Right now, I am just incredibly sad. I am really grieving the end of my marriage. But I do need to put an end to it completely. Not today, but soon. I don't want to know about the money he spends on ow. I just want to be free.
Amen Nic, go forward with courage, strength and faith. Get the legal separation, get the finances separate, get yourself through the dark and into the light, and don't look back. You've got a long struggle yet ahead, (the legal separation process) and we'll be here for you all the way. There's a number of us that have been through that process and can lend moral support.
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I still think we have the potential to be happy and healthy together.
However remote, that potential STILL exists, and always will.
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I went thru so many years of BS, I feel like I deserve a payoff now.
What makes you so sure this is'nt your payoff?It seems like the end, but is'nt it really a beginning.
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I'm envious that he's being Mr. Wonderful to ow and a great "dad" to her kid--something he never was for his own kids till he left.
Does'nt it just make you want to bust his head? Well try to look at the bright side of it. At least he's involved with your kids now, at least he got that sort of right. That's really important for THEM. Totally understand your frustration though, but try to let that go.
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I feel (unrealistically) that it's all my fault, that I was the cause of his unhappiness. Why else wouldn't he want to try again?
Oh yes and I'll bet OW is nicer, better looking, has money, is smarter, blah blah blah. Well I'm not impressed with HER choices. They don't exactly reflect the choices of someone who's got it together. More like someone who's very stupid? Oh well, not time for judgement.
All I know is that you are one very intelligent and attractive woman. You've faced your demons with courage, strength and faith. You've worked hard, educated yourself, and allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You stuck your neck out, sacrificed yourself, and hung on and gave it all for the good of your M. But it does take two.
I totally agree with your analysis of your sitch. Except for the part about you thinking it must have been YOUR fault somehow. I can understand that thought entering your head, but it's simply not reality. You'll realize that once you heal, and move on with your life, and see that your H will still be stuck in the mire of HIS life and HIS poor choices.
Stay close to God, He'll be your strength and guide.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Get it out of your system. That's what we're here for.
But, our responses are also your life saver and reality check from the madness created.
This is NOT your fault. Seriously. Look at him.
If you are done with your M, the answer is to work on it, or walk away. CLEANLY. Not messy As and not ending the M. Not introducing your kids to OW while you are still M to their mother. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This is NOT you.
You are an amazing woman.
Only You will know when you reach that stage of ENOUGH. Get there, and then you can walk away and not look back and reach that light again. I know it's there for you. Trust in that.
I guarantee you that he's NOT Mr. Wonderful suddenly. Not without some serious soul-searching, even if your M did end. That is normal and what people do. Ask themselves what happened, sit still to heal, mourn, grieve. THEN move on.
She is a bandaid to whatever crap he's in. You know that. It's an act. He feel s like such crap about himself that it feels good to him when others think he's great. He knows what he did to you and the kids. Now he finds a substitute family to get his highs. Get real. That fades FAST.
My H also had many OW through this MLC. And it may start again, though there is no one now. Because he's still running, still looking for those highs, and not from within.
Trust me, she likely does NOT compare to you. This is NOT the love of his life. Just another OW floating through his madness.
take care of you. If this means getting away from this, then that is the healthiest thing you can do and we applaud you for that.
You have kids, you have a family and a life. You have duties and fullness to live. It is your job to be ready to engage in living.
Just saw your comment, and on the way to see dad at hospital ... but I promise I will read up and reply more tonight.
I am sure you could always use a (((big hug))) and a cool drink. I am sorry I don't know what else to leave you with for the moment but I promise more in a bit.
Till then please light a nice smelling candle and practice deep breathing relaxation.
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Nic, I am so sorry to read your latest turn of events. I've got my own dilemmas at the moment but please know that even if I don't post i am thinking of you
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
You have been at this a very long time. You have seen others standing for their alien a long time too. Sometimes, we either just run out of time, or no longer find the energy for it all.
Only you can truly know how you feel about all this. Based on the many others that have come before us I would say that there is always the chance that he does not want a D bad enough to do the work ... as long as he can live his fantasy out with the OW.
That may be more than you can stomach. But understand some important things. You were not terrible. If he is making you feel that way, or if you are letting yourself think that way, you must stop. You must realize he is not a Sudden Saint. He is not suddenly happy because he is away from you.
He is not happy. He thinks he is. He wants to feel happy again in life. His unhappiness did not come from you. It is in him. He will not be happy with OW long, but he may be satisfied being distracted and feeling like he is happy with that.
Let him go. He is drowning and taking you down with him.
I don't care if you D him or put him up for adoption, but do not let him take you down any further.
You can not care for yourself or your kids while trying to carry his weight. Let him go. Speak with your spiritual leaders about helping you forgive yourself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Talk with them about your need to be strong for yourself and the kids.
Talk to them about your need to forgive him and walk away emotionally, if not legally. He must fix himself ... you can not.
We so often ask the great question ... Is this MLC or was it just me? I wish I had a solid answer. I share that question with you and others. It could be that for some people the simple truth is "what does it really matter?"
If it is mlc we can't undo it. If it was us that failed our spouse, we can't undo it. In either case, they won't let us, and we must let them go before they drown us. You can detach from him and move on with your life without D him. It is up to you.
You may decide otherwise. That is not my concern.
All I want you to do is make up your mind to be ok. I want you to make a happy place for your kids.
Think about some of the Six Stages post. It says they don't come back until they think they are losing you. Other publications support that somewhat, but maybe just more due to the time frame that passes. Maybe they won't even return then.
Maybe the time it takes for us to get the strength to move on is similar to the time it takes them to complete their journey. I share this concern with you. You can only think of your own journey. You must begin your own letting go ... whether or not he resurfaces. You must not live in fear of who he is with or what he is doing. Let it go and let God.
You can let go and live your life as God wishes without H at your side. You don't want to. You shouldn't have to. But you can. And you may find that after spending more time contemplating your own life and thinking less of his, you no longer need or want him.
Unfortunately we can not lie our way out something. We can not hide the fact that part of what we fear, is just being D. That may cloud the actual sense of loss we have for our spouse. You need to explore your real fears and sort them honestly. You need to explore your real desires and sort them honestly. You need to include your spiritual life into these things.
I'm not sure what questions you may have wanted me to discuss. I'm not sure how to help except to tell you we all care for you and your kids deeply. We bear no malice to your H and he is not our concern. You are. You take care of yourself, your heart, and your kids. You tell us how we can help.... (((Hugs)))
Geesh Just realized I posted and didn't see all the posts from today. I guess it took me straight to yesterdays posts so it didn't look like there was anything new.
Anyways...seems a lot of us are going through rough spots right now...as usual it seems to hit us at the same time.
Lots of hugs to you!!! You are such an inspiration to me and I have looked up to you since I first got here over a year ago. I still look up to you. You are a strong beautiful smart woman!
Love ya
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
It seems like the end, but is'nt it really a beginning. 
Well I'm not impressed with HER choices. They don't exactly reflect the choices of someone who's got it together. More like someone who's very stupid? Oh well, not time for judgement.