Yup, we've all played our parts in what happened to our M's. I can honestly say that much of what I did was for my family, W included but things were missing. My idea of a happy home and good R included NOT talking about things but adjusting to each other. I thought that was a good thing, it showed an ability to compromise without having to get into it all the time. It felt natural and therefore good (I sound like my W there, it all has to be easy and spontaneous or it's not "real").We were a well oiled machine. Unfortunately, easy and natural is not always the utopia we tend to believe it is. Obviously, there were alot of underlying feelings my W had that she chose not to express, she just kept choking it down and carrying on. When someone came along whose whole life purpose seemed to be centred on my W and her feelings, needs etc. it was too much for her to turn away from. It was also at a time when she felt extremely lonely being bogged down in studying for a Masters degree and holding down a stressful management position in Social Services. It was easy for her to shut me out and plow ahead. OP was easy and willing with no young family, R's etc. Well, that's history now and I hope I will have learned from this experience. You too must look at what happened and find the lessons that apply to you, painful as they are. For me "bomb" #2 and #3 taught me I needed to do more for me! I was doing for W and family and forgetting about ME! Obviously, it did not garner much appreciation nor loyalty from W. All my doing to make her life easier, did nothing for our R. I thought I was living a dream come true but NO it was sacrificing for others in a way I thought would make for a happy life. WRONG! I'm at a point where I may soon be where you are now 8, it's tearing me up insided but there comes a time where we must all "find ourselves" as ourselves not as part of a unit, R or whatever else we belong to. It's a frightening feeling to suddenly not know who you are anymore but if you believe that everything that happens to you is ultimately for some better purpose, then these could be the most exciting and rewarding times in our lives. I too, am thinking out loud. BTW you are doing great 8, I loved what you told W about being her happiness. Amazing isn't it, she leaves to be "happy" and sits in her car crying. yes, makes perfect sense, doesn't it. She has to pave her own road now and your job is to let her do so. Take care.
