Even those boys can figure out how to mow grass and sweep up the trimmings. The truth is they knew darn well that if they held to their position of doing a sloppy job, their dad would give in and they could skip the work altogether. I agree the boys can figure out how to do it right. Most of the reality shows about disfunctional families are caused by parents avoiding the hassle.
Cobra, my MO is to do things to a standard that I see as proper. If something I do is greatly below a fairly common standard, I want to be told if my work is lacking. If It is close to a fairly high standard, picky comments from an equal on a frequent basis damages the long term R. I give equals the same respect I want.
OCD is good if you are doing brain surgery and you are the client. Being OCD with dishwashing chores seems crazy.
Cobra, my MO is to do things to a standard that I see as proper. If something I do is greatly below a fairly common standard, I want to be told if my work is lacking.
Agreed.
I give equals the same respect I want.
Is this a one-way or a two-way street? Should this apply to one person as well as the other, or does it only apply to you? Going back to my example, doesn’t it make sense that the dad should be upset with his kids for not helping and not showing the care of work that the father does? I am not talking about OCD level work, but just reasonable care in doing yard work.
IMO, when the kids do not want to help and are actually trying to find ways to get out of the work, they are not following your principle, they are not giving the respect to their father that he gives them. Is that right?
But at the same time, the father is concerned to not make the boys upset. If he justifies that as being respectful to them, just as he would like to be respected, then he is selling himself short because he is not protecting himself with a boundary. That boundary is to not accept excuses from his kids to get out of work. If that means he has to enforce those rules by getting on to his kids, even getting angry, is he the wrong person for getting upset or are the kids wrong for not respecting their father enough to help willingly? Which is the right answer? Which one you choose will make a difference in whether you feel like a victim or not.
My xH and I used to have this discussion all the time. He never felt he did things up to my standards... funny thing is... if we were cleaning for company... man... could he OUTDO ME!!!
But back to the point. I stopped the convo, and one day, I volunteered to mow the grass, which was usually his job. I very merrily mowed Figure 8s and put all kind of creative lines in the grass. It all got mowed, but wow, did it ever look cool with all the mow lines going in different directions. He dam near fell over, and proceeded to lecture me on how it wasn't good for the grass, how crappy it looked, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Needles to say... I made my 'point.'
So doing housework wasn't his thing. It wasn't my thing either, but I was very efficient at it... and if he just gave me FOUR HOURS on any given weekend, got the kids, et al, to whatever, and gave me time to get it done the way I wanted it done, I was a very happy camper.
He did the tubs and toilets for me. He did the laundry, and he knew if he screwed my stuff up, I was going on a shopping spree. So if in doubt, he asked me.
I cooked inside. He cooked outside.
He loaded dishes for me...
But he could not for the life of him GET the dishes to the kitchen to be loaded.
So, it was a this and that situation.
I'm actually a good wife. A GREAT WIFE. He trained me well. He's a good Husband. I trained him well. We could just NEVER come to middle ground on emotions and sex. Neither of us would BUDGE. Killed our M.
I have to start a thread. I found some journaling I did way back in the day when I was a sex prude, and I dam near cried a river.
Is this a one-way or a two-way street? Two-way with an equal but as a parent one-way if they are slackers. Don't be OCD for minor infractions.
IMO, when the kids do not want to help and are actually trying to find ways to get out of the work, they are not following your principle, they are not giving the respect to their father that he gives them. Right On Cobra.
As a group-home worker with 8 boys 13 to 19 years of age, some of the guys worked harder to get out of work than it would have taken to do the job right. some guys damaged things when asked/made to do chores.
If that means he has to enforce those rules by getting on to his kids, even getting angry, is he the wrong person for getting upset or are the kids wrong for not respecting their father enough to help willingly? Enforce the rules w/o belittling and nit picking.
I tend to agree that a woman sees ir as her responsibility if others see her house as being not quite up to standard. Most people that visit a home for the first time judge the wife as being the one that is responsible for cleanliness/tidyness and if found lacking judge the woman accordingly. That said my H had a friend who visited us occasionally with driver. I always asked the driver in for a cup of tea and my house was always tidy and reasonably clean. I was away for a weekend and the driver picked me up at the airport before taking me home to pick up my H's friend. On the way home I mentioned that the house would probably be a bit messy as I hadn't been home for a few days. That was the understatement of the year. The driver was in shock he couldn't believe the state of the house and said his wife would have killed him if she'd returned to the mess I walked in on. To me it was what I'd expected took me days to get straight. Did my H see that anything was wrong absolutelly not so if I made a fuss it would have been ME making a big deal out of nothing.
It has taken me years to try not to care if my house is a mess and to try not to care about all the jobs that to me are important but my H doesn't see at all. I now do what I can and don't worry so much what other people think. Does the resentment manifest itself in other ways it used to not so much any more. If my H can't see the jobs that need doing why should I stress about them.
I can so relate to what has been said in this thread.
This is a sruggle I am so dealing with right now. If you guys were to ask my husband if he helped around here he would look you all in the eyes and say heck yeah I do a lot to help. Okay but in reality here is an example.....
Me.... Most of the time I do yardwork Pay bills Run errands Work Clean House Cook Shop ( for groceries and house needs) Attend Teacher Meetings Help with homework Get the Kid's ready and to school
Hubby
Takes garbage out Cooks on occasion Picks kid's up from school Will fold laundry and leave it on the table from time to time
I find myself exhausted most of the time and feeling a lot of resentment. I have been very LD since starting school. I just feel like I have so much on me right now. If I say anything to him then I am seen as a nag! See the dynamics greatly changed in my house. I was a SAHM for many years. 10 years to be exact. For the last two I have worked. So I use to do everything and was happy to do it as I didn't work. But the dynamics have changed and my husband has this old fashioned attitude just like his dad and think women should do it all. It is their job. They have very old fashioned values about the women's place in the home except for the old fashioned value that women were not supposed to work. They are all for the woman working.
The only help I might offer is to specifically ask what needs done or if they are doing something correctly. Fearless
Why is it the man's responsibility to check and see if the way HE does things is the way SHE wanted them done? ChocolateEyes
I did not mean it to be his "responsibility." It was about an offering for communication and help in a troubled marriage. I believe both the man and woman should be responsible for figuring it out for themselves within the marriage.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
He did the tubs and toilets for me. He did the laundry, and he knew if he screwed my stuff up, I was going on a shopping spree. So if in doubt, he asked me.
Pointy toes and all, I suppose?
Neither of us would BUDGE. Killed our M. That is why I say it doesn't pay to be OCD, rigid. some flexability is needed.
Would you consider hiring someone to do a few hours housework for you? I know its not always possible financially but if you were a SAHM now studying and working the investment in hiring a cleaner might well be worth the extra cost.
I know at first you might not like the thought of someone coming into your home but trust me when you return from a day's work to a clean and tidy house that you haven't had to do yourself you soon get over it. The extra time you have to just relax may well help your LD as you will be less resentful of your H's attitude to sharing chores.
Most of the working wives I know now have someone to help out a few hours a week and it doesn't cost as much as you would think. If it saves your marriage got to be worth a try.
