I know this is tough and frustrating... (You are darn skippy on that one) but you mention a few times in your post that you've asked him to go to counseling...and I got the idea you may have been persistent about it. (Hmmmm. Maybe but not soooo persistent. Perhaps would not have mentioned it at all had I not know about a prior suicide attempt when he was a teen or a father's and brother's bouts of depression.) You have been fed-up and wanted to smack him and just say 'get over it,' or 'grow up.' (Ah, yup. Basically. SMILE)
But that isn't how this works. (Boo!) This insistence has and will have the opposite effect...practically guaranteed. (Yeah, you are probably right.)
Okay...you've responded to my questions now, so I will address that response also.
So the ideal would be your true husband but improved. (In an ideal word and world-yes)
That is a possibility...not an improbablity at all. BUT it is YEARS away. He will have sooner small improvements...but greatness takes time. (Ah, correct me if I misunderstood-- MORE YEARS? YIKES. It has already been since 2005 or so.)
But you are getting to the point of no-reurn...where no matter how much damage occurs you will no take him back. (I feel this way but we all know that acting on your feelings is a dangerous thing, right?
So what will you do then, when after this crisis that ideal improved guy lives inside the present Monster? (Hmmm. I don't know, really. Right now I am so hurt and tired and trying to relieve my own pain that I cannot fathom this concept. Guess I should try to.)
I am serious...it is not guaranteed, but it is both possible and probable. And that guy may still not want to return...but let's say he does... (He is so adamant that is he not returning that I am starting to believe that he will not. Truth be told, I know that they all do want to return and some try for years like my two friends husbands. But, from what I have seen including with my own father that the women start to learn how to live without them and then move on after years to other relationships. One friend went 5-6 years waiting for her husband. He divorced her and everything in that time. He starting trying to get back in by year 6-7, just as she started dating.)
I truly believe a large percentage WANT to return...and the wife has moved on so they cannot or they fear the rejection and are still overwhelmed with guilt...they wish they could erase their actions. I 100 percent agree, even in the case of my own parents.
Think of this person as your next relationship...you seem willing to consider another and move on. So in the future, can you move on with a the same person. Yes, I could move on with this person. I could try to get over the pain and love him again.
Yes, there will be painful history. But there is beautiful history too...just look at your kids. There is already a relationship established...and you know each other. Though you will need torediscover each other afresh. (Yes, if this happened, we would be foolish not to do this if we were both available.) I'm not trying to convince you. But I want you and others to think of these things. (Thank you for even considering this as an opportunity.)
When all of this started you envisioned a fairy tale ending...or at least the two of you happy and together. This is one of the greatest obstacles...TIME. (Yup, it waits for no one.)You do not see that ending now. But you aren't there yet, thus why should you see it? (Hmmm. Gotta think about this.)
What you have seen is that things are getting worse. Sorry...but Sweetie, you know this by now...that is the nature of MLC. It gets worse and worse and worse...for a very long time. (What makes it better? What happens when a person is cake eating?)
One thing I really wish is that posters would come in here and accept the TIME reality and make goals within that context. But all of us have the fantasy and hope that we will be the exception and change his mind. (I accept time, I don't like it but I can accept it. The thing is that I cannot figure out is how they wake up, that is aside from slapping the dookie out of them. Oh, okay I know that that does not hurt either just thought that I would throw in some humor ...)
And then I offer such a hope too...a fantastical hope when I tell you that YOU and your behaviour can make a difference. It believe it. (Maybe you could help me here, I know that there is no true roadmap but what worked in your case, exactly. Was it just time, was it time and distance, was it time and hardships for your H, what was it? I know that each situation is different but it does help to see what has worked.)But then what I bleive is that some MLCers will stop reacting a and projecting to the LBS...they will still go through MLC but not in Monster Mode. (Oh please make this be true. I am so tired of being the bad guy. Even when I am not involved.) Some still will. And I believe acceptance doesn't so much speed up the journey as it doesn't lengthen it...and perhaps the norm is a lengthened journe, therefore it seems we may have speeded it up. boy that sounds confusing. Tell me if I lost you...or if I didn't too. (Ah, yeah,. Lost on this one SMILE--Help)That is the greatest disbelief...TIME. It's understandable...no one wants to believe this won't be over soon. But it won't, and that is not something we can change. (You mean that the inner control freak in me can't just fix this, huh?)
So how about this. Move on. Close the door on the person he is NOW if you must. But if the real person knocks on your door...keep an open mind. (That is a very big IF.)
Just a thought.(I really appreciate it, I cannot wait for your reply.) HUGS, RCR [/color] [/quote]
