was. So I tried her phone, it was not on. I then called my sister to see if she went to her house, she hadn’t. Finally at 1130 pm she pulled in, 3 ½ hours after her flight got in. I was irritated but did not show it, I just asked if she was Ok. She just muttered something to me. But there was a strong odor of breath mints or something else. I’m not good at smelling booze on someone’s breath, but she was trying to cover something up. I did not get into that.
I carried her bags up for her and then got mine and was getting ready to leave and she said I did not have to go. She wanted to talk.
So we sat down and I said, “What’s up”? So she started by saying she did not know what to do. She stated her perceived options, and they were 1) give up custody and leave 2) swallow all her pride and stay 3) or kill herself, which she says she would have done already if not for our son. She asked me what the solution was and I said, “I’m simplistic, but I think we should forgive each other, correct the problems between us, and get on with our lives together”. I guess I should not have said that, because then I got, “it’s not that I love you but I’m not in love with you, I hate you, I loathe you.” She expressed this in other ways as well. “I would rather cut out my vagina than ever have sex with you again.” “I hate everything, our house, where we live, all of our things.” “The only reason I have not left is our son.” “I want to hurt and I’m trying to hurt you because I have felt so bad the last six years and it’s your fault.” “I don’t believe or trust you and I think you have a hidden agenda.” At one point here I got up to leave and she said that she hates when I do that (I guess remove myself from verbal abuse). So I sat back down.
During all of this I kept my cool, which made her madder. I did not respond to the hate filled statements. She brought up how mad she was that I had told her that I was uncomfortable with her probing about what happened at my last psychologist visit, and I said that if I feel uncomfortable discussing that visit she needs to respect my wishes. She said that was Shelly (my psychologist) talking, not me. She was really mad that I was not getting angry with her, is that detachment on my part?
I have to say she is better at detaching than me, because she then said, “I don’t want to know where you are or what you’re doing and I’m not going to tell you.” Finally she said that’s all, meaning I could go. So I left and went over to my mothers home to sleep.
So here I am, thinking about last night. Thinking about what to do now, it’s been almost 3 months since the blowup and still she is filled with this level of rage. Part of me is thinking about her first option. Do I tell her to make a list of what she wants to leave and give me sole custody? It’s crossing my mind more and more. Do I continue to wait it out in hopes that she will come to her senses? I don’t know. I don’t know how many more vicious attacks I can endure. It has certainly gotten to me. Part of me wants to go home and tell her I’m moving back in and if she wants separation/divorce she needs to move out, put the ball in her court.
I probably should have walked out last night when she became nasty. I feel like a doormat for staying. I have never spoken to my wife, ever, like she has to me in these last three months.
I need to talk with my father in-law and my sister. I don’t know what to do. My conviction is fading.
Mark
Me 45 Wife 50 Autistic Son 11 Married 22 years Bomb 20 December 2006 Moved out 21 December 2006 Wife Said She Does Not Want Divorce 11 February 2007 Back out of the house 23 February 2007
I talked to my father in-law. He said pretty much what I expected. He said you have to take care of yourself and your son. He recommended that I tell the wife that based on her behavior and unwillingness to forgive that we move forward with her first option (leave and give me custody).
He said I have already put up with too much. Not a very positive talk, but he calls it like he sees it. Then I called my oldest sister and the first words out of her mouth were when are you going to get a divorce?
Mark, I'm sorry...so sorry that after two months..she is still filled with rage. I think you definately did some 180s by not getting angry and not walking out...there were times when I felt strangely calm and I questioned how I did it. That's when I knew that God gave me the strength to be like that at that moment.
I don't understand why she has to give up custody. I think you should find a common ground with her by setting up a schedule for visitation for your son for the both of you. Tell her right now, he is the most important thing..just like she said to you and that first and foremost, you need to work out what is best for him to make sure he has constant contact with both of you and that it is always positive.
My H and I have done this and we even pump each other up to our son and I see it as a common thread we have and a door that is always open to constant communication with each other. My H has even said to me that if anything brings us back together someday, it will be our son.
Keep it all about you and your son for now.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
