Tam, (is that your name instead of big number?), hopefully you have since been reassured I'm not your husband, writing on your thread. The walk-away doesn't generally care enough about what the LBS is doing to even look.
Listen to the excellent advice of the other long number.
Anyway, I'd love to give positive vibes. I don't think your situation is hopeless, but I do think it's too early to worry about positive vibes. A lot of things have to happen first....your H needs to work through his issues, you need to work through yours and establish your own identity (as you suggested to Tam), gain some confidence, recover your self-esteem, and become perfectly happy on your own. That takes so much time that you better get cracking.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Don't have much time to write - am getting ready for my hair appointment. But wanted to let you know that I found a local therapist this morning who is familiar with and practices Michele's work, as well as John Gottman and some others. She has been in practice for 30 years. I found her on the internet last night with a Google search and called and left a message for her this morning, and she called me back in about 5 minutes - very impressed.
She does both individual and marital therapy and recommended we start with the individual therapy first and still discuss H and daily interactions with him, etc. I am going to meet with her weekly and give it a month or so to see if it seems to be a good fit.
So, my first session is tomorrow morning at 11am!
I know you all want me to get in therapy as soon as possible, so I just wanted to let you know...
I'll post more later about my epiphany last night, but let's just say that I am changed forever thanks to all of you and Virginia's wrapup...
I am so proud of you...you're investing in yourself...the most important thing one can do for oneself...
You will survive this turmoil and learn from it all...that there was a purpose in having to go through it...to become that great person that you are!!!
Your beliefs are your experiences...they can remain or be tossed aside, to allow you to recreate all that is good and powerful.
You will succeed...because you believe you are worth it...
A standing ovation to you!!!!! High Five...and the crowd roars.
Yes!...I am glad you have found someone to work with you and so soon....
I am having to take some of my own advice again...H starts withdrawing from me and I feel panic...so instead of feeling like I have to be pleasing him all the time I am going to join a Jazzercise class with my daughters!!!
It does get easier...but it is still not a piece of cake....had a cry today because H told me that he does still avoid spending time with me...he doesn't want to deal with my emotions...so I guess that means I have to deal with them and leave him out of it....
Live and learn...seems to be my medicine these days..
Take care and let us know how the visit goes...I am sure she will give you some "homework" or goals to work on...please let us know so that we can encourage you along...
Thanks for the support, guys. I will probably have to write my marathon post (like ALL of mine aren't marathon posts... LOL) later tonight - trying to get some much-behind work done today...
Just a couple of quick things for now...
1.) Lin, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard day. I wanted to respond to you and give you some encouragement, but I can't find your thread... Do you have one? And, Lin, thank you for being with me through this - your support and well-thoughtout and said advice has meant more to me that I can say.
2.) 1210, thanks for your ongoing support and "tough love." I value your opinions so much, and your encouragement and support mean the world to me. Thank you for believing in me.
3.) I called the therapist back, as I was so out of it this morning that I forgot to ask her Michele's suggested questions when looking for a therapist. She passed the tests! She does want to dealve into childhood things, if necessary, which is okay, but I did tell her that right now the most important thing to me is dealing with this current crisis, and she agreed.
4.) Haven't seen H yet today, and I'm doing okay! (not perfect - still have pings in my stomach, but am doing much better). H called several hours ago to give me some work updates. Then he came to the office, where I am. He did not come up to say hi and I did not go down to say hi. He was here for probably 3 hours or so and just left again without saying goodbye - AND I'm doing okay! I know, small baby step, but work with me here! Yes, my heart is hurting still for the lack of communication - even as "friends," but for now, I'll just look at is as my new me is just too intimidating for him to handle... Ha! LOL - in my dreams... Whatever it takes to work myself through this, right?
5.) H slept at the office last night! Don't know what this means, if anything, and I know I'm not supposed to care, but just an update. At least he's not spending every single night with OW. I hope that is a good sign. But, he's not home either, so I hope he's not trying to figure out how to tell me it's over... Can't go there - must think positive... Not spending night with OW = good!
6.) Still have not done anything about parents trip - scheduled to leave on Friday night. Called the airlines last night to ask about rules for cancelling/changing tickets so that I have that information. Thought I would work on doing something about this with H today, but now that I have appointment for tomorrow, will talk with her tomorrow and see what she says. H's parents have not called me yet, which seems odd... Could mean they just are waiting until closer to time to call or could mean H has already talked to them and hasn't told me, which I doubt. I just hope H hasn't told them what is going on with us, as that would absolutely kill me right now. I don't want anyone to know... I don't think he would do that, but he has done stranger things, right? Anyway, will keep you posted on this. I am still planning on going to Vegas the end of the month by myself and am looking forward to it!
Well, that's it for the short updates for now. Will check back in later and will work towards writing my marathon epiphany post later tonight.
He's not here, and I'm okay... He's not here, and I'm okay... Breathe... Breathe... I'M GOING TO DO THIS!!!!
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Well, you know what to do... exit stage left...check the emotions around him and carryon with your kids. Be civil, nice, polite, but don't exude any type of erractic emotions...let him do things he needs to do.
He might just feel overwhelmed...shake up the status quo...don't let routine take over your marriage...that destroys anything.
Be busy, occupied, focus elsewhere...he'll come around.
Ok...you know what...you might even get to that point where you don't NEED H...and you might even get to the point of considering if you still WANT H...
I can tell you do sound much better...I am sure you will lots of good things to tell after you see the therapist...I think this is a very important step for you...and one that will lead you down the road you need...regardless of what H ever does....
Ok...I will wait for your epiphany post later...
I don't have a post per say...mine all got lost when they revamped the format here...I have tried to find them in the archives but have not had any success....so I just throw stuff on where ever when I am in a moment...
Today has been a bit rough...I had an EDD hearing...the judge was even confused as to why I was there...finally he said he was sending it all back to EDD for them to straighten out and then IF I was still being charged with wilfully doing this and that then I will be given another hearing date...another day of lost work...another day of anxiety and stress...my chest still feels like an elephant is sitting on it...
You will be okay...your therapist will guide you to find all of your strengths...if she goes back to your childhood, it would be to find out when and what happened to change your outlook of yourself...usually, there is a trigger - something that made you feel inadequate, that you covered over continually, like a fresh water pearl. It stays buried until a traumatic event releases it and then it has to be purged.
You sound great!!! What did you do at the hair stylist? A cut or color? It's funny, but whenever a woman makes a change in her hair, either cut, style or color...it always occurs before or after a major change in their lives...that is fact.
Sleep tonight, my friend...tomorrow is the beginning of a new you!!!!
I think YOU need to start a NEW thread then, okay? You have been so incredibly supportive and strong for me and have been there for me. It sounds like you are having a hard time right now - why don't you start your own thread so that we can help YOU, too?
In the meantime, please help me out with "EDD" and explain that situation a bit more???
I'm certainly not in a position to be giving good advice on where you're at right now, Lin, but I can tell you that my experience with H has been that he does NOT like to be around me when I get emotional - never has (I know, you're thinking "duh, 2940 - *I've* been telling YOU this for weeks!" - but sometimes it helps to have it said back to you). Men don't like to see women cry or be upset or sad. As you know, they just want to "fix" things, and it tortures them to see us upset and just needing to talk when all they want to do is fix whatever is wrong with us and get on with it! I'm sure you know that already, but sometimes a reminder helps?!?!
Remember, too, that Michele talks about timing being everything. Are you approaching him at times when he is busy with something else or focused on something else? When he's tired? Had a bad day?
Have you been putting YOURSELF in the right frame of mind BEFORE talking to him? Are you keeping a positive attitude even when talking to him about challenges? Are you making sure to not "accuse" him of things, but rather to ask questions, as needed?
Are you making sure to spend fun, quality time with him when you AREN'T emotional and needing to talk about things?
What if you set aside a specific time, say once a week or twice a week or once every other week - whatever you think seems appropriate - to discuss any marital "issues" that you are having? Both of you could come to the table with, say one or two issues to discuss - that's it. And you set a time limit on how long your discussion will be. Then, unless something atrocious/unexpected/etc. comes up at other times, all R issues are OFF LIMITS! Then, he won't have to worry that if he agrees/decides he wants to spend time with you that you might bring up something or be emotional about something in the R? This might allow him to relax more and not avoid spending time with you??? And from your perspective, you would know exactly when you could talk about any R issues you want to talk about, and he would have that same expectation. I don't know - what do you think?
Obviously, if you've had a day like today where you need support (and I'm not sure until I understand EDD if this has anything to do with your R?), I would presume he would still be comfortable being there for you and to discuss those types of issues with you. But, if he's not ready for that quite yet, then come here and talk to us, or talk to some friends, or go SHOPPING!
Just make sure not to crowd H and push him away, like I did, okay Lin? He's on the right side of the fence now - with you. Remember that. If you give him more space, hopefully it will just bring him that much closer to you. I don't think men EVER get tired of us being somewhat of a "challenge" to them... Maybe it's time to avoid HIM for a while???
Chin up, Lin. Remember how far you've come... You are a superstar, and I admire you so much. You are an inspiration to me. So, hurl that elephant off your chest (is that the same elephant that pooped on me??? )AND START YOUR OWN THREAD!!!!!
Thanks, 1210, for your continued encouragement and strength. I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow and very nervous at the same time... I look forward to sharing with you all how it goes. I'm going to keep a positive attitude and pray for God to help me work on ME and, when I'm getting better, to let H WANT to be with me again.
Hair - I didn't realize that when women make hair changes it has a significance... Hopefully mine is for the positive changes in store for ME. I did color and cut - does that mean double positive changes?
I DIDN'T SEE OR TALK TO H FOR THE WHOLE REST OF THE NIGHT after I told you he left. I expected that he would show back up at the office at some point, but he didn't, at least not before I left, and I was there pretty late. I found myself tempted to drive by OW's house when I left to see if he was there, but I was good and didn't... So I didn't SEE him at all in person today. It's so awkward to be working in the same office, knowing how it "used" to be when we worked together there (even though I can't exactly remember what that was like - it's been so long now). I hate that I have to worry about what I say or don't say or do or don't do all the time now. I used to could pick up the phone whenever I wanted and say whatever I wanted. This just feels so weird... I fear that the distance between us will just push him farther away, but I know that DBing says it will bring him closer hopefully. So I'm just working on letting go and consoling my heart in the meantime... I miss him. I miss being able to be ME! Like Virginia said, I thought I was fine before this all blew up... Now, I find myself questioning everything and everyone. I feel so lost and unsettled all the time. It's so tiring. I know this will get better with time and that hopefully the therapy will help with this. This is all so hard...
Don't worry, I'm doing okay. Just venting a bit...
We have a business meeting tomorrow night (not an intimate one, but a large "chapter" meeting of one of our associations). I got the e-mail about it and forwarded it to him as an FYI. I'm probably going to go but am just going to show up by myself and not say anything to H about going other than maybe just to make sure he sees the e-mail and knows about it, as I know he'll probably want to go if he can make it. Other than that, I'm just going to go by myself and be around some good folks and have a good time. We'll see how it goes. If he goes, it will be the first time we've really done anything at the same time since we've been back from the trip.
Well, I was going to write my "epiphany" tonight, but it's getting late, and I need to try to get some rest for tomorrow. I'm worried about the parents' trip and am eager to get that resolved, too. Obviously I HAVE to do something about it tomorrow. I just keep fearing that he's already talked to them and told them what is going on, even though I know in my heart that that is most likely not even close to the case. You know, you always think the worst when you don't know the facts... I love his parents so very much. I don't want them to get drug into this whole mess...
I will do my best to get a good night's sleep, and I will look forward to reporting back to you tomorrow and also in sharing my epiphany with you.
This is like community thread.
