Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear ALL,

Sort of journalling here. Could use feedback though. Sorry for the length of this post....

Just got back from the trip with both d's to see H in Alaska. I interviewed for work there and will have some if/when I go there. In fact I already have one case for them. Thing is, just between us and the bb, I don't really want to practice law anymore. I'd rather direct or write or act in plays. I do that here and it is so rewarding. It also pays very little, but still I really love it. And apparently I'm pretty good at it, if I say so myself.

D9 did things with her dad like archery, playing in the snow, etc. She loved doing those things with him and stood just like he did, with her own bow. D17 had foot surgery so she was inside more. BUt the way d9 looks at her dad, breaks my heart in a way. She really is a tomboy so she and H have things in common. She wants a dad in her life. I mean, it's touching and bittersweet.

Did some house hunting. I cried at one point when we were looking at some houses. I don't think anyone saw. But we also saw some homes with great views and that seemed to be a lot better than I had expected...maybe if we keep this house in southern California and I can return frequently, it could work. That would have to be my plan. And a home there with a view and enough light, would be worth giving up some of the size of the home. Meaning I'd take a smaller place if it had enough light...I hope. The winter darkness sucked for me in Fairbanks, and it's the only place I ever didn't feel welcomed... I'm from a large family and was popular in school. It is foreign to me to have people assume I'm a snob or whatever it is that they think. Many people live there b/c they don't like people, and they live like hermits. I'm serious. But that was Fairbanks, and this time we'd live near Anchorage.

Work up there part time, maybe 3 weeks a month and spend 7-10 days here near LA each month. H says it'd be fine with him. Of course that leaves d9 alone with H and until she has friends up there, I'd need to be there for her. Moving is hard on kids but they do adjust. Still, some places are just easier to plug into. Also, it is different now b/c we only have one child at home so she'll have no buffers around. No kid to play with at home as the older kids had when she was just a baby. So she'll really be on her own up there. That scares me a lot. I saw how hard the move there was before (we lived in Fairbanks for 3 years and H went native on me always wanting to stay or return. Thank God at least the job he has is near Anchorage and that is much much better/prettier/like a real city. In fairness, it's beautiful. But cold still, in the 20's and it's March, and at night it went to the teens. But Fairbanks was -20 most of the winter...yep, 20 below was tops for several weeks. And it's the darkness that bothers me the most. From Halloween to about Valentine's day, it's just too dark for me. Yes, I own one of those lights....)

ANYHOW, my emotions were swinging both ways. On one end, I felt rage at H for making me make a choice like this. And fear about what he'll be like there. On the other hand, d17 is leaving for college this fall anyhow so to some extent d9 is going to be an only child anyhow. But my vision was more of d17 visiting some weekends and me and d9 living here in the same house and same school, and I don't know what I would do professionally. Maybe teach. I'd have the same schedule as d9. Moving there== well it would be a two parent family and guess what? D9 mentions "living with daddy" as a reason for moving there. That surprised me. 20 months have passed with just the 3 girls and we have a routine. Frankly, it'll be a little weird to be around H so much again. H generally is very loving while we are there and when he calls. He does have to be in a way. And he says he's willing to keep our home here, available and open for frequent trips to see the sun...

I'm mad at him for forcing this on me. No matter what I choose, someone I love gets hurt. If we stay here, d9 stays in her school and has her same friends...but no daddy most of the time. If we move, it will be hard on D9 also, AND d17 has told me that "moving the nest just as she is leaving it" doesn't feel too good. BUt, she also told me maybe I could give it a try. D17 is a very generous and kind person. She'd never complain. But we moved here to LA right after s20 finished high school, about 3 hours away. S20 told me it stinks in a way to come here on the holidays b/c he has no friends here since he didn't attend high school here. I'd be doing the same thing to d17 essentially. And oh, btw, what about how I feel about H?? Sometimes when I look at him, I think he's goofy as hell. Or just way too abrupt politically. He'll spout off about a topic and sound like a really extreme guy.

In the past 8 weeks, s20 has had surgery on his hand, to help with nerve damage done in a snowboard accident. D17 had foot surgery-- H was not here for either of those events AND he's the doc!

Last night there was a scary noise outside on the deck, next to my bedroom. The girls were freaked out so I went out to look and took the dog and a weapon. About 4 seconds after going out the door, ALL the electricity was cut off and it got totally dark. Really really dark. Pitch black. Had to feel my way back in the house. THAT did freak me out for a minute until I realized that all the houses had gone out and that there was a power outage, and not a guy clippiing my wires....Geez, NO H at home. That was a time I'd have liked him around. Scary noises, medical care for the kids, killing bugs, laying in bed NOT alone and NOT with my daughters, and the show that D17 was in last month....H is missing so much....and so are we. My needs are not being met as a woman or as a mother.

How can he ever make this up to her? Can he? She is forgiving. But he has just missed so damn much and I am pissed at him for that. How can a man do that to his own kids? He IS lonely there when we are not around. I sense it and he says it and that he "needs" us, loves me, etc. He says things that I need to hear.

But I guess it all boils down to two things for me: First, what IS best for d9? And second, how do I get past the anger b/c if I do go there, I have to have a PMA...I think a two parent family is better than just one. But it's hard. I just love it here. I really hope I can travel as much as h says...although I also told him that he would have to change HIS schedule to pick up d9 if I am out of town....he agreed....

Also said he'd sign something that gives me custody if we D in the next....??? (I think I'd try for 2 years or so). Although that surprised me, it does help me feel less endangered. I felt that if I moved there and then found H to be goofy again, I'd be forced to stay in Alaska due to jurisdiction/custody issues...That would be hell. It's a huge risk. Guess H knows that.

So I guess I'm leaning to going there....feeling sad for d17. Do men think that when kids turn 18 they're done? It seems that way with H. I WANT to be near my kids and then their kids, someday....H thinks that's weird. He moved A LOT as a kid and thinks it's normal.

It would HELP A LOT if H didn't look at this as so permanent. I mean if I really trusted that we'd leave within 3 years unless we Both loved it there, then I'd feel better. But it is so much pressure on me when I visit, like everyone is doing a commercial for the state. They asked me during the interview "how things were going" so I guess they were asking about whether I'd be sticking around. It's odd for them to ask. I mean I assume it was about ME working there b/c if it's about H working there, I think it is none of their business how I feel about my M....I mean, what would they have done if I said "50-50" chance of divorce??

One last thing. There are possibilities there that would be much less attainable here. There population is small and so is the pool of post graduate degrees. Politically getting involved there would be much easier for me than here. But then, theater and film is here and sooo NOT there. WTH?????

Thanks for "listening" and any advice is welcome. Do any of you think I'll feel like a doormat for going there when H was so deceptive and weird getting up there? I mean, looks like his behavior gets rewarded now. But then if I say no to punish him, well, that IS punitive....when I reflect on how shitty he was and has been the past 20 months, his selfishness, I feel like filing....Guess I really have not forgiven him....damn. Much MUCH easier said than done...What is the morally right thing to do?
j-