Today was better for me mentally. After taking my son to school this morning I came home and got an extra hour of sleep. Then I went to work busying myself for the day. I went out to look after my mother. I got her some lunch, and then started cleaning the room where I have been staying. I thought I could just do some basic cleaning and make it livable enough for me, but after a thorough cleaning I think it needs more. So I started visualizing it with new paint new flooring, better lights etc.. I think going through this exercise helped me, just thinking about improving my living situation instead of dwelling so much on the negative.
I spent most of the day there cleaning and moving furniture. I finished up and picked up my son from school. He had a piano lesson then we went to YMCA. He was into it tonight and we spent a couple hours at the Y screwing around and working out. We were both worn out by the time we left.
After dinner I had him call the W to say goodnight. She started to ask him about an appointment he had with a counselor yesterday. Unfortunately I had forgotten about it and missed it. I had it in my schedule book; I had looked at it earlier in the day and still missed it. It’s not like me, too much on the brain I guess. Anyhow my son started to lie about actually going. I told him to tell the truth and he then put the phone down and said he did not want to get her mad. It kind of took me back. But like I said I’m the emotional rock for him and my wife has always been a roller coaster to some degree. So I took the phone and told her we missed the appointment and our son was lying because he did not want to make her angry. She completely missed the ramifications of our son’s perception of her and went right into the fact that I missed it, we will be charged for it and I need to call and reschedule. She wasn’t angry, but it was just weird.
The next part of the call dealt with something I have been debating. Whether or not to take an antidepressant, if I take one I will have to go on at least temporary medical disability from my job. You can not take antidepressants and fly and you have to be off them at least 90 days before you are allowed back in the cockpit as well as having to jump through other hoops for the FAA. Before my wife left she said she thought I should. And last week I was pretty close to doing it and told her I was going to, I had even made a doctors appointment and had info faxed from my psychologist to him recommending a 6 month course of antidepressants. Apparently my wife freaked out according to my sister, bitching to her about how could I make a decision like this without consulting her. So last night after talking to my oldest sister ( the hard one ) and her telling me DO NOT do anything to potentially f#ck up your job. And hearing the same from my father in-law, I decided not to go through with it. I’m going to have to find my way out of this hole without pills. And I told my middle sister this last night, and she told my W. So tonight now my wife is asking me how am I going to get better without it. So to recap, first she thinks I should take them, next p|ssed off when I do decide to and then when I change my mind is p|ssed again.
I have to say I feel better about not leaving the cockpit. Probably one of the reasons I did feel better today was because of deciding not to take antidepressants, ironic. And then I looked to see what kind of schedule I got for next month and I have four Honolulu trips. Those are therapy in themselves. I’m just not a pill popping guy, and I think I was feeling pushed to do it and deciding not too feels great. I didn’t say much else to the wife.
Thanks again for all the input in the last 24 hours, yesterday was the pits, but I do feel better tonight and really it had little to do with the W. I hope it lasts.
